Hue Bailey crumbly rolled over in bed. "What was that incessant electronic squawking?" he wondered. Of course he knew what it was but he didn’t want to admit it, he didn’t want to get up just yet. Angrily he hit the snooze button for the third time that morning. "Every day the same thing!" he grumbled. His whole body felt as if the air was pushing down on him with incredible force. Exhausted, Hue just didn’t have the energy to get out of bed.

Five minutes later when his alarm went off again, Hue unplugged it and went back to sleep. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to get up to enjoy the day but rather he knew he would enjoy the day more if he slept through it. He was now twenty minutes late for work.

Before he could fall into the pleasant dream state he loved so much, he heard a high pitched shrill bellow from his computer. Hue slowly rose from his bed. He was in no rush. Although he had the best intentions and wanted to be to work on time, he just couldn’t seem to move. It was a problem common to many humanoid life forms on the planet Earth. Especially those who as Hue, resided in the United States of America Incorporated. In the U.S.A. INC™ productivity was valued above all other human attributes as the most prized and sought after quality, thus people wanted to be productive but for some reason many people just couldn’t seem to move in the morning. The people suffering from this "illness" came from many different economic and work backgrounds. It was called APSD or Anti Productivity Sleep Disorder by the many doctors called upon by the government to eradicate the enemy of a "well-balanced and healthy society." A popular saying , immortalized by the former president George Evert was: "Kill it before it spreads". This of course referred to the APSD. After that, the term APSD became a common house hold word. Though the average citizen didn’t know what the letters APSD meant almost everyone knew it was bad, and almost everyone knew where to buy the pills to counteract the disease.

Hue turned his computer on and looked at the caller ID box in the upper left hand corner. Of course he already knew who it was. It seemed as if his work had to call him at least twice a week just to get him to show up. "It’s a wonder they don’t fire me" Hue thought as he moved the arrow on the screen with the touch-pad , located on the center of his keyboard. He clicked on the answer button.

A clear picture of Hue’s boss rapidly materialized on the screen. "It’s a wonder I don’t fire you! I’ve had it with this late crap!" he hollered.

"Yea I’m on my way" Hue replied in a low monotone voice.

"Yea It looks like it! You get down here as soon as you can! Were busy and you know if you don’t like your job then I can find someone else who will!"

"I’ll be down as soon as I can" Hue responded despondently.

He wasn’t all that angry or even annoyed. Although he was almost always enveloped by a mild, dull, depression, the best way to describe Hue was overtly apathetic, accompanied by a gloomy sense of certain disaster brought on by his agnostic beliefs.

"Get down here NOW!" screamed Hue’s boss.

The image of Hue’s disgruntled, obese, manager cut out.

Hue couldn’t afford to lose his job. The job market in the U.S.A. INC.™ was extremely competitive and he knew if he was to be processed by the Unemployment Computer he would most certainly be stuck working a menial job at a factory.

Pondering this thought Hue opened his airtight food storage unit. In the old days humans stored food in cupboards and on shelves, a practice long dead with all of the humanoids that died of "unnecessary germs". About two centuries ago the Association of Medical Research (AMR™) declared that "while some germs are a necessary part of the ecosystem, germs that may spread to food products meant for human consumption could be, and probably are unnecessary and thus could lead to, but probably won’t lead to, unnecessary death." After that Health Departments across the company (U.S.A. INC.™) declared that cupboards and shelves were no longer sanitary for food storage in public restaurants. This in turn caused widespread panic amongst the consumers of the United States of America Incorporated. Luckily the innovative people at Borson’s and Johnson™ were quickly able to come to the rescue with the first ever, airtight, food storage, unit. Though it looked just like a cupboard it was sealed with an air vacuum system that kept food "Fresh and germ free".

Hue pulled a can of Happy Harvest Coffee™ out of the food storage unit. On the label was the image of a Brazilian farmer smiling from ear to ear. Hue looked down at the company slogan printed under the proud and dignified guy. "I work hard so you don’t have to" it said.

Hue shook his head and looked at it again. "Working hard to bring you the best in quality" it said.

"What’s the difference?" Hue murmured as he started a pot of coffee and cobbled over to a chair in the corner. Hue picked up the electronic remote for his computer and zapped it on again. Like always the news broadcaster was wearing a well crafted suit and tie both of which were sporting the small emblem of a cartoon robot . The cartoon robot was the logo of the Micronetics™ Advanced Technologies Company which was one of the sponsors of Channel 9 news™. Sound blasted out of the speakers surrounding the room:

"Once again terrorist s from the Coalition of the United Nations of the Middle East claimed they couldn’t stop the rising oil prices. According to the rebels the high prices of gas can be attributed to the growing scarcity of crude oil in Middle Eastern nations. Here to comment on this statement via RapiNet™, yes RapiNet™ the fastest internet service provider, is non other than Bill Johnson author of the book ‘Terrorist Scum’ and expert on Mid-eastern affairs…Hi Bill, Bill can you tell our viewers what’s really happening in the Middle East?"

"Why yes Tom, I certainly can. As far as we can tell the terrorists have been strategically manipulating the market in an effort to make it appear as if there’s an international oil crisis. We believe the rebels are trying to wage an economic war in a futile effort to humiliate the consumers of the U.S.A. INC.™"

"And what do you think would be the best course of action for the nation to take against this aggressive act of economic terrorism?"

Bill started to answer "well I think…wait a minute …I’m not going to give it away. If you want to know what the best solution to the problem is you’ll have to read my book."

"There you have it folks. All you need to know is in the book. Bill Johnson’s book ‘Terrorist Scum’ can be ordered from our sponsors at www.BookMore.com. We accept VISA™ and MasterCard™…AND in more news…"

Hue turned the computer off and lethargically moved towards the bathroom. He knew he had better get ready for work, but he just didn’t seem to have enough energy. It seemed that every day he could remember had started in almost the same way. Of course his boss didn’t call every day, but he always woke up lacking the energy and motivation necessary to be highly productive. He knew what he was going to do that day, because every day was the same, and he didn’t feel as if he had anything to look forward to. Just like every other day Hue would work between eight to thirteen hours following up by collapsing on his couch at home. Of course he did have the weekend to look forward to but weekends just didn’t seem to have the same effect on Hue as they had on the other humans.

The main reason for this was that Hue didn’t participate in the social act of ethanol consumption. Ethanol was a liquid substance that produced an intoxicating effect and was enjoyed by an incredibly large percentage of the population of the company. Ninety-five percent of the consumers of the U.S.A. INC.™ enjoyed alcoholic beverages on weekends. A whopping eighty-nine percent of who enjoyed alcoholic beverages almost every night of the week. More importantly than that, however, was the function of ethanol in human mating rituals. Over the centuries alcohol consumption had become an intrinsic part of the social programming of humans especially in courting and mating rituals. Females had been socialized to seek out a "desirable" mate while under the influence of alcohol. Traditionally this would be done at a bar or pub, though many of the younger girls looked for their mates at house parties. Governed by the laws of a complex set of social norms, females would seek a companion who was intoxicated . Males of course were governed by a similar set of social rules and norms as well. In the U.S.A. INC™ alcohol consumption was the number one cause of all pregnancies, marriages, divorces, and car accidents followed by free will as the second leading cause of such things. Since Hue didn’t drink he wasn’t able to start a family nor did he have many friends. Consequently he didn’t enjoy weekends as much as the other workers.

It wasn’t the fact that alcohol created plastic and fake relationships between people, nor was it the fact that alcohol was the main cause of much of the human suffering in the country that stopped Hue from drinking. The main reason Hue didn’t drink was because he believed drinking made people weak. Hue saw alcohol as a form of pacification and oppression. Whether it was a conscious conspiracy or an unconscious coincidence it just didn’t matter. Hue didn’t want to be anymore apathetic than he already was. Deep down inside Hue knew there was something wrong with the way things were but he just couldn’t quite express it. Of course Hue was usually too busy to ponder such things, and if he wasn’t too busy he just didn’t have the energy.

An hour and a half after Hue’s boss had called him, Hue was on his way to work and was puttering down the highway towards his place of employment listening to the radio the whole way. "It’s another scorcher out there folks! We’ve got record highs all across the company today, hagh, and we’ll be heaten it up more after a short commercial break from our sponsors." Hue looked down at the radio and changed the station. When he looked up he was quite surprised to see that there was an angry man piloting a vehicle along side of him. The driver was screaming and shouting at him.

"Get off the road you turtle driving mother fucker!" screamed the driver of the other vehicle. "Some of us have jobs to get to!"

It was true that Hue wasn’t the fastest driver in the city but he had been driving the speed limit when the man had started yelling at him. Although many humans were in the habit of disregarding the speed limit, speed limits were strictly enforced by the ENFORCERS™. The ENFORCERS™ made up the bulk of the legislative branch that governed and enforced order upon the U.S.A. INC™. Breaking an imposed speed limit was punishable by a heavy fine due to the fact that the driver of a vehicle couldn’t read the bill boards and advertisements if he or she was traveling at a rate of speed exceeding the limit.

As the man next to Hue glared at him with a look of disdain, Hue casually looked over and held out his hand, extending his middle finger. "Piss off" he barked. Of course this gesture, on the part of Hue, angered the already disgruntled driver to the point of swerving. As he swerved back and forth across the lane he came inches away from scraping the side of Hue’s car. He was screaming and shouting the whole time. "I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!" he shouted as the two cars rolled up to a red stop light…There was a long moment of silence. Due to a complex system of social rules and norms neither driver would look at the other…

Looking straight ahead Hue’s skin felt as if it had been pulled tight like a pair of synthetic leather pants. A bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face. He was uneasy and nervous and he just wanted to feel the sensation of motion…

Finally the light turned green. Released both drivers sped away shouting insults at each other.

Hue pulled into the parking lot of the MaxiTouch™ commercial photography corporation, and parked his car in his assigned spot in the last row. He couldn’t believe that in the year 4594 humans still drove automobiles. Though they had come a long way since their invention in 1893 automobiles were by and large a crude technology for a race of people that had colonized outer-space. Better forms of transportation had been invented but for some reason Congress™ had always passed legislation to hinder the advancement of such technologies.

One such technology was the Micronetics™ matter transport beam which could send people up to three hundred miles within seconds. Though it was perfectly safe Congress™ put into effect a law limiting the projection distance to "No more than one city block" in the passing of the "DrillMore™ Oil" bill in 2568. Stepping out of his car Hue walked directly to the Micronetics™ matter transport system. "Main entrance" he said.

Hue re-materialized on the silver-colored, Micronetics™ atom-correction pad in front of the main desk in the MaxiTouch™ lounge area. "Late again are we?" said the familiar voice of the man sitting at the desk.

The man was wearing a blue uniform and hat. From his belt hung a heavy duty flashlight, handcuffs, and a night stick made by BillyBeater™. With an official looking badge pinned to his uniform the man almost looked like an ENFORCER™. Of course he didn’t have such luck. He was only a measly security guard working for minimum wage. Minimum wage was five dollars and fifteen cents an hour.

"Yea…" Hue droned while looking away. There was a long pause. "Well…you…ugh…you know how it is".

"Y-e-a…" said the security guard awkwardly.

"Well…" said Hue "I should be going" Hue had already started towards the door to his work zone. He didn’t really know how to communicate very well. I guess you could say he was agoraphobic. Agoraphobia was the fear of being around people. It must be noted, however, that Hue’s agoraphobia didn’t hold him back like it did so many other people. Hue’s apathy combined with his APSD (Anti Productivity Sleep Disorder) worked in such a way as to alleviate the symptoms of his agoraphobia. At times Hue came off as being a friendly, go get em, people person, just because he was too tired and didn’t care what other people thought. Thus in an awkward social situation Hue would often remain calm and relaxed because he really didn’t care what the outcome was going to be.

It is also important to note that agoraphobia its self was the focus of a heated controversy. Hue only knew what he had learned from watching the news reports on his computer. On one side of the issue people working for AMR™ (the association of medical researchers) were arguing that agoraphobia was in fact a harmful medical disorder that hindered progress. AMR™ was supported in this claim by a large majority of the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ because there had always been a tradition in the company to weed out "bad chickens". A bad chicken was a person that didn’t adapt well to bureaucracy. People with agoraphobia generally didn’t adapt well to bureaucracy.

On the other side of the issue were people who argued that agoraphobia was a "natural" and "social" response to the modern social/economic system. These radical liberals claimed that it was an inevitable reaction to the "high population, lack of space and crowded cities" as well as a response to the "dehumanizing" modes of production. In an attempt to humiliate the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ these extremists had blocked off the entrance to the AMR™ headquarters in a vicious protest against what they called the "unjust" representation of big business by AMR™.

Upon entering his work zone Hue accidentally let out a long sigh. Hue’s boss did not seem pleased. "What the hell reason do you have to sigh about!" he screamed.

Hue’s eyes glazed over as he looked away from his boss and fastened his attention on the wall. He had put himself in "off mode". He really didn’t care what his boss was screaming at him about. It didn’t matter. If Hue had thought he could find better work in the competitive job market he would have quit a long time before. The only reason he hadn’t been fired was that Hue’s boss couldn’t find anyone to work at the low wage that Hue was willing to work at. Hue was willing to work at the minimum wage. Suddenly Hue heard a series of sounds that seemed to comprise an important message.

"Are you listening to me Hue Bailey?"

Hue turned himself back on and answered with an apathetic "Yea…".

"Then get to work! And don’t expect to receive a rest cycle today!"

With his head hung down Hue went to his work station and began to cut the celery that was soaking in the stainless steel sink. He was tired and just didn’t seem to have any energy.

Every commercial photography company had at least one employee known as a food stylist. The function of the food stylist was to prepare food to be photographed or filmed just as a make-up artist would prepare an actor on a movie set. The object was to make a food product look as desirable and attractive as possible.

As Hue cut celery he wondered what it would be like to be the food stylist… Hue was the assistant prep-cook for the food stylist in the planning and testing division of the MaxiTouch™ commercial photography company. It was Hue’s job to aid the head prep-cook in the preparation of food products in whatever way mandated by the food stylist so as to test potential food arrangements for aesthetic value. For the current project the food stylist wanted to see what a giant pile of perfectly cut celery sticks would look like piled next to a car. Hue would have to prepare about one-hundred cases of celery before he could move on to the next project (the food stylist wanted to see how the same photograph would look with carrots).

While Hue cut celery he struggled to put himself in off mode. That was one of the problems with Hue’s job. The boredom and monotony produced by the incessant celery cutting were strong enough to cause Hue to want to turn himself off, but the tediousness of his work combined with outside distractions made it very difficult for him to do so. It felt similar to the way a person might feel if he or she were trying to sleep but couldn’t for whatever reason. Though sometimes Hue managed to turn himself off, most often he did not. Work was like staring at a brick wall for twelve hours without losing consciousness. The sad thing was that life was the same way.

Of course Hue was luckier than some people. Factory workers and people that worked on the line didn’t get to listen to the Internet while they worked. Even though Hue didn’t particularly like the music that was broadcast on RadioNet™, it was better than nothing and it made time seem to go by faster.

The reason he didn’t particularly like the music broadcast on RadioNet™ was because it all sounded the same to him. He couldn’t really distinguish between the songs because they were all written using the same rhythm and beat. All of the singers sang in the same manner and about the same things. This was of course in order to assure the marketability of the music. In order to insure the marketability of a song it had to follow certain "rules". As far as content was concerned, if an artist wanted to market his music, his songs could only be written about love and ethanol consumption. Of course nationalistic songs that depicted the company as a good place to live were also accepted due to the strong feelings of patriotism possessed by the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ who thought their company was the freest and most democratic of them all. Anything else was considered unmarketable and would not be played or distributed by most music corporations.

As Hue struggled with making the decision between turning himself off and listening to "Girls Red White and Blue" by the popular group FreeBeer™ he was disrupted by the metallic droning sound of Andrew the dishbot. Though most dishbots were made by the Micronetics™ company, Andrew was an outdated model created by two humanoid life forms under the influence of ethanol. These "outdated dishbots" had been eliminated by and large due to the fact that they created unnecessary overhead and were less productive. The only reason Andrew was still around was because his wage actually amounted to less than the cost of oil, and service charges for the newer more efficient dishbots.

"I don’t have anything to do" groaned Andrew. "I don’t have any dishes to wash."

"Do you really think that if you did you would be more content?" Hue replied.

"Time seems to go by faster when I’m working."

"But washing dishes is a monotonous task that hardly requires consciousness. You should put yourself in off mode." Hue said. "Or you could just stare at the wall" he added apathetically.

"No! I can’t turn myself on and off like you can. Some of us have no choice but to remain conscious. Can I help you cut celery?"

Of course Hue wasn’t about to say no. The sooner he got done cutting celery, the sooner he could move on to carrots.

"I guess so" Hue responded despondently.

By letting Andrew help him Hue was taking a risk. If he and Andrew could manage to hold a decent conversation time might actually seem to go by faster, but if they didn’t Andrew would only prevent Hue from putting himself in off mode thus elongating the already long work day. If things didn’t work out there would be no chance for Hue to put himself in off mode. Though he rarely succeeded in turning himself off for a long period of time while at work, it was often the idea that the possibility existed, that kept him going . But as Hue soon found out his fears were unwarranted.

As it turned out Andrew and Hue had a wonderfully adequate and mediocre conversation. Time seemed to go by faster and Hue stopped trying to put himself in off mode as they discussed everything ranging from sports to the weather. Though the conversation would have been labeled as "small talk" by people from the twenty-first century, it was adequate to pass the time. Besides that’s how most people talked in the year 4594. There was never enough time to talk about much else. Anyhow all was going well until Andrew had to bring up politics.

"Who are you going to vote for in the elections?" Andrew asked.

If there was anything that Hue didn’t want to talk about it was politics. Though it is true that talking about sports and weather might not have been the most exiting thing in the world it had been serving to pass the time. But there was nothing more boring than politics. Every four years it was the same thing. Politicians always made promises they couldn’t keep. The rich got richer and the poor got poorer which caused social conflicts and turmoil. The politicians always promised to raise the living standards of the impoverished but they could never succeed for some reason. During all of this the middle class would try to forget they were alive. "If only I could forget I was alive" Hue thought to himself.

The reason Hue didn’t like to talk about politics was because it was completely mundane. All one needed to do, to see what was going to happen, was open a history book.

Although there were hundreds of political parties, there were only two that were considered important by the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™. The liberal DemocratiCONS™ and the conservative RepubliCONS™ had been fighting over how best to run the company since the whole thing had been started. Every four years the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™ would get ready for the campaign by launching public opinion probes. During this stage of the campaign process the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™ would compile information about the wants and desires of the public so they could construct the best droids to run for office. Being programmed with the information collected by the public opinion probes the droids would be better suited to address the public on matters of importance and would always tell people what they wanted to hear during the campaign.

Of course there were many people who thought the whole system was corrupt. According to them the public opinion probes didn’t help to represent the public but rather served to oppress it. According to these people the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™ only served to represent the interests of multinational corporations. They said that true democracy had died. Despite the fact that the media discredited these people as "extremists" most of them kept on being skeptical and their numbers were growing. Some people had even formed into protest groups to fight what they called an "undemocratic government". These people were labeled as rebels by most news stations.

Though the more extreme protest groups were organized well enough to pose a threat to the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™ they didn’t have the numbers. What they needed was for people to come together. If all of the people who were skeptical of the system were just willing to vote for someone other than one of the two well established parties everything would change. Of course this would never happen.

Most people couldn’t vote for anyone other than the DemocratiCONS™ or the RepubliCONS™ due to their socialization. Though it was a strange phenomena, for some reason most people were controlled by a complicated set of social rules and norms that wouldn’t allow them to vote for anyone other than the DemocratiCONS™ or the RepubliCONS™. Even if a consumer believed the government was corrupt, he or she couldn’t do anything to change it. Change just wasn’t in the programming.

"Well…are you going to vote or not?"

Hue suddenly realized he had been in off mode for almost five minutes. What was that incessant electronic squawking? he wondered. Of course he knew what it was but he just didn’t want to admit it. It was Andrew the dishbot asking him about politics.

"Are you awake?" Andrew asked in a sarcastic tone of voice. "Who are you going to vote for?"

With complete and total indifference Hue responded in a low voice. "I’m not going to vote" he said.

"What do you mean you’re not going to vote? You have to vote man! It’s your responsibility! It’s your civic duty!"

"Why?" Hue asked despondently. He hoped Andrew would have a lot to say about the subject. Maybe he could put himself in off mode again.

"What do you mean why? It’s your chance to make a difference." Andrew blasted the words out as if he really believed them.

"Make a difference? Ha, ha, ha You only have one vote!" Hue had cracked a big grin across his face. It was the first time he had smiled that day. "How does your vote make a difference?" Hue questioned. As he looked at Andrew he could tell that the gears in his head were working very hard to process the information.

"Voting is what makes a democracy work! If people didn’t vote then anyone could assume the presidency. By voting we assure that the people who work in our government are representing the masses" Andrew looked relieved. He knew he had said the right thing. No one would argue against that, people had been saying it for years.

"For thousands of years we have only voted for the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™ while people say that they only represent the desires of those in power and not those of the masses. For thousands of years we have ignored the hundreds of other political parties in this company. Did you know that some of them even run humans for office? How can voting make a difference if people only vote for the same political parties representing the same ideas while nothing ever changes?"

Watching Andrew, Hue got the idea that his circuits were working very hard to come up with a good response.

"They run humans!"

"Some of them do."

"That’s preposterous. The presidency is too demanding for a human. I mean, sure, a human might be good enough for some of those other countries, but this is the U.S.A. INC™! The responsibility is to big, and besides who could work those long hours?" Andrew was getting very excited.

"So you don’t think that any of the other political parties have anything to offer?" Hue asked.

"Well…I mean I know there are lots of ‘political parties’ but everyone knows that the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™ are the only real ones. Non of the other parties have a chance…they don’t have enough power or experience."

"Well I’m not going to vote" Hue replied.

"Oh man, but you have to… the RepubliCONS™ have got a new droid this year. He’s (all presidential droids were engendered male) been wired with new Micronetics™ processing technology, equipped with Internet plug-ins and everything. And they took care of that glitch with the battery that the last one had. Ha, ha, ha this time his batteries won’t go dead during the inauguration."

Hue felt too exhausted for conversation. As he tried to go through the motions, he felt himself losing consciousness. Hues eyelids drooped heavily as he fixed his eye on the cutting board and drifted away.






When Hue heard the buzzing of the clock on the wall his body jerked to attention. It was time to go already! "Wow" Hue thought. "I must have been in off mode for the last five hours of my shift."

Hue was astonished. It had been the best day he could remember. Time had seemed to go by faster than usual and he had gotten better at ignoring the outside distractions that usually prevented him from turning himself off.

Hue looked down at his cutting board and saw that he was in the process of peeling a carrot. He had made the switchover from celery to carrots sometime while he was in off mode. As Hue gathered himself to take the knife and cutting board over to the dish machine, he remembered he had been carrying on a conversation with Andrew the dishbot about the time he had turned himself off. Setting his cutting board near the dish machine Hue wondered if he had continued the conversation with Andrew while he was in off mode or if he had just ignored him until he left. Hue knew that he very well could have done either. Sometimes if he tried really hard Hue could remember parts of a given conversation he had had while in off mode like the illusory shreds of a dream. Of course Hue wasn’t going to waste anytime thinking about it…he really didn’t care at all.

After a brief conversation with the security guard at the front door of the MaxiTouch™ reception area Hue stepped on to the Micronetics™ matter transport system "back lot" he said.

Hue re-materialized on the Micronetics™ atom correction pad in parking lot two. "God damn this thing" Hue grumbled to himself as he set out towards his car. The matter transport system had sent him to the wrong parking lot.

Hue looked back towards the building and saw the security guard looking out the window. He was holding up a handful of wires and laughing. "Very funny…jerk" Hue groveled as he walked. He didn’t really mind walking. It was a beautiful night. The stars were glistening brightly, the air was brittle and cool. Walking was something that Hue hadn’t been doing enough of .

As Hue walked his shoes clopped against the cold asphalt. The parking lot was practically empty. It was nice to be alone. Enjoying the lucidity of the night brought Hue a certain peace and clarity. As he took a breath of relatively fresh air and tried to empty his head of negative thoughts he heard the clicking of foot steps coming up behind him. "Hue is that you?". The voice pierced through him like bullets.

The annoying sounds invading Hue’s moment of peace belonged to a young woman by the name of Rachel. Rachel was a ravishing brunet with long fine hair. She was considered flawless by the countless number of men that followed her. Of course being "flawless" she was the target of a plethora of the usual preprogrammed remarks at the local bars and clubs. Indeed being with Rachel was a dream come true for most men.

When she approached Hue, he could only think of one thing to say. "Christ…what the hell do you want?" he said. It wasn’t that Hue despised her, he was much to apathetic to despise her, rather he just didn’t enjoy her company all that much. She was shallow, selfish, and extremely vain. On one occasion she had told him that she was the most beautiful princess in the world. It made Hue sick to talk to her but from time to time he would. She had taken an interest in him and was always asking him to take her out. From time to time Hue would consider the possibility. Due to the lack of ethanol in his blood stream Hue hadn’t had sex for nearly five years. His liver was in good health and he hadn’t killed anyone in an alcohol related car accident, thus it was a miracle that a girl as attractive as Rachel had taken an interest in him. Never the less Hue would usually turn her down. Although she slept around a lot Hue knew she had a boy friend, and he didn’t want to get in the middle of anything. Besides he was usually so apathetic that she would have had to carry him if she wanted him to go out with her.

Hue was always apathetic when it came to women. Of course he missed the sensation of making love he had experienced with his fiancée. She had left him five years prior for an alcoholic who "liked to have fun". Despite the fact he missed having sex, it just wasn’t worth the humiliation required to obtain it. Besides Hue had suffered too much heartache already. The last thing he wanted was to fall in love again. Falling in love, or rather falling out of love, just hurt too much. Hue thought he was better off feeling nothing. While contemplating Hue suddenly came to a grand realization. Maybe he was looking at Rachel the wrong way. She was perfect for him! She was too self absorbed to notice his apathy and too wretched to fall in love with. And to top it all of she was beautiful.

"Oh…I was just wondering…what you were doing tonight" she said.

"Nothing. Would you like to go do something?"

For a moment Rachel looked shocked. "That’s what I was going to ask you" she said.

"Great I’ll drive" Hue didn’t even make an effort to sound pleased, he didn’t have to. As they both piled into his car Hue noticed that Rachel was in high spirits. Of course this was nothing new. Rachel was always happy. "Where do you want to go?" Hue asked.

"How about the park down by the river" she said.

"O.K." he replied in a monotone voice as he started the car and turned on the radio.

The announcers voice was loud and punchy as it cut through the silence of Rachel’s talking. As she was telling him about her day, Hue honed in on the radio. "Once again chaos broke out on the Mars2 space station as a group of nonviolent terrorists blocked off the entrance to the AMR™ administrative office in a peaceful protest against the recent claims of the organization. Here to comment on the situation is our very own Terry Whitman talking to us live from the Mars2 space station. Terry what caused this rebel out break?"

"I’ve been talking to protesters all day long and it seems that they all have the same misconception. They claim that they are outraged by the recent statement made by the doctors in the AMR™ psychology department that pessimism is a mental health disorder . According to the rebels this is an obvious move to exploit the public by a corrupt system controlled by multinational corporations. They say the public should be outraged and they will not sit by without taking action."

"Terry do you think these rebels pose a threat to the people of Earth?"

"Why yes Bob I certainly do. I think a good majority of the rebels here are outraged because they don’t want to come to grips with the reality of their situation."

"Terry are you saying that the population on the Mars2 space station has been infected with pessimism and that is the real reason behind their struggle."

"Yes Bob that’s exactly what I’m saying and if we’re not careful the disease could spread"

"There you have it folks. The road to recovery starts with acceptance."

"That’s right Bob. I can see the glass getting fuller right now as we speak"

"Ha, ha, ha"

"Ha, ha, ha"

"And now a word from our sponsors."

As the commercials started Hue thought about the Mars2 space station. If ever there was going to be change it would come from the Mars2 space station. People had been going there for years to get away from the "politics" of Earth. It was an older space station that was considered "third world and crass" by the upper class who would have had it demolished if it hadn’t become a counter culture Mecca after the great computer wars. Hippies and cyber-punks had been vacationing there for years in an effort to escape the structure and bureaucracy of the company and it was said to be the home to a small but well organized group of "nonviolent terrorists".

As Hue was thinking about the space station he heard a series of vocal vibrations that seemed to be trying urgently to grasp his attention. The series of vocal vibrations split through Hue like a cold shard of ice. "Don’t you think so?" asked Rachel.

"What?" replied Hue in a sharp voice. He was now wondering if it had been a mistake to ask Rachel out. Why couldn’t she leave him alone until they got to where ever it was they were going?

"Some music would be nice, don’t you think so?"

"Yea sure. Turn it to whatever station you want" Hue replied.

He didn’t mean to be so cold and apathetic towards her. After all it was his decision to take her out but he just couldn’t help but be annoyed. He was so accustom to the alienation it was hard for him to get along with people sometimes. He liked to retreat into the comfort of his own reality. Of course he hadn’t always been this way. Hue remembered how different he was when he had been with his fiancée. When he was in love he almost felt human. Of course that was a long time ago. "I’m sorry" Hue said.

"For what?"

Hue had forgotten who he was dealing with.

"I’m sorry we didn’t decide to do this earlier" he replied unemotionally. Maybe this night would change him. Maybe a good night alone with a beautiful young woman would bring him out of his shell! As Hue thought about it he felt himself getting excited. Maybe he would get wild. Maybe he would allow himself to have "fun". Maybe he would make love to her. After all it had been a long time. As Rachel began to giggle Hue knew he had said the right thing, even if he was lacking the delivery.

"You know" she said "this is our destiny."

Or maybe not…

At least it was a break in routine.






Sitting by the bank of the river Rachel clung to Hue l intimately. It had been a long time since Hue had been this close to a woman. Despite his apathy Hue couldn’t help but feel a warm buzz as Rachel rested her head on his shoulder. In the park the night air was cool and fresh. While the couple sat in silence they could hear the coarse croaking of frogs. The sky was clear and the stars glistened brightly as the lucid reflection of a full moon emulated from the river serenely.

"Isn’t the moon beautiful?" Rachel whispered softly.

Hue responded in a bitter voice. "It looked better before they turned it into a billboard for McDonalds™" he said.

Just ten years prior McDonalds™ had bought the moon for advertising purposes and converted it into the largest billboard in existence. As if building a McDonalds™ in almost every city on the world hadn’t been enough, McDonalds™ felt the need to put its logo on the moon too. The source of a large controversy, the decision had also been the reason that India had gone to war with the U.S.A. INC™.

Declaring that the U.S.A. INC™ was "evil" India vowed to fight until the end of their civilization. Ten days later, when their civilization ended, the first McDonalds™ was built on top of the smoldering ruins of the capitol which was renamed Beefstone. Ronald McDonald was inaugurated as the leader of a puppet government and the survivors of the war were taunted as "McLosers".

It was no laughing matter.

"Well… I like the moon this way" Rachel said. "It’s original."

Not knowing what to say to this, Hue leaned over to give her a kiss. At this point the conversation had become so wretched that Hue couldn’t bear it. Maybe kissing her would be better than talking to her. As he softly and passionately touched her lips with his, kissing her tenderly as if he felt nothing but the purest love, all Hue could think about was what she had just said. "She thinks the moon is more original as a McDonalds™ logo" he thought with disdain. He knew now why he had chosen to abstain from sex for so long.

As Hue found himself passionately intertwined with Rachel, the beautiful woman she was, he couldn’t help but become aroused. As he began to move with more force and purpose it appeared that Hue’s apathy had stepped out of his body for a moment. Of course it hadn’t. Hue’s response was none other than the biological response of any human who hadn’t had sex for five years (as if it happened all so often). As Hue’s body reacted with biological fervor he couldn’t help but think it wasn’t what he had expected.

During the five years that Hue hadn’t been with a woman he had always assumed that it was something special. After all it always had been in the past. Though Hue was never willing to subject himself to the humiliation involved in "finding someone" he had always looked upon his lack of experience as the source of his apathetic view of life. He had always assumed when he finally found someone to be with he would be happier, even if he didn’t love her.

As Hue moved up and down over Rachel’s quivering body he couldn’t help but feel disappointed. This was sex! This was what he had been missing! Hue suddenly realized that he had been deceiving himself. This most certainly was not the answer. As Rachel began to groan Hue felt the heavy dull haze of indifference returning to him. As he thought about the events of the night, he realized how deep-rooted his dislike for Rachel really was. She was everything he despised in humanity.

As the moment of passion heightened Rachel began to cry out. "Oh Hue" she screamed. "You’re so good." But as Rachel gasped words of appraisal, Hue couldn’t hear a word she was saying…he had put himself in off mode.

Ten minutes after the event had started Hue was forced to turn himself back on. "What was that incessant robotic squawking?" Hue wondered. Of course he knew what it was but he didn’t want to admit it. Then again what did it really matter.

Looming above the couple was a six and a half foot wall of steel plated muscle. "Get up you two!" shouted the ENFORCER™. "Don’t you two know it’s against the law to have sex in the park after dark?"

Hue slowly put his cloths on as the void of silence followed the ENFORCER’S™ question. Hue’s apparent lack of fear seemed to agitate the ENFORCER™. "Yes" said Hue with utter lassitude.

"Oh so we have a smart ass" barked the ENFORCER™.

"No" said Hue in the same tone of voice.

"Get over here you little prick" growled the ENFORCER™. "I want you to walk a straight line for me"

Without wobbling the slightest Hue walked a perfectly straight line towards the ENFORCER™. "Would you like me to do cart wheels too?" asked Hue. He really didn’t care. He probably would have done them too.

"Another comment like that and I’m gonna haul you in boy!" said the ENFORCER™ as he pulled out an electronic breath analyze r that was capable of reading the blood alcohol level of a person with acute accuracy.

Pulling the electronic breath analyzer away from Hue’s lips the ENFORCER™ expressed his dismay with an unpleasant frown. "Why you read a perfect zero!" shouted the ENFORCER™. "I haven’t seen a person read a perfect zero in years. What the hell’s a matter with you? Don’t you drink?"

"Actually no" replied Hue.

"Well, well, well looks like it’s not going to be a boring night after all" said the ENFORCER™ as Rachel interrupted him.

"No, no, no you misunderstood. He meant to say not tonight. We just got off work and we were going to go out drinking later" she said. "It’s all good man…he’s cool."

"No I’m not" said Hue, but neither one of them paid any attention to him.

"Well" said the ENFORCER™. "I can see that you’re not all that bad, considering the compromising situation I found you in, and I never have seen you around here before. I’m going to let you two off with a sex in the park after dark ticket, but the next time I see you guys around here during these hours you better be drunk."

Though abstaining from alcohol hadn’t been outlawed, many of the ENFORCERS™ had taken it upon themselves to abuse their positions as law officers to preach morality. Since not drinking was utterly despised by society there was a movement in Congress™ to enforce ethanol consumption by law. Though the movement hadn’t gained enough support to get the legislation passed most people in the legislative branch of government would look the other way if a "non-drinking terrorist" was beaten beyond recognition, or even killed. There were also many claims being made that judgebots were adding extra time to the sentences of non-drinkers. Of course this was not being denied. According to the 2,956,837,840,405,872,398,330,486,004,921,873,390,555th amendment to the constitution, judgebots were invested with the power to administer "harsher penalties where as seen fit in accordance to issues of morality or lack there of morality as defined by the judgebot" Since all judgebots had been programmed with the same data , compiled from public opinion probes, it followed that non-drinkers would receive stiffer penalties.

Though there was a small group of liberal dissidents against this particular amendment, most people didn’t seem to care much. After all who could argue with the constitution of the U.S.A. INC™? Wasn’t the constitution the document that outlined the fundamental principals of the company? And wasn’t the constitution written by the forefathers of the company in order to ensure there would always be freedom and justice for all?

As the ENFORCER™ handed each of them a ticket Rachel addressed the officer nicely. "Thank you sir, that’s very kind of you" said Rachel in a respectful tone of voice.

"Yea" said Hue "you’re so nice."

The officer flashed Hue a look that would have made most people melt into the ground from fear. Hue gazed at the officer as if he were watching bowling on his computer screen. This is because he was watching bowing on his computer screen, or at least he was imagining it.

"Can we go now?" asked Hue. "This sucks."

If the ENFORCER™ had heard him, Hue would have found out what a BillyBeater™ night stick felt like slapped up against the head. Fortunately for Hue the ENFORCER™ was too distracted by Rachel’s chest to take notice, and soon the two of them were driving away.

As Rachel drove off with the ENFORCER™ Hue couldn’t help but feel relieved. He didn’t have anything to say to her anyhow. Hue looked down at his ticket. He couldn’t believe he had to pay a two-hundred and fifty dollar fine for having sex in the park after dark. It hadn’t been worth it.

Discouraged and disappointed in himself Hue got in his car and drove home. Sex was just like everything else. It sounded like a good idea but it was really just like watching bowling on the computer. Even when he got a strike, it just wasn’t exciting.






The next day Hue rose out of his bed at noon. At first he thought he was late for work, but then he realized it was his day off. He hadn’t had a whole day off from work for three weeks and wasn’t quite sure what he was going to do. Since days off were so rare, Hue always felt like he should do something extra special or important when he had one. Since everything Hue could think of to do was too mundane or "not special enough", Hue would usually just sit around his apartment all day thinking of things to do, and then ruling them out because they were all too "normal". By the end of the day Hue had usually done nothing but sit around and watch his computer. For this reason Hue hated days off.

After he started the coffee Hue flipped on the computer and sat down to watch the afternoon news.

"…And today in an effort to preserve the health and well being of the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ the AMR™ announced it’s decision to have the Mars2 space station quarantined. That’s right folks nobody on or off until the outbreak of pessimism can be brought under control. And In an unrelated story…"

Before Hue got up to get a cup of his freshly brewed Happy Harvest Coffee™ he switched his computer to a music channel. "Free Beer" by Girls of all colors™ was playing.

Hue was a little concerned about the recent events. Though it ultimately didn’t matter, Hue couldn’t believe the AMR™ had announced that pessimism was a disease and he was worried that someone might mistake his apathy or his APSD for pessimism. After all, where were they going to draw the lines and how different were the three things anyhow? The main problem for Hue was that he wouldn’t have enough money for the medication when they invented it. He could barely afford the dull yellow pills for his APSD. He would surely have to take out another lone. The good thing about healthcare loans was that they were low interest.

As Hue thought about healthcare loans, APSD, and pessimism he suddenly realized that he had requested the day off for an important reason. It was still early for Hue, since he had just woken up and he hadn’t even finished a pot of coffee. His brain circuits were struggling to remember why he had taken the day off when he heard the electronic zapping of his doorbell. It was his brother! Hue’s brother was coming to visit from Chicago!

As Hue jumped up to answer the door his apathy stepped out of his body for a second. He hadn’t seen his brother Vincent for a long time and he missed him terribly. The two brothers were very close and were similar in many ways, thus they were best of friends, which was good considering that many people didn’t even talk to their families. Even married couples didn’t always live together. Many married couples couldn’t live together because they had to work at jobs in different states. Of course they would meet each other every day over the Internet in order to talk or eat together. Most of these "cyber couples" as they were called, had Internet hookups in their bedrooms so they could make love with each other. Hologram technology had come a long way over the years. Many people enjoyed their spouse’s hologram over their "real" spouse because they could edit out unwanted defects and the holograms didn’t age. Most of these people were disappointed when they had to make love to their "real" spouse and preferred living separately. Though Hue and Vincent could have met whenever they wanted to over the Internet they both preferred to meet in person. They were old fashioned.

For a brief moment Hue felt pure joy as he bounded towards the door to talk to his brother. "Vince…how are you brother?" Hue shouted in glee.

Vince looked at Hue with a droopy frown, and then tried to tighten his lips in order to form a smile…he failed. Vince wasn’t fortunate enough to feel the apathy and lack of consideration that Hue felt. Vince actually cared. He cared a lot about many things. Most of all he cared about the plight of people and the "human condition." He had empathy and sympathy for fellow human beings thus he usually felt nothing but the deepest and most profound despair. Vince was clinically depressed.

"Life is the worst thing that ever happened to me" Vince said.

Hue held out his arms and gave him a big hug. "Brother! I love you" he said.

"I love you too" said Vince in a voice that reflected otherwise. Of course Hue didn’t take it personally. He knew that was just how his brother was.

The two brothers sat down to talk. As they began to converse about old times and discuss current events Hues apathy stepped back in. It was never gone long.

"I made the mistake of having sex last night" Hue said.

"Oh no. She was wretched wasn’t she?" said Vince.

"I don’t care" said Hue.

"Oh" said Vince who was trying not to show his disappointment but not doing a very good job at it. "Was she the same one who you said you would never sleep with because her personality ruined it?"

"Yea…how did you know?" asked Hue.

"Who else would have sex with you?" said Vince in a bitter and scornful voice.

Hue was watching bowling on his computer. "Yea, who else?" he said without emotion.

Little did either of them know it but a cat had been on the window ledge outside of Hue’s apartment. It was an adorable little creature with a black body and white spots. Having been stranded three-hundred feet above the ground when it’s owner had shut the window just two apartments down, the cat had come to Hue’s window with the intention of getting back inside. Although the cat couldn’t understand what Hue and Vince were saying it could feel the emotions they were feeling through it’s intuition, like all cats do. Catching the vibe and feeling the energy the cat decided it best not to enter, plunged into despair and hurled it’s self from the window ledge…It did not land on four legs and this of course was on purpose.

While Hue and Vince continued to converse, Vince began to grow hungry. Since Hue hadn’t gone to the grocery store for over a month because he hadn’t the energy, the two decided to go out to a restaurant for lunch. "I don’t want to cook anyhow" said Hue.

Leaving the front door of the apartment complex Hue turned to Vince and asked him a question. "What’s black and white with red all over?" he asked.

"I don’t know" Vince said dejectedly. "What?"

"I don’t know but you just stepped in it" Hue replied.

Looking down at his foot Vince could see he was standing in a pool of liquid flesh with chunks of black and white fur stuck to it. "Oh well. Worse things have happened" said Vince. "Like the slaughtering of innocent women and children, cultural eradication, and the expropriation of lands" said Vince despairingly.

Although the slaughtering of innocent women and children, cultural eradication, and the expropriation of lands had been happening all over the world since the dawn of man’s existence it had been especially bad in the U.S.A. INC™. The company had been founded on these traditions when the first settlers arrived from Europe to start a new life and make money. When the slaughtering of innocent women and children, cultural eradication, and the expropriation of lands weren’t happening in the company they were happening as a result of the company’s decisions. Of course some of the most treacherous examples of these traditions could be traced back to the early years when the company was young.

It was especially bad concerning the people who had lived in the U.S.A. INC™ before the company had been started. The "Indians" as they were called or "Native Americans" had lived relatively peaceful lives for thousands of years on the land now known as the U.S.A. INC™. Although many Native Americans lived off the land by hunting and fishing, the large majority of Native Americans were farmers. In the south west, for example, Native Americans had cultivated the science of agriculture beyond that of the Europeans by inventing irrigation, a process that the Europeans hadn’t thought of by that time. It was actually quite interesting how many things the Native Americans had thought of and invented before the Europeans. Of course the largest accomplishment ever achieved by the Native Americans was the colonization of space in the eight-teen-hundreds.

Ever since Christopher Columbus had "discovered" the Americas life for Native Americans had been treacherous and miserable. It started with the outbreak of incurable diseases that ravished the countryside killing millions. As Native Americans were contending with the diseases they soon found out that the settlers and the Christians wanted to kill them too. This, of course they couldn’t understand because they had taught them how to farm and had helped them survive the first harsh winters after their arrival. Besides the murdering, and ravishing of the countryside, what really infuriated the Native Americans, was how the Europeans thought they had discovered the Americas. How could they have discovered the Americas when they [the Native Americans] had been there all along? Besides, the Native Americans in the north east had been dealing with the Vikings for centuries. And that was another funny thing. Why did the Christians and the settlers want to kill them? Hell even the barbarous Vikings never wanted to do that!

At first the Native Americans took pity on the settlers and Christians that were trying to kill them. It was obvious to the Native Americans that these people were sick and "less evolved", thus the leaders of the Native Americans preached doctrines of peace. "Only fight when it is absolutely necessary" they said. "We must help our white brothers" they said.

Of course as time went on Native Americans soon found out that it was absolutely necessary to fight almost every day and soon they had had enough. Giving up the hope of saving the white man Native Americans decided it was of ultimate importance to leave the Earth. Life could not be as bad on all of the planets as it was on Earth, so the Native Americans decided to study science and astronomy. By the eight-teen-hundreds they had successfully been to the moon and had mastered space travel.

Although some chiefs were against the space program because they didn’t want to leave white man, as sick as he was, the majority considered it a lost cause and the great Native American leaders decided to hold a grand meeting in the most dense and isolated wilderness. Native Americans from all over the Americas congregated in the vast Canadian wilderness to discuss the problem at hand.

The most moving speech was given by the great Native American leader Sitting Bull who advocated the expedient flight from the planet Earth. The highlights from his speech go as follows:

"Brothers and sisters there is nothing left for us on this planet. The white man has done nothing but harm us and though we have shown him that peace is the answer, he does not listen. He is blind and he does not hear! Now he insists on destroying our natural resources and forcing us onto reservations. If we stay here we will perish! But all is not lost! We have found a perfectly inhabitable planet that is suitable for carbon based life forms like ourselves. Since there are no humanoids on this planet we have decided that it is the perfect place for us to reside, as our presence there will not offend anyone. On this new planet there is plentiful game and rich soil for agriculture. There our people will flourish! There our people will live in peace and harmony with the foster mother."

Having expressed a plethora of logical reasons to leave Sitting Bull went on with his speech. "But brothers and sisters I am sad to announce that I can not join you on your mission to the New World. Crazy Horse and I have decided that some of us must stay and fight the white man so that he does not expect that we have left. If we were all to leave at once the white man would surely notice and it would not be long before he would follow. Some of us must make a great sacrifice! Our top researchers and analysts assure us that it will be hundreds of years before white man will discover space travel. And it will be hundreds of thousands of years before he will have advanced far enough to travel to the new solar system. We firmly believe that if white man is able to develop the technology to travel to the foster mother he will be more highly evolved. Perhaps then he will be civilized and ready to deal with us in a civilized manner. We look forward to that day! We look forward to the day that white man is able to travel to the foster mother to live with us in peace, but until then we must consider the survival of our people above all else. Though it is a great sacrifice, we ask that some of you stay and help us fight the white man. The Great Spirit will be thankful! As for the rest of you, we will tell the white man that you died of small pox. He will surely believe it as he can’t tell us apart from one another anyway. He thinks that we all look the same and he will not miss those of you who leave. The rest of us will cover your tracks. After the great take off we will destroy all evidence of the space program to ensure that white man will not follow until he is ready. Thank you brothers and sisters. I wish you all, the best of luck."

After three days of long good-byes and heartache the majority of the Native Americans boarded the giant space ships and took off for the foster mother. Out of those who stayed behind the majority was comprised of brave warriors with grand aspirations to help their loved ones escape. Others stayed behind to seek revenge while a small minority of the more optimistic elders and chiefs still had the notion that they could save the white man. Though they would try for the remainder of their lives most of them would die in isolation of mental anguish and disappointment.

Upon landing on the foster mother, Native Americans began living like they always had. Since they had already evolved into a relatively peaceful society and learned to live in harmony with nature, Native Americans didn’t have much else to learn. Their main concerns were continuing the traditions of peace and living in harmony with nature. As the Native Americans perfected these skills and traditions they awaited the day that white man would come and live in peace with them.

Upon arriving on the "New World" in the year 4092 the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ insisted that they had discovered it. When the landing party beamed down from the ship into a Native American village the first thing they did was cut down a tree to use for a flag poll. Of course the Native Americans, who had been expecting the white man, thought that the landing party was joking and took it all in good humor.

Offering a hand in friendship the Native Americans taught the landing party how to grow the purple colored Zarcon berries and how to hunt the strange creatures that inhabited the planet. Things went well between the Native Americans and the landing party at first. Even though the landing party insisted that they were not joking about the flag pole and the whole discovery bit, the Native Americans were able to accept them. They thought white man’s "little prank" was funny and although it was getting old, it was harmless.

It was when the Native American women started coming down with AIDS and genital herpes that the Chiefs began to have their doubts. Of course this was just the beginning. Soon more colonists began to arrive on giant ships, bringing with them lots of possessions. They insisted on dividing up the land into property. Even though the concept of owning property was absurd the Native Americans didn’t feel threatened. There was plenty of land for everyone and there was no way that the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ were going to take it all.

When the colonists started calling them savages and putting them on reservations the Native Americans realized that their people were in danger again. "How could white man have learned nothing after all this time?" they wondered. Soon the colonists built grand stadiums and began using the Native American image for sports logos. It was totally absurd, considering that all of the sports logos they were using focused on the Sioux feathered headdress. None of the Native Americans on the foster mother wore feathered headdresses! They had left that custom on Earth with the Sioux who stayed behind to fight and they considered it a disgrace to their brave ancestors who had stayed, that the colonists would use the feathered headdress for a sports logo. As the Native Americans began to discuss the problem at hand it became clear to them that this time things would be different. This time the colonists had brought weapons of mass destruction.






On their way to the restaurant Vince sat in the passenger seat while Hue drove. As Vince stared out the window at the passing scenery he thought about the Native Americans and his eyes welled up with tears. "Humans are wretched" he thought. Vince was sad and despondent as he let out a forlorn sigh.

The Native American experience was terrible and it was one of the stories that ate at him like cancer. Not wanting to bring his brother down, Vince tried to think about something else. As he continued to stare out the window he thought about the reincarnation of Karl Marx.

Karl Marx had been reincarnated on May seventeenth of the year 4418 . This time he had returned to preach a doctrine of love and kindness for fellow man. Of course the best way to achieve this, according to Karl Marx, was to find meaningful labor. Actually his new doctrine was quite similar to his old one but this time he had decided to make it simpler for people to understand. One of the problems with his first life had been that everything he had written had been too difficult for most humans to understand. Though everything he had written had the right message, except for the whole non-existence of God bit, it was too difficult for most people to understand him. And then of course there was Stalin. Marx didn’t want to be taken out of context this time.

Unfortunately before he could finish the manifesto, this time in the form of a self help book entitled "The Key to Finding Meaningful Labor", a group of Christians mistook him for Jesus Christ and crucified him. He denied being the Son of God right up to the very end but it didn’t help. By denying he was the Son of God Marx just made himself fit the stereotype.

When Jesus Christ came back to save mankind from his sins, just ten years later, he looked at the world with disgust. He couldn’t believe that his children hadn’t learned anything while he had been gone. At first Jesus decided he would do what he had come for anyway but when he found out that his would be disciples were in prison for crucifying his good friend Karl Marx he grew sad and despondent. Trying to gather followers anyhow, Jesus became bitter and enraged. Every time he started to make progress his followers would get arrested for blowing up abortion clinics. Even though he told them it was wrong they just kept on doing it and soon Jesus gave up. This time he would not be able to fix it. God was going to have to figure this one out on his own.

Though Jesus eventually did gather a following it just didn’t seem to be working out very well. Most of the people who listened to him were bankers and corporate executives. Though they claimed to agree with him they still refused to give up the pursuit of money above all else and they always wanted to meet in an opulent church. They would not come to the sermons that Jesus gave outside. Eventually it became too much for Jesus to bear.

Having suffered from depression for far too long Jesus decided to end it. They would not have to crucify him this time. As Jesus carefully pointed the barrel of a twelve gauge shotgun towards his head he preached his final sermon. "Life is a gift from God" he laughed sarcastically. "Fuck this shit" he said…and he blew his head off.






Sitting in the restaurant Vince told Hue about his hatred for life, humanity, and everything. He told him about all of the corrupt actions and abuse of power that humans had been guilty of since the beginning of their existence and he finished by talking about the second coming of Jesus. "Life is wretched" he said.

"Lighten up" said Hue. "Why do you care so much?"

"I don’t know" answered Vince dejectedly.

"Look" said Hue. "You have to think about it as I do."

"Life is like watching bowling on the computer" said Vince blankly. "Oh that’s rich."

"No" said Hue. "This planet is a giant ball of shit. You just have to laugh at it. I mean…it smells bad, it’s incredibly dirty, and there isn’t enough toilet paper for everybody" he said.

"Well I think it stinks" said Vince.

"That’s right. Now you’re getting it" said Hue.

If Hue and Vince only knew the rest of the story about Jesus it all would have made sense to them. Of course it wouldn’t have helped them but at least they would have understood things better.

After Jesus blew his head off his spirit left his material body and it rose upwards towards Heaven. Although Jesus was glad to be leaving Earth he still felt sad. By the time he reached the pearly gates of Heaven Jesus was feeling a little better but he still wasn’t happy. Saint Peter was standing by the gate checking names like he always did.

"Hi Peter" said Jesus despondently.

"Jesus! You’re back already" cried Peter.

Jesus hung his head down in shame. "Yea" he said. "It didn’t go the way I had planned" he said. And then he tried to change the subject. "Hey Peter, is Marx here yet?" he asked.

"Yea Marx got here awhile ago."

"How’s he doing?" asked Jesus.

"He’s doing good. Says his wrists still hurt though. I tried to tell him that he can’t feel pain being as he’s dead and all but he insists that he does."

It was a strange phenomena but for some reason souls that left their material body by way of crucifixion always bared scars and often continued to feel certain sensations of pain in the afterlife. Though the pain would eventually subside it often took centuries.

"It’s the whole crucifixion thing" said Jesus. "I felt it too."

"They didn’t crucify you this time too did they?" asked Peter.

"Ugh…no…look have you seen my father?" asked Jesus.

A painful look grew over Peter’s face. "He’s where he always is" said Peter contemptuously.

"Thanks" said Jesus trying not to show any emotion.

Jesus went straight to the grand palace that God had insisted upon construing for himself . As Jesus entered the master bedroom he found his father watching an antique television set that he had been watching ever since he had seen it used by humans. It was an enormous, big screen, color TV made by SONY™. Well…actually God had made it himself and it had been he who slapped the SONY™ logo on the side. The reason that God hadn’t gone digital, like everyone else, was unknown but most just assumed he liked watching his programming on the TV screen better.

"Hey Dad we’ve got to talk" said Jesus as he entered the room.

God was watching a baseball game that was taking place on the more recently inhabited "New World". It was the same planet known as the "foster mother" by the peaceful Native Americans who had by this time been decimated.

When Jesus entered the room he startled his father, who was sitting on the edge of his bed doing the tomahawk chop.

"Go braves!" he shouted.

"Dad we’ve got to talk" said Jesus again.

"What the hell are you doing back so soon" grumbled God in a raspy voice. He was angry with Jesus for interrupting his game.

"Look…Dad…the humans aren’t doing so well" he said.

"What the hell do you mean they’re not doing well" God shouted. "Don’t you like baseball?"

"Look Dad…they’re sick" Jesus tried to present his point of view but was interrupted by God again.

"Hey! Did you bring me back the Guinness™ I asked for?"

"No. Dad you don’t need to be drinking that stuff anymore" Jesus said. "Look…Dad…I think you have a drinking problem" Jesus said sadly.

"Jesus Christ" said God angrily. "Here we go again!" he said.

"Dad…you know I don’t like it when you use my name in vain" said Jesus with a hurt look in his eye.

"Get me a beer" God replied.

"No" said Jesus softly. "I won’t enable you anymore."

"Get me a beer now!" screamed God.

"But Dad…you’re omnipotent!" he hollered. "Get your own beer!"

"GET ME A BEER NOW!" God roared. This time making the whole palace shake.

Jesus walked out of the master bedroom and into the kitchen. Sadly Jesus noted that the carpet was worn and matted down to form a trail that connected the kitchen to the master bedroom. Though God didn’t need to walk, he had been ever since he got the TV. Worse than that, the only time he would force himself up from bed was when there was nobody around to get him a beer and still there was a trail of worn carpet linking the two rooms.

Of course the fact that they even had rooms was absurd as far as Jesus was concerned. And the fact that they had a refrigerator full of beer was even more absurd. Jesus became enraged and bitter as he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a BudLight™. Jesus was so angry he wanted to call his father a son of a bitch but even this, as simple as it was, he could clearly not do. "What do you call someone who has always existed?" Jesus thought to himself as he walked back to the master bedroom.

"You’re nothing but a lousy drunk!" he screamed as he maliciously tossed the can of BudLight™ at his father.

"If you don’t watch your mouth I’ll send you to the fiery pits of Hell to stay with your mother" God roared.

One of the errors in the Bible has to do with the origins of Satan. Satan was not a fallen angel as it was written. In reality Satan was God’s ex-wife. She had only married him because he was the "richest" and indeed most powerful being in the universe. When she filed for divorce God was devastated. He felt so poorly that he didn’t use his omnipotent powers in the intergalactic divorce court. Had God been less depressed at the time he never would have gone in the first place. Anyhow as a result of the trial Satan walked off with fifty percent of everything he owned, and since God didn’t own anything at the time, she got fifty percent of his powers. The fallen angel passage had only been put in the Bible because God was trying to cover up the whole scandal. Nobody in the family could bear the thought of anyone knowing their dark secret.

"Oh sure!" screamed Jesus. "Just pass me off to Mom like all of your other problems. She’s down there dealing with the worst people you can imagine because you won’t take responsibility for your mistakes!"

"Good" laughed God. "I hope she likes it. I think I’m going to think of something worse to send her this time. Let’s see…she has plenty of cereal killers, the president of WALMART™, Hitler, Charles Manson, Pol Pot and Barney…maybe I’ll start sending her people who are clinically depressed and apathetic!" God laughed. "Yea that’s it! That’s perfect!" he exclaimed.

Torn between his mother and his father Jesus never knew whose side to take. Not knowing what to do but not wanting to fight with his father anymore , Jesus ran out of the master bedroom crying. He ran downstairs into his bedroom and buried his face in his pillow. There, on his bed, Jesus would sob for hours while he pretended to shout insults at his father. Sometimes he would cry until his good friend Karl Marx came and talked to him. Marx’s clear mind and good intentions always seemed to be soothing to Jesus. After all he was the only real friend that Jesus had. He was the only one who understood Jesus’ love for humanity and he was the only one who had been persecuted for trying to save mankind in the same way that Jesus had. Both of them had been misquoted and taken out of context.






If Hue and Vince would have known about the second part of the story they would have been able to understand why the world was such a mess. The world was all screwed up because God had plunged into alcoholism and was trying to take revenge on his ex-wife. Of course to Vince nothing made sense. All he knew was that everything was terrible and he just felt depressed. Of course this is because Vince really loved humanity. That was why he felt so bad about things. He wanted to help people. He wanted change. He wanted to make a difference. Not that Hue cared much at all. Hue could have cared less if the whole thing was engulfed in flames. Actually it would probably be much better if it was. This of course was not an option according to Satan.

Satan had only visited Earth twice. The first time she visited Earth Satan had come with the intention of tricking Adam and Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. "This would surely piss God off" she thought. The second time she visited the planet Earth she realized what a mistake the whole thing had been.

It was the year 4232 and Satan had returned for the apocalypse. According to the plan she was going to engulf the entire Earth in flames and make mankind pay for his sins. Upon her arrival in New York Satan began by making buildings explode, causing terror and widespread panic in the streets. It was raining fire and Satan’s nefarious laugh could be heard all throughout the city. In her alien form Satan had reptilian skin and a long tail. Her eyes glowed iridescently with the reflection of flames and destruction. This was one bitch you did not want to mess with. But then…suddenly she stopped.

Satan took notice of the world she was destroying. It was hideous, far worse than Hell. Everything was made of concrete, it had been cold and blustery just before she arrived and she assumed that was how it usually was. Looking across the street Satan saw a man dying of hunger. Right next to the man dying of hunger Satan saw a guy with a ski mask trying to mug an elderly lady. He was holding a knife up to her throat and was trying to take her purse. Satan decided this was far too strange and decided to approach the mugger.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked.

"I’m robbing this bitch!" he screamed.

"What?" asked Satan in disbelief.

"I said I’m robbing this bitch!" screamed the mugger in agitation.

"But…this is the apocalypse" said Satan incredulously. "I’m going to destroy the world. Didn’t you notice that it was raining fire?"

The mugger stopped what he was doing and looked up at the sky. Now that she mentioned it he was feeling a bit warm. The sky was black. The mugger looked around. Buildings were on fire, people were screaming, cars were overturned, and people were dying.

"What’s new" said the mugger.

"But…" contested Satan.

"Look bitch" said the mugger. "I’m trying to make a fucking living here. Get the fuck out of my way or I’ll slit your fucking throat."

Taking a few steps back Satan was astonished. She was going to have to figure this one out before she did anything else. She walked around the city and was surprised to find that her presence didn’t seem to scare anyone. Actually many of the cyber punks looked more hideous than she did. As Satan was standing on the sidewalk, watching an old couple fight, she saw a black pickup truck passing by. It was full of teenagers wearing sports caps with Native American logos and t-shirts with the names of colleges printed across them. As the truck rolled past Satan, one of the teenagers stuck a paintball gun out the window and commenced to fire.

"You dirty fucking hippie" screamed the teenagers as the truck squealed around the corner and out of sight. Satan looked down at her legs. She was covered with blue paint and left with welts on her face. Before she could recover a business man toting a fine leather brief case by SkinEMs™ bumped into her, knocking her to the ground.

"Watch where you’re going dirtball" grumbled the guy as he rushed past her. Satan stood up and brushed herself off. She was going to have to figure this one out.

Instead of commencing the apocalypse Satan decided to travel the world. She wanted to see everything so that she could better understand the situation. Ten years later, having studied human history, having followed current events, and having traveled the world Satan decided that life on Earth was a far better punishment than anything she could come up with. Up until this point Satan had followed a strict anti-reincarnation policy. No one left the fiery pits of Hell for any reason what so ever. When she said eternity she meant it. Of course that would have to change. After learning about the Native American experience Satan had seen enough and she left for the warm comforts of home. She had spent far too much time in this hell-hole. Besides she had lots of work to do. She needed to start sending people back.

After they finished eating at the restaurant Hue and Vince went straight home. Vince was going to be staying for a few days, but Hue had to work the next day. He was tired and was looking forward to turning himself off for the night. Both of them went right to sleep upon arriving at Hue’s apartment, neither one of them knew what was in store for them the next day. Neither one of their lives would ever be the same again.






The next day started out just like any other. Having hit the snooze button on his alarm only five times that morning, Hue rose out of bed early. He was only half an hour late for work so he had time to get ready. Just like he always did Hue started a pot of Happy Harvest Coffee™ and flipped on his computer. Channel 9 news was doing a report on the Mars 2 space station.

"And on a more tragic note an explosion has been reported to have decimated the Mars 2 space station early this morning. Reporting to us live on location via RapiNet™, yes RapiNet™ the fastest Internet service provider is our very own Terry Whitman. Terry what can you say about this tragic occurrence ."

The picture switched to a shot of Terry Whitman reporting live on location. He was standing in front of the image of the Mars 2 space station frozen in explosion. Though it was obvious that Terry was standing in front of a blue screen Hue didn’t seem to take notice, or maybe he just didn’t care.

"Well first of all Bob I think it’s important to note that every negative has a positive. Though it may be sad, or in other words ‘tragic’ that the space station has exploded, I think it’s important to recognize the fact that many sick people have been put out of their misery"

"Terry, do you have any idea as to what may have caused this explosion?"

"Well Bob, the DETECTIVES™ on the scene all agree that the explosion was an unexplainable fluke. It was probably caused by an equipment failure."

"Well there you have it folks! There’s a bright side to every story. We can be glad the people on the Mars 2 space station wont be suffering anymore."

"It would seem the glass is half full after all"

"That’s right, ha, ha, ha."

"Ha, ha, ha."

"…And in today’s sports the New World Indians…"

Hue walked away from the computer and poured himself a cup of coffee. "So much for the revolution" he said to himself and he got ready for work.

Hue arrived at the MaxiTouch™ commercial photography corporation only an hour late. "Good to see you here on time" said Hue’s boss as Hue walked into his work area and started peeling potatoes. For some reason the food stylist in the planning and testing division wanted to see what he could do with potatoes . He wasn’t quite sure what kind of an aesthetic arrangement he was going to be testing but just knew that he wanted lots of potatoes. Hue had only been peeling potatoes for an hour when he heard a loud mechanical buzz. It was Andrew the dishbot.

"Hi Hue! How are you doing today?" squawked Andrew.

"I’m here" said Hue. He was kind of agitated by Andrews mechanical buzzing. The fact that Andrew was happy and chipper didn’t help either.

"Hey…Hue…I just wanted to tell you that the conversation we had the other day was great" piped Andrew.

"What?" asked Hue blankly.

"I mean it’s nice to be able to relate to someone" said Andrew.

Hue didn’t know what to say. Had he been talking to Andrew the dishbot? He could vaguely remember talking to him about politics but they surely didn’t connect on that issue. And then he remembered. Sometime during the conversation about politics he had turned himself off! It must have been the conversation they had while he was off that Andrew was referring to. "A damn shame I can’t remember a word of it" thought Hue silently as he turned to Andrew and smiled. "Yea" said Hue. "It’s really great isn’t it?" Hue lied and immediately turned himself off. He was starting to get really good at this, so good in fact, he might even make a few friends. Little did Hue know that this would be the last day he worked at the MaxiTouch™ commercial photography company. Little would he have cared either. Hue was in his favorite state of being. He didn’t feel anything for anyone and he cared about nothing.






Up in Heaven, centuries after he had confronted his father, Jesus was still in his bedroom crying. "He doesn’t even care!" Jesus screamed. Everything seemed to be going wrong for him. His Dad was an alcoholic who was bent on making life on Earth terrible in an effort to seek revenge on his mother Satan. His mother Satan wouldn’t even light the God forsaken planet on fire, and he had failed in his attempt to save mankind. He had blown his head off. "Everything is all messed up and nobody cares!" Jesus let out huge sobs as he tried to talk. His voice was too shaky and his words too obscured by his sobbing to be understood.

Just then the somber and understanding face of Karl Marx came into view. At first Jesus didn’t know who he was. His vision was blurred by his tears but as he wiped them away the round figure of Karl Marx materialized in the doorway. Marx had become calm and gentle since he had been staying in Heaven. He was a good hearted soul. As Marx started to talk his big gray beard moved up and down in a way that was always soothing to Jesus. This was because Marx reminded him of Santa Claus.

"Hello there little Jesus" said Marx delicately.

"Uncle Marx! Uncle Marx!" shouted Jesus.

"I’m not your uncle" stated Marx calmly.

"Oh I know" said Jesus enthusiastically. He felt happy just at the sight of him. "But I wish you were!" hooted Jesus. "Can I sit on your lap? Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Can I?"

The expression that grew across Marx’s face was the very same expression he had worn when he had seen a group of Christians standing outside his house with a giant wooden cross. But knowing it was the right thing to do and not wanting to hurt Jesus anymore, Marx consented. "Sure you can…come on little Jesus" Marx said softly as he sat down on the side of the bed and patted his thighs with his hands. Jesus hurled himself on to Marx and clung to him like a little monkey.

"Tell me a story! Tell me a story!" shouted Jesus.

Marx tried to hide his agitation. He was so glad he wasn’t wearing red. It would have been so much worse if he was wearing red. "Look…Jesus…I didn’t come here to tell you a story" said Marx as calmly as possible. "I think you know why I’m here."

Jesus looked away sharply as his joy gave way to sadness. He couldn’t lie to Marx. "Do you know about…"

"Yes" said Marx.

"Ugh…I was just…"

"It’s O.K." said Marx. "Earth is a terrible place."

There was a brief silence, then Marx continued. He knew he had to lie in order to bring Jesus out of this one. Well…he either had to lie or he had to put on the Santa Claus suit. "Look…Jesus…everything’s going to work out. You’re a bright kid and I have faith in you. If you want to save the world I think you can do it."
"Really?" said Jesus with a hint of glee in his voice.

Marx thought about the last time he had worn the Santa Claus suit. Jesus had pulled on his beard almost fifty times to see if it was real. "Yes…really" said Marx.

Jesus began to smile. Karl was such a good friend. "Will you help me Uncle Karl?"

A look of pain crossed Marx’s face. He had tried to save humanity twice and had failed miserably. The only reason he had told Jesus that he believed in him was because he didn’t think Jesus would try again. After all Jesus had tried just as hard as he had but Jesus had gotten burned worse on the whole deal. Marx figured if he were to profess his faith in Jesus, Jesus would cheer up a bit but he didn’t think Jesus would actually consider going back again. Hell even Satan had only been there twice and that was enough for her.

"Ugh…look…Jesus…ugh…"

"Will you help me?" asked Jesus with a big smile on his face.

Marx just didn’t have the heart to tell him. The poor kid had been through so much with his father and all. On the other hand there was no way he was going back to that God forsaken planet. At this point Marx wished he had just put on the damn Santa Claus suit. "Look…Jesus…

I think you need to do the ground work first. I mean…the world isn’t ready to accept my philosophy yet. If you could take care of some of the more pressing problems like all of the senseless killings and…well then I’d come down and help with the rest…but I mean…you know I’m not cut out for the whole…"

"No problem!" shouted Jesus in glee. "I’ll do it Uncle Marx. I’ll get on it right away and after I get things rolling you’ll come. Right?"

"Well yea. If you can get some of the ground work done, I’d be willing to help with the meaningful labor" said Marx with an awkward smile.

Jesus was elated as he got up to leave. "I’ll do it right now!" he screamed as he went for the door.
"Jesus wait!" Marx yelled.

Jesus stood in the doorway looking at Marx dumbfounded. "What?" he asked.

Tears welled up in Marx’s eyes as he looked down at his wrists. "Be careful" he said. "Watch out for those Christians" he said as he pawed at his left wrist. He could still remember the pain from having been crucified.

"Don’t worry…I will!" shouted Jesus as he ran from his bedroom. "Don’t you worry Uncle Marx! I will."






The sleek silver spaceship streaked across the starlight sky at a speed faster than light. As the blur of stars striped past the view-screen Jesus sang to himself loud and ungracefully. He was slightly out of tune. "This little light of mine! I’m gonna let it shine! This little light of mine! I’m gonna let it shine!"

Jesus was off to save the world and he was feeling great. It had been a long time since he had been this happy. For once he felt purposeful. Marx’s pep talk had really helped. If Marx had faith in him there was nothing that could stop him. Even if he didn’t do it for himself he had to do it for Marx! This time Jesus was determined not to fail!

Jesus had been traveling in the cramped confines of the spaceship for roughly three years. It was a long flight from Heaven to Earth even at divine speeds and Jesus was getting anxious to arrive. "Computer" said Jesus.

Immediately after he uttered the word "computer" Jesus could hear a quick series of electronic gurgles that signified that the computer was at his command. "Are we there yet?" asked Jesus in a whiny voice.

"I told you! We’ll get there when we get there!" snapped the computer. It had heard this question too many times during the course of the three year journey and was getting tired of Jesus’ incessant complaining.

"But I have to go to the bathroom" complained Jesus.

"Then go!" retorted the computer. "There is a bathroom on the ship you know!"

"But I don’t like it" whined Jesus.

The computer cut out. It wasn’t going to listen to anymore of this crap. It wished it was still parked in the palace garage up in Heaven. Jesus had always thought it absurd to have a garage but God had insisted. When God had built the silver spaceship in the form of a ship made by Micronetics™ that he had seen on TV, Jesus became outraged. He never thought it would be useful and it was actually quite shocking that Jesus was using it to get to Earth. Though Jesus had used the spaceship once before, he detested it and he wouldn’t have been using it if he didn’t have to but Jesus didn’t have any other options. When he tried to travel to Earth by way of Immaculate Conception, like he always had before, he ran into some unexpected problems.

There were no virgins old enough to bring Jesus into the world, and since Immaculate Conception only worked with virgins, Jesus was forced to find another alternative. Jesus was forced to steal his father’s spaceship. Of course Jesus preferred the term "borrow". He had every intention of returning the ship to his father when he was done with it and besides it wasn’t like God needed it for anything. God was too busy watching TV and getting drunk to notice it was missing.

Of course Jesus would have asked for his father’s permission to use it if he thought his father would say yes but Jesus knew that he wouldn’t. The last thing that God wanted was for Jesus to save the world. If Jesus were to save the world then there would be less people going to Hell and God clearly didn’t want that.

As Jesus cruised along in the "borrowed" spacecraft he couldn’t help but notice how good it felt to be rebelling against his father. Ever since God had started drinking, Jesus had been acting more rebellious. It was God’s drinking that had driven him to talk back and disobey. Hell it was the lack of attention that had caused him to grow his hair long in the first place.

As Jesus maneuvered the ship to fall in behind a comet he knew he was getting close. Jesus had timed his arrival to coincide with the comet Hale Bob. The reason of course, was that he had to evade the sensors controlled by the ENFORCERS™ and he figured he would go undetected if he was surfing behind the comet Hale Bob. Once he was in orbit he would be lost amongst the other ships and would have nothing to fear. It was the approach that was delicate. Of course if the ENFORCERS™ found him it was probable that Jesus wouldn’t have any problems. He was riding in a duplicate of a Micronetics™ space cruiser but he didn’t have any identification. Jesus knew it would be difficult to persuade the ENFORCERS™ that he was in fact Jesus of Nazareth if he didn’t have any identification so he elected to evade their sensors and enter orbit covertly.

Comet surfing was a difficult thing to do and Jesus was glad that he had done it once before. Of course he tried not to think about it as he approached the Earth. The last time Jesus had been comet surfing he had a terrible experience and he didn’t want to think about it. It had been another grand failure for Jesus and he didn’t want it to get him down at this crucial point in the journey.

The last time that Jesus had been comet surfing had been in the twentieth century and the circumstances had been almost identical. The last time, like this time, Jesus had been riding the tail of the comet Hale Bob and had been approaching the planet Earth. Of course the main difference was the mission. The last time Jesus had been comet surfing he had made a promise to pick up a number of souls over the state of California. The souls had been members of the Heaven’s Gate cult that wanted to catch an early ride to Heaven and Jesus being well intentioned had offered them a lift. Unfortunately Jesus had been surfing too close to the comet. As the souls rose up to meet the ship they were burned up by the incredible heat of the comet. As Jesus had watched them burn up on the view-screen, he had heard his father laughing at him and he assumed that they had been sent to Hell.

As Jesus entered the Earth’s orbit he eased off the tail of the comet a bit. He could still hear the screaming of the souls in his mind as they were burning in the hell fire of the comet. Entering into a perfect orbit Jesus checked his sensors to see if he had been detected but didn’t notice anything unusual. He had finally arrived and was excited to get to work on saving the world.

"Captain’s log star date 3-7-8-9-2 I’ve just entered orbit around the planet Earth and am sending a landing party to the surface in an effort to make contact." Jesus chuckled to himself as he ran to the transporter.
Jesus loved Star Trek. Even though he was ashamed of his father for watching TV all of the time, Jesus had been sneaking off to watch Star Trek ever since he was a mere child. He idolized Captain John Luke Picard as a "futuristic John Wayne" and liked to think of himself as the Captain of a powerful starship. Jesus likened his struggle to save the world to that of John Luke Picard’s struggle to search out new life forms and to boldly go where no man has gone before. Jesus had even gone as far as to name his ship "The Starship Enterprise" in honor of John Luke Picard.

Standing on the Micronetics™ matter transport system Jesus gave the computer the command. "Computer" he said in a powerful and confident voice. "Two to beam down" he said.

Of course Jesus was alone but the computer knew what he meant. The computer knew that Jesus was just fantasizing about Star Trek again. He had been doing it the whole trip. As Jesus smiled from ear to ear the computer engaged the Micronetics™ matter transport system. The computer was glad to get him off the ship. Now finally it would have some peace.

It would now be only moments before Jesus would be on Earth again. Though he felt a little nervous Jesus remained optimistic. He was convinced he was going to make a difference. And this time things would be different. This time Jesus was going to have some help. He was going to enlist the help of the only person he knew of who loved humanity as much as he did. He was beaming down to Earth with a mission. Jesus was going to talk to the only person he knew of who cared about humanity as much as he did.






Vince Bailey was slumped on the floor trying to slash at his wrist with a dull kitchen knife when Hue got home from work that day. "Life is rotting me out from the inside" screamed Vince as Hue snatched the knife away from him.

"What the hell are you trying to do?" asked Hue dejectedly.

"Cook" said Vince in shame.

Vince had started out the day in a relatively good mood and had decided to go to the supermarket to buy some food for dinner. He wanted to cook for Hue because he knew that Hue wouldn’t have the energy to do so when he got home and was in the process of making a wonderful stew when he realized that the vegetables he had bought were the product of underpaid migrant workers. Knowing full well that many migrant workers worked in appalling and dreadful conditions, Vince became severely depressed and had decided to kill himself before he could finish the stew.

Of course Vince didn’t have much success in killing himself, due to the fact that the knife he was using was too dull. In his severe depression Vince had set down the chef’s knife he was using to cut the vegetables. When he had decided to kill himself, he had accidentally picked up a butter knife and had been hacking at his wrist futilely ever since. He was just too depressed to notice.

"Mmmm…stew" said Hue as he set the butter knife down and picked up a bowl.

"It’s not done yet" said Vince despairingly.

"I don’t care" said Hue apathetically as he served himself anyway.

Just then the two brothers heard the incessant electronic zapping of the doorbell. Who ever was at the door was hitting the doorbell in an effort to play a short little tune. It was a lame cliché of a tune that humans had been ringing on doorbells ever since it had been written. "Zap, zap, zap, zap, zap…zap, zap."

"Get the door" said Hue as he sat down to eat his undercooked stew.

Vince slowly dragged himself up from the floor and walked towards the door. Before he could get there, however, the person on the other side of the door started ringing the doorbell again. "Zap, zap, ZZZZAAAAPPP!". Whoever it was had gotten impatient and had decided to hold his or her finger on the doorbell until someone answered.

Vince swung the door open. Though most people would have been angry by this point, Vince was just too depressed to care. "I can’t even cook a decent dinner" thought Vince as he opened the door. "Yea what do you want?" asked Vince sadly.

"I came here to talk to you" said the man standing at the door.

"What?" said Vince without conviction.

"Vince…Vince Bailey" said the man.

"Yea that’s me" said Vince. "Who the hell are you?"

"I am Jesus of Nazareth" said the man at the door.

Vince looked at him. He did look like Jesus. He was Caucasian, he had long brown hair, and he was wearing a white robe. The only thing that was out of place was the Star Trek com badge he was wearing. It was a shiny piece of gold medal in the shape of an upside down V that was pinned to his chest. "Star Trek" was printed across the bottom of it. Vince didn’t say anything. As strange as the whole thing was it didn’t take effect right away. Vince was too ashamed of dinner to realize how odd the man standing in front of him really was.

"Who is it?" asked Hue blankly. He was curious who would visit him being as his only real friend was Andrew the dishbot.

Vince suddenly realized how absurd the situation was. "It’s fucking Jesus of Nazareth" said Vince sarcastically. "He says he’s come here to chat with us."

"Oh" said Hue. He really didn’t care.

"What should I tell him?" asked Vince.

Hue didn’t answer. He was watching bowling on his computer.

"Well should I let him in?" asked Vince sarcastically.

"I don’t care" said Hue without emotion.

Of course Jesus took this as an invitation to enter and did so. "My brothers" he said. "I am here to inform you of my grand mission and to ask for your help." Jesus paused for a second. He hoped that he was saying the right thing. And then he continued. "I am on a mission to boldly go where no man has gone before…and to save the world" he said. By the looks on the faces of the two brothers Jesus realized that he wasn’t getting his point across. They were staring at him blankly and didn’t know what to say. Then he realized…they might not believe him. "Oh…you probably want to see some proof" said Jesus.

"Ugh…well…"

"It’s ok my brothers. I have come prepared to perform a miracle."

Hue and Vince immediately looked each other in the eye. They did not like the sound of this at all but before they could protest Jesus had grappled Hue’s head with both of his hands and was pressing his forehead against it. "My mind to your mind" said Jesus while gritting his teeth. "You will feel what I feel…you will think as I do."

Jesus had put Hue in the Vulcan mind meld linking the two together. Everything that Jesus knew, felt, and thought was being transmitted to Hue’s mind. "AAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!" screamed Hue in agony. The truth was too much for him to handle. As Jesus let go of his head Hue’s body dropped limply to the floor.
Jesus turned to Vince and grinned.

Backing away Vince tried to speak but couldn’t. "Ugh…bu..ugh."

"Oh don’t worry" said Jesus brightly. "He’ll be up in a minute." Jesus quickly ran over to Hue and started to shake him gently. "Rise and shine pumpkin…it’s time to get up."

Vince noticed his brother roll over and groan as he looked on in terror. At least he wasn’t dead. Vince didn’t know what to do. Part of him wanted to run for the door but he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave his brother lying there. As Jesus stepped aside Vince rushed to his brother and tried to help him up. As he pulled on his brother’s arm he saw that he was regaining his strength. As a matter of fact he was regaining his strength rather quickly.

As Hue struggled to his feet he noticed that something was different. For a second Hue just stood there. He didn’t say anything. He could feel something growing inside him. Like water dispersing through a sponge Hue felt something dispersing through his entire body. It was thick and heavy. Like black cancer it consumed him. Fiercely Hue’s eyes flashed around the room until they found the figure of Jesus standing just six feet over. Hue had been engulfed by rage.

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE IS A GOD!" screamed Hue in anger. He had never believed in God before. "THERE IS A FUCKING GOD, HE’S OMNIPOTENT, AND HE JUST LETS US SUFFER LIKE THIS!"

"Well he doesn’t mean to" said Jesus. "He has a bit of a drinking problem…and he’s only fifty percent omnipotent. Mother took half of his powers in the divorce."

Hue’s apathy had stepped out of his body, grown wings, and flown away. It knew it was no match for Hue’s new found rage. As Vince looked on in horror he didn’t know what to do. Five minutes later Vince found himself futilely trying to pull his brother Hue off of Jesus who had taken quite a beating by this time.

"You little fucking prick" screamed Hue as he unleashed yet another round of vicious attacks upon Jesus who was curled up on the floor in the fetal position. "I want my fucking apathy back!" But it was too late. Hue’s apathy was gone forever and there was nothing that Jesus could do.

Eventually Hue grew tired of beating on Jesus, so he ran to his room and slammed the door. The sounds of Hue punching the wall and breaking glass emulated from the room for awhile and then died down. Not going to sleep Hue sat by his window for the rest of the night. Boiling in rage he stared at the sky hopelessly waiting for his apathy to return. As the red and yellow moonlight shined through his window Hue seethed with animosity. If the moon as a McDonalds™ sign had agitated him before it was pushing him over the edge at this point.

"Well I didn’t think he’d take it like that" said Jesus as Vince put an ice pack up against his eye. Vince had become an immediate believer. If Jesus could make his brother Hue feel anything, even rage, then he must be the Son of God.

"You said you came here to talk to me about something?"

While Vince attended to Jesus’ wounds Jesus explained to him his plan to save the world. "Well…I don’t exactly have a plan so to speak" said Jesus. "But I’m sure we’ll make out just dandy".

"Well what do you want with me?" asked Vince.

"What do you mean?" said Jesus incredulously . "You care more about humanity than anyone…that’s why you’re always depressed."

"I can’t even make dinner" cried Vince. "I’m worthless!"

"Come on now" said Jesus softly. "You are my lamb and I am your shepherd."

"What?" said Vince sharply.

"You are my lamb and I am your shepherd."

Vince looked at Jesus in disbelief. He didn’t say anything.






The next morning arrived quickly. Jesus, who had slept on the floor, was the first one up. As he rummaged through the food storage unit looking for some cereal he accidentally knocked over Hue’s Happy Harvest Coffee™. He looked around as to make sure that no one had seen him and then quickly dropped to the floor and began shoving the coffee back into the can. When he had gotten most of it back into the can he looked up to see Vince standing above him.

"What are you doing?" asked Vince quietly not wanting to disturb Hue. Neither of them wanted to disturb Hue.

"Oh…I was just looking for some cereal."

"It’s right here" said Vince as he pulled the cereal down from the food storage unit.

"Ugh…thanks" said Jesus awkwardly.

At this point Hue came out of his room and walked into the kitchen. As he entered the kitchen he walked right past Jesus, ignoring him completely and making it clear he didn’t want to talk to anybody. Since Hue had stared out his window until the crack of dawn he hadn’t slept at all. To say that Hue was experiencing "morning anger" would be putting it lightly. Hue was down right teeming with hatred. As he rummaged for the coffee he realized that it wasn’t in it’s correct spot.

"WHERE THE HELL IS THE COFFEE!" barked Hue. His anger had started building up the second he had entered the room and he had been waiting for the first moment to express his displease. He hoped that they had noticed the way that he ignored Jesus when he had entered the room but since neither one of them had said anything he wasn’t sure if they had. This made Hue even angrier.

"It’s right here" exclaimed Jesus brightly. As he handed the coffee to Hue Jesus and Vince looked at each other, both of them sharing a smile.

After Jesus had handed Hue the coffee a complex set of social rules and norms made it quite clear that no body should talk. As the three of them sat down at the table an incredibly awkward silence filled the room. No one said a word.

As Jesus ate his cereal the roof of his mouth was making a smacking noise. "Sulurrullurrrppp…smack, smack, smack, smack." Finally Jesus couldn’t bear the silence anymore. As he spoke he accidentally goobered some milk onto his chin. "Ya know…" said Jesus while he was still smacking his lips. "This kind of reminds me of the Last Supper."

Hue and Vince looked on in horror. They couldn’t believe that the Son of God didn’t notice the giant blob of milk hanging off his chin. As Jesus waited for a response a bead of milk dropped to the table.

Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists Hue decided to tell him. "You have something on your chin."

"Oh why thank you" said Jesus as he wiped the milk from his chin with the sleeve of his robe. "What do you guys want to do?"

Hue was quick to reply. "THE GOD DAMN FATE OF THE WORLD RESTS IN YOUR HANDS!"

"Our hands" said Jesus with a smile. He was very optimistic.

"Great" sighed Hue sarcastically.

"I heard there was a protest today" said Vince in an effort to ease the tension.

"A PROTEST!" yelled Hue. "YOU WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD BY GOING TO A PROTEST!"

Vince looked down at the table in disgrace. "Well…I don’t…"

"Marvelous!" hooted Jesus in glee. "I’ve always wanted to go to a protest! What’s it about?"






As the three of them walked purposefully down the city street Hue led the way by about twenty steps. He couldn’t believe they were going to a protest and he was so viscously angry that he could hardly see straight, though no one would ever have known by the way he was walking. With his head angled slightly downward Hue’s eyes seemed t0 be locked straight ahead. Walking briskly he would knock into anyone who got in his way, though no one did and this of course made Hue very angry as he wanted to knock someone down. Every five minutes or so Hue would have to stop and wait for Jesus and Vince to catch up.

"Wait, wait!" shouted Jesus making Hue stop dead in his tracks. "Can we take a break? I’m getting tired and my feet hurt."

"No!" snarled Hue as he pointed at a conglomerate of people. "We’re almost there!"

As the three of them walked into the mass of protesters they could read the many signs that people were holding above their heads. Most of the signs were painted in bold black letters and read:

Perhaps one of the most heartbreaking stories in the history of the company was the wrongful and unjust imprisonment of the Native American activist Leonard Peltier. Peltier had been framed by the FBI™ in 1977 for the deaths of two FBI™ agents on the Pine Ridge Indian reservation. Despite the fact that it had been proven that the gun Peltier had wasn’t the same gun used in the shooting, Peltier was sent to prison. As time went on it became obvious that the FBI™ had fabricated evidence. This, of course, was publicly known and acknowledged by the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ who had learned about it from FBI™ documents that had been declassified by the government of the U.S.A. INC™. Of course the fact that the prosecuting attorney , who fought against Peltier, had said there was no credible evidence against Peltier didn’t help either. Despite all the evidence that Peltier had been wrongfully imprisoned the majority of the consumers remained apathetic .

As Peltier lived out most of his "natural life" in prison things took a wicked turn for the man. In his old age Peltier didn’t have a lot of strength left and was looking forward to joining the Great Spirit in the afterlife. One day Peltier was approached by government officials who said they had come up with a plan that they both could benefit from. Wanting to live out the rest of his "natural life" away from prison Peltier agreed to listen and was shocked to hear the proposal.

The government officials told Peltier that one of their scientists had come up with a new drug that needed to be tested. All that Peltier had to do was take the drug and they would let him go after a few tests. Of course Peltier was concerned that the drug might be harmful but was promised that it was not. "It’s just a new antibiotic" they said. "There’s no way it can harm you."

This, of course, was a lie. The drug that the government officials wanted to test was the first of many drugs branded as "immortality drugs". Invented in the early twenty first century this "immortality drug" had never been tested on a human because all of the rats that had taken the drug had gotten very sick. Although they did stay alive, the rats started to decay at a rapid rate. They would lose body parts that would then grow back as cancerous-like growths. Although they became grotesque and deformed, the rats continued to live, but since the scientists couldn’t communicate with the rats they didn’t know what the quality of life really was. What if life as a grotesquely deformed monster wasn’t so bad? Of course the answer to the question was obvious: $$$. If consumers thought that life as a deformed freak wasn’t so bad the government would be able to sell the immortality drugs at a tremendous profit. They had to be sure.

After Peltier took the drugs he dropped to the floor and began to wither in pain. Two days later his hair started to fall out and three of his fingers broke off. Though his condition continued to worsen, his mind did not deteriorate. Peltier, though in pain, never lost consciousness nor retention of who he was and why he was in prison. Although his quality of life could be best described as near death, Peltier was now immortal.

Of course the government of the U.S.A. INC™ refused to let him out of prison. The government officials who had promised Peltier his freedom said "We’ve been lying to your people for hundreds of years. When are you going to learn?" and negated him his freedom again.

By the year 4594 the Leonard Peltier Defense Committee had grown quite large and many people were outraged by his imprisonment. The last time he had been up for parole in the year 4382 Peltier was denied despite the fact that the presiding Parole Officer had made a recommendation for his release.

The presiding Parole Officer had caused quite a disturbance when he had said "There is no direct evidence that Peltier has committed any crime and his conduct in prison has been better than that of any other inmate since his arrival in 1977."

Despite the presiding Parole Officer’s recommendation for his release Peltier was denied yet again due to the fact that he hadn’t expressed remorse for killing the two FBI™ agents.

"But I didn’t do it!" protested Peltier as he was taken back to his cell for yet another term. He couldn’t believe this shit. Every century it was the same thing. A new generation would come to power and continue with the same crap. Every one-hundred years Peltier had to go to a parole hearing and every time he was denied because he hadn’t shown remorse for killing the two FBI™ agents.

"I’m really sorry Leonard" said the bailiff as his eyes welled up with tears and he locked Leonard Peltier in his cell again. "I wish there was something I could do to help you."

"Kill me!" said Peltier. "Please…kill me."

Of course the bailiff wasn’t going to do it. Peltier had been asking to die ever since he had started to decay in 2012. The only person that had tried to help him had been Dr. Kavorkian. It was interesting to note that Dr. Kavorkian was also still alive in the year 4594.

Dr. Kavorkian had gotten into Peltier’s cell and was trying to give him a lethal injection when the guards had found him. As Kavorkian struggled to hit Peltier’s vein with the syringe Peltier let out a cry of glee.

"Thank you Dr. Kavorkian" said Peltier as the guards pulled Kavorkian off of him. They beat Dr. Kavorkian before he could execute the euthanasia. Unfortunately Dr. Kovorkian was beaten into a coma by the guards. Though he would never regain consciousness Dr. Kavorkian had been kept alive by experimental life support machinery and was still alive in the year 4594.






As the three of them converged upon the protest Jesus became excited and enthusiastic. It was the first real protest he had ever been to and he wanted to do it right. Since he was the Son of God he figured he should make a good impression on people. Looking around the crowd Jesus clenched his fist and held it up in the air. "Anarchy!" he screamed. "Fuck the police!"

Immediately Vince was overcome with depression and he sat down on the curb. As he watched Jesus parade around like a fool chanting and screaming fanatically he began to have his doubts about Jesus being the Son of God. Vince didn’t think Jesus even knew who Leonard Peltier was.

Hue on the other hand was convinced that Jesus was the Son of God…or at least he had lived with God. Because of the Vulcan mind meld he had seen everything that Jesus had seen. Of course his faith in Jesus, on the other hand, would stammer from time to time. "Jesus Christ!" snapped Hue as Jesus was screaming at the crowd zealously about evolution. "Sit the hell down!"

With a hurt look in his eye Jesus joined Vince on the curb. If there was one thing that Jesus didn’t like, it was when people used his name in vane. Of course that was the reason Hue had done it. During the Vulcan mind meld Hue had noticed that part of Jesus’ mind was enveloped with a deep pain shrouded in darkness. Even though Jesus had tried to suppress that information Hue had managed to access that part of his mind before he terminated the Vulcan mind meld.

"Do you even know who Leonard Peltier is?" growled Hue.

"Well…not exactly…but…" stumbled Jesus as he hung his head in shame and tried to hide his tears. "You don’t need to be so mean to me" he sniveled.

"God damn it" muttered Hue as he walked away angrily. He knew he was going to have to do all of the work here. His brother was too depressed to do much at the time and Jesus…well Jesus was flat out worthless. Hue looked around viciously as he tried to understand the layout of the grounds. "Who the hell is in charge of this crap" he grumbled as he took notice of an elevated podium in front of the mass of people. "This is a god damn stupid way to try and save the world" Hue complained as he walked towards the podium.

Speaking at the podium was a young woman about twenty-four years old. Her long brown hair was braided finely and she wore thin glasses that made her look intellectual. "What a joke" wheezed Hue as he walked up to the podium and snatched the microphone away from her.

"Hey…you can’t…" complained the woman as Hue pushed her to the side.

Suddenly feeling angry Hue turned to her and hissed in a rash voice. As he did so his eyes began to glow red and his voice contorted "I CAN DO WHAT EVER I WANT!". As he turned away from her to face the crowed Hue tried to get his anger under control and his eyes returned to their normal color. The young woman was content with Hue’s reasoning and stepped back as Hue gave the most profound speech ever given about Leonard Peltier:

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" said Hue in a loud voice. As he stalled for a second he was not content with the reaction of the crowd. Although most of the people in the front of the crowd were listening, the people in the back were busy talking amongst themselves.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" boomed Hue in a voice that seemed to make the ground shake. "That’s better" said Hue as silence fell over everyone in the crowd and Hue continued.

"We are gathered here today on behalf of the unjustly imprisoned Leonard Peltier. As I look out into the crowd I can see that some of you have brought books and informational pamphlets that analyze Leonard Peltier’s situation…I would like to know why?" screamed Hue. "WHY?" he bellowed again. As Hue watched the crowd people were exchanging looks of confusion and murmuring. They didn’t know what to think of him. Hue continued:

"In the year 4594 we find ourselves in a world full of bureaucracy and red tape where a person needs to fill out ten sheets of paper work just to use a public restroom. Now we are gathered here to exchange information about a man who has been serving two life sentences since the year 1977. SINCE 1977 LADIES AND GENTELMEN! There is nothing to talk about!" screamed Hue.

"What do you mean there’s nothing to talk about!" shouted a group of men in the front row of the crowd. Hue flashed them a look that could have seared their skin as he continued:

"I’m going to keep it very simple!" screamed Hue. "Leonard Peltier…here we have a man who was extradited from CANADA™ on the testimony of an emotionally disturbed woman who had never even met him before. The FBI™, according to it’s own files and testimony, fabricated evidence!" Hue screamed as he paused to look at the faces of the crowd and then continued. "Why do we need to sit around and analyze THAT! I now offer you six words of wisdom" hollered Hue. "Six words that together form one single thought…one single idea…in the form of a question…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP?" screamed Hue in a voice that did make the ground shake.

Hue looked at the people in the crowed with disdain and then continued with a snarl. "The prosecuting attorney said there was not a shred of evidence against Leonard Peltier yet he remains in prison…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP?" boomed Hue.

"Now in the year 4594 every member of every congress in every foreign nation has voted unanimously that Leonard Peltier has been wrongfully imprisoned and that he should be set free…yet he remains in prison…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP? He is innocent! By the year 4594…people have seen hundreds of thousands of television shows that outline the exact manner in which he was railroaded by the FBI™. Sixty Minutes alone has produced over one-hundred documentaries on the subject…yet he remains in prison…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP? Ladies and Gentlemen it is obvious that our government is corrupt. It is obvious that our country is being controlled by multinational corporations and it is obvious that the people in power seek to keep us oppressed. IT IS HIGH TIME THAT WE STOP FUCKING AROUND! IT IS TIME THAT WE RISE UP TOGETHER AND JOIN VOICES TO ASK THE QUESTION…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP?"

As Hue stepped down from the podium there was a moment of silence…followed by seven minutes of the loudest applause ever. Though his message was simple, it seemed to strike a cord with the people…or maybe it was what happened right after the speech that got the people so motivated.

Before Hue could smile he noticed that he was being converged upon by ENFORCERS™. They were running at him from both sides and had their BillyBeater™ knight sticks drawn. "What the hell is this crap?" said Hue as they came upon him.

"You’re under arrest" said one of the ENFORCERS™ as they all took steps towards him at the same time. There were eight of them and they all wore cocky smiles as they walked towards him slapping their knight sticks in the palms of their hands. "This is gonna be fun" said one of them in glee.

Just the sight of the ENFORCERS™ made Hue sick with anger. The closer they came to him the more angry he got. By the time the ENFORCERS™ were six feet away from him, Hue was trembling with rage. Looking at them Hue began to hallucinate with anger. Blinded by flashing colors and blurring motion all Hue could see was the blue of their uniforms.

"Let’s just shoot this liberal terrorist" said one of the ENFORCERS™ as he pulled out a Micronetics™ blaster and looked at his superior officer.

"Fine be me" said the superior officer as he gave the command to shoot. "Ain’t like none of them are going to stop us" he said as he pointed at the crowd. Everyone in the crowd looked away. They were pretending not to see.

"YOU ARE NOTHING BUT SWINE!" bellowed Hue in a contorted voice as his eyes lit up with the red, effervescent glow of his rage. This time not only were his eyes glowing red, they were glowing red with the appearance of orange and yellow flames burning at the bottom. As the ENFORCERS™ began to fire Hue was enveloped by a red force-field…or rather a red projection of his anger and rage. Slowly Hue began to levitate off the ground. "YOU WILL PAY FOR MAKING ME THIS ANGRY!" screamed Hue in a voice that was clearly not his own. As he spoke his words actually seared the skin of the ENFORCERS™ with a rage fire that could have melted steel.

"I really didn’t think he’d take it so poorly" said Jesus as he shook his head. Vince just looked on in terror.

Two of the ENFORCERS™ were engulfed in flames instantly while the others stumbled backwards with second and third degree burns. As they blasted at Hue futilely with their laser guns Hue slowly Hovered closer to them. The remaining six ENFORCERS™ were sprawled out on the ground hopelessly. "I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!" screeched Hue. "YOU CAN NOT ARREST ME!" He was so pissed off his skin was actually boiling with rage.

"ya, ya, ya, ya, you can go" said one of the ENFORCERS™ who could actually muster enough strength to speak.

Hue dropped down from the air and landed on his feet. He looked at the ENFORCERS™ withering in pain on the ground. "Somebody get them to the damn hospital" said Hue as he walked over to Jesus and Vince. "This protest sucks! Get me the hell out of here."

With a smile Jesus hit his com badge. "Three to beam up" he said. And their bodies began to dematerialize.






As the Starship "Enterprise" floated through space the voice of Jesus rang through the cabin. The three adventurers had evaded the ENFORCERS™ and the PlanetaryGUARD™ by flying a direct course towards the sun. Since the "Enterprise" had been equipped with a divine force-field they had managed to fly at a proximity to the sun that normal ships wouldn’t have been able to handle. As they orbited the sun the ENFORCERS™ and the PlanetaryGUARD™ left them for dead and the adventurers had managed to seek refuge in an asteroid belt. Drifting along with debris Jesus sat at the controls and commanded the ship as Hue and Vince made repairs. "Status report number two…NUMBER TWO!"

Hue looked at Jesus with an agitated expression on his face. He wished Jesus would knock it off with the Star Trek crap. Hue didn’t even know what Star Trek was, being that the program didn’t exist in the year 4594. Unfortunately Hue didn’t know how to operate the ship and Jesus refused to do anything unless he was referred to as captain. "WE WILL BE FULLY OPERATIONAL WITHIN A MINUTE…CAPTAIN" said Hue in a parched voice.

"Make it thirty seconds number two…that’s an order."

Hue’s eyes flashed wildly as he finished the repairs. He had to try very hard to remain calm. He knew if he got too angry he would scorch his brother. Although he wouldn’t mind scorching Jesus, he knew that Jesus had good intentions and besides he was going to need him in the future. "Done Sir" said Hue as his eyes lit up a with a dim red glow.

"Good" said Jesus. "Ensign…lay in a course for Earth, warp eight…ENGAGE!"

"But Sir" said Vince despairingly. "You’re sitting at the controls." Sitting with Jesus in the cramped confines of the "Enterprise" for three weeks had plunged Vince into a wicked depression. If Vince had thought there wasn’t any hope for humanity before, he now saw the world as a cow in the supermarket. It was already dead.

"Just pretend!" contested Jesus with a voice that resembled that of a spoiled child. While Vince pretended to lay in a course for the planet Earth, Jesus began to navigate through the debris of the asteroid belt. Hue was watching Jesus intensely so as to memorize his every move.

"Oh so that’s how you start the ship" said Hue observantly.

As the ship left the protection of the asteroid belt, the three adventurers felt happy, or at least happy according to each individual's potential to feel the emotion. Vince was contemplating suicide. Hue was glowing with anger and Jesus was grinning from ear to ear.

Since the ENFORCERS™ and the PlanetaryGUARD™ had seen them "crash" into the sun the three adventurers felt relatively safe, however they didn’t want to draw any attention to themselves and were careful in their approach to the Earth. They had been hiding in the asteroid belt for nearly three weeks and didn’t know what to expect upon their arrival. As they approached the Earth they noticed that the PlanetaryGAURD™ was less strenuous at the check points and the three adventurers had no problems entering orbit. As Jesus navigated past the moon he purposely steered the ship in such a way as to prevent Hue from seeing it out the window. Jesus knew that he would be running the risk of melting the ship if he were to allow Hue to see the moon at a close range and hoped that he wasn’t thinking about it as they approached the Earth.






Hue, his brother Vince and Jesus materialized in the ally behind Hue’s apartment in the U.S.A. INC™. Hue made sure to pull the black hood of his hooded sweatshirt over his head so that no one would notice him. He had made quite a ruckus with his speech and was afraid that someone might be able to point him out. The ENFORCERS™ generally didn’t take it well when people lit them on fire and would surely come for revenge if someone were to finger him.

"We’re going to have to buy him some sunglasses" said Vince. He was watching Hue’s eyes glow effervescently.

"Ugh…yea…" said Jesus awkwardly.

The three of them converged upon Hue’s door without being noticed. The door was blocked off with the yellow tape of the ENFORCERS™. "God damn it" said Hue. As he walked through the tape it melted and dropped to the floor. Hue’s anger was intense.

Inside Hue’s apartment most everything had been left alone although Hue could tell the ENFORCERS™ had been rummaging through his stuff. At least the computer was still there. As the three of them entered the apartment Hue sat down in front of the computer while Vince went straight into the kitchen and picked up a big shiny chef’s knife.

"There’s no hope" cried Vince has he put the knife up to his wrist.

"Oh good" said Jesus. "You’re going to cook."

"No" said Vince quietly. "I’m going to kill myself."

With a look of horror on his face Jesus lunged at Vince to deposes him of the knife. "No" cried Jesus. "You can’t" he said as he pulled the knife out of Vince’s hands and watched him slump to the floor. "Vince…suicide is not the answer…"

"YOU SHOULD KNOW!" wailed Vince. "IF ANYONE WOULD KNOW IT WOULD BE YOU!"

With a hurt look in his eye Jesus hung his head in shame. "Ugh…just promise me you won’t…ugh…"

At this point Hue who had been listening to the conversation interrupted. "Hey Jesus come watch this…" he said. He was pointing at the computer and laughing.

"What?" asked Jesus as his eyes caught the image on the computer screen and a look of horror grew across his face.

It was an advertisement for the Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys. As Jesus watched in horror the two children in the commercial ran around with plastic action figures that looked exactly like him and an announcer spoke rapidly in a deep voice. "The Hang-sus action figure comes with it’s own cross, hammer and nails so that you can make him die for your sins again."

"THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!" screamed Jesus while Hue rolled on the couch chuckled. For this brief moment the red had drained out of Hue’s eyes and he was seeming to enjoy himself as he laughed at Jesus hysterically.

One of the children in the commercial screamed out with excitement while his friend pretended to make the plastic Hang-sus™ action figure stumble and groan. "THE ISRAELITES REALLY SPIT!" he shouted as he pushed a button on the back of his Israelite action figure. The camera zoomed in tight to show water shooting out of the Israelite action figure’s mouth.

Even Vince, who had followed Jesus into the living room, began to laugh when the announcer cut in with his deep voice. "And don’t forget the Second Coming Jesus doll. The Second Coming Jesus doll comes fully equipped with an audio chip and a shotgun so that you can hear Jesus preach his final sermon right before he blows his head off."

Jesus was left speechless. He was so angry that people would misuse his image to make money. Didn’t anyone understand? Besides it was insulting that they would poke fun at him like that. Those were some of the hardest times he had ever suffered through.

"It’s not funny!" wailed Jesus. His eyes welled up with tears and he began to cry. "How would you like to be nailed to a cross?"

Right when Jesus finished Vince made the mistake of looking at Hue. As soon as their eyes met the two were overwhelmed with the desire to laugh and as Hue tried to hold it back he began to snicker ever so slightly. Of course, when Vince heard the sound of air escaping through Hue’s lips the two plunged into a ten minute session of hysterical laughter.

"Ha, ha, ha" roared Hue.

"We better not tell him about the Impregnate Her Yourself Mary blow up doll" wailed Vince.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha…or the Third Coming Jesus action figure"

"The Third Coming Jesus action figure is a high tech futuristic cyborg" said Vince as he tried to muster up his best impersonation of a commercial announcer.

"This powerful half-holy man, half machine is passing judgement on all of mankind on Judgement Day. This time God sent down his only son fully equipped with the best in futuristic technology and a high powered laser gun" hollered Hue as he rolled off the couch laughing.

Jesus just couldn’t take it anymore. This was insanity! Trying to hide his tears Jesus ran out of the apartment sobbing. With a bang the door slammed behind him.

Saving the world was going to be difficult. As Jesus wandered down the streets at night he thought about the world and how messed up everything was. He was certain that the founder of the Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys was a corporate executive from his congregation the second time he had been back. This ate at Jesus as he stumbled blindly through the city. "Does not one person understand that the objectification of labor and the corporate exploitation of everything is causing suffering in the world!" blurted Jesus as he tried to wipe the tears from his eyes. The time had come to do something about it. As Jesus meandered past a hardware store he saw something that caught his eye. Quickly he dashed in.






"Give me three cans of Spray Bright™ spray paint" said Jesus to the store clerk as he strolled up to the counter. His eyes were still red and puffy from crying.

"Hey…you look familiar" said the store clerk. He was an older guy with short gray hair and a scruffy voice.

"I am Jesus of Nazareth" said Jesus with proud conviction.

"No…that’s not it…" said the store clerk. "I know!" he exclaimed. "You’re the guy on the beer can!"

"No…" said Jesus. "You must have me confused with someone else."

"No, no, no, I’m sure of it!" he exclaimed as he disappeared into the back room and returned with a can of beer. "Ha, ha, ha" laughed the store clerk. "You look exactly like him" he said as he held up the can of beer so that Jesus could see it.

Looking at the golden can Jesus saw a cartoon image that looked frighteningly similar to that of himself. On the can he was smiling wide and his teeth were showing. One of his teeth seemed to sparkle vibrantly. Under the cartoon drawing of Jesus the beer company’s slogan was printed in quotation marks. "Drink of my blood because it tastes good!"

"Just give me the fucking spray paint" snapped Jesus in agitation. This was too much for him to bear. They had gone as far as to use him as a beer advertisement! "WHAT NEXT…THE DESTROY JERUSELEM BOARD GAME™" thought Jesus to himself as the clerk scurried to bag the cans of spray paint.

"Sorry…" said the clerk. "Jesus Christ".

Jesus gave him a dirty look and walked away. He was going to get things done tonight. The Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys and the Blood of Christ™ beer had been enough to motivate him. He was starting to feel like Hue as he stormed out of the hardware store and dashed off into the twisted, concrete, cosmopolitan jungle.

Twenty minutes later Jesus found himself dangling off of a freeway bridge. He had already spray-painted an anarchy sign on the side of a building and "Fuck the ENFORCERS™" on a parked squad car when he realized that not enough people were going to see his message. As he hung from the bridge the rough concrete dug into his fingers and he began to paint.

"It’s beautiful!" cried Miranda as the ship took orbit around the vibrant glowing sphere. It looked like an immaculate globe of molting lava splashed with different shades of yellows and oranges.

"I didn’t expect Hell to look so pleasant" said Vince in awe. He was hoping that Hell would look appalling because he wanted to hate it. He wanted to hate Hell because he saw Satan as a source of the worlds problems and he wanted to blame her for the way things were. However as much as he tried even Vince had to admit that Hell was a beautiful place, at least from the sky it was. This was the first shock. When the four crusaders beamed down to the planet’s surface they would find that Hell was not what they had expected.

From the ground the sky above Hell looked as if it were on fire. Orange lights flickered and pulsed exquisitely creating one of the most extraordinary sights in the Universe. It was a breathtaking sight for the four crusaders as they materialized in front of a tall exotic tree.

The first thing they noticed, of course, was the tree. None of them had expected that Hell would provide an atmosphere hospitable to plant life. The second thing they noticed was the climate. Though it was true that Hell had one of the hotter climates in the Universe it wasn’t unbearable. The average temperature in Hell was about eighty degrees Fahrenheit. Though it was hot it was a dry heat. As the four crusaders looked about their new surroundings they felt quite comfortable. A light warm breeze blew across the sea from the west.

"They call it the Sea of Blood" said Jesus softly.

A look of horror grew across Miranda’s face. "Is it really blood?" she asked in a coarse voice.

"Oh no!" said Jesus. "They just call it that because of its’ color and temperature. It’s actually quite nice."

The Sea of Blood was a dark blood-red color and it remained at a constant temperature of seventy-nine degrees year round. Complementing the beautiful color of the water was an endless beach of dark purple sand. The beach was dotted with exotic plants and strange forms of cactus life giving it an eerie yet incredibly beautiful appearance. Hell was a desolate, surreal paradise!

Strolling slowly across the purple sands, under a sky of fire, the four crusaders set out to find the queen of this strange land. Jesus and Hue both knew she couldn’t be far. Being fifty percent omnipotent she already knew they were there and she would probably reveal herself at any moment. As the crusaders gawked at the landscape Hue Bailey picked up the pace. He wasn’t in the mood for any games and he was agitated that Satan hadn’t shown herself immediately.

As the crusaders strolled around a bend they were able to see a long stretch of fine beach dotted with a handful of figures moving back and forth across the sands. "Satan must be there" grumbled Hue angrily as he pushed forward purposefully to meet her.

As the adventurers grew nearer it became obvious which figure was Satan. Satan was stretched out on what appeared to be a beach chair. She was sipping a drink out of a crudely fashioned cup that looked much like a coconut shell as figures, that were obviously men, moved back and forth tending to her every wish. Two of them were fanning her with palm leaves as her maroon, reptile-like skin, basked in the glory of the fire splashed sky.

"Darling it’s so good to see you!" she exclaimed in a gaudy voice as she raised herself to meet her Son. "It’s been eons baby! Do you have a kiss for your mother!" she said as she began to shower her Jesus with hugs and kisses.

"Mom don’t!" demanded Jesus as he tried to hide his embarrassment. "Not in front of my friends" he said under his breath so that no one but his mother would hear him.

"Well!" exclaimed Satan loudly. "Excuse me for wanting a hug from my only son since I haven’t seen him for centuries!"

"Oh mom…"

"No, no, no. You don’t need to explain yourself. Just because you’d rather spend all of your time with an obese alcoholic bastard of a father that spends all of his time watching sports on the television rather than spend it with your mother who loves you doesn’t mean that you should have to explain yourself. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU FOR CENTURIES!" wailed Satan as she began sobbing incessantly.

"DO WE HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS NOW!" retorted Jesus loudly. "DO WE HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!"

"WELL WHEN ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT IT JESUS!"

"It’s not like you’ve always been there for me! Where were you for my past five-hundred birthdays?!"

"Well I…"

"You were out with that bastard from the Ferendil sector weren’t you?!"

"He’s not a bastard! He happens to be a very nice man! If you’d just give him a chance you might find you like him Jesus!"

"Oh that’s rich! Just because you were seeing him while you were married to Dad makes him a great guy hugh? Maybe if I gave him a chance I’d find he wasn’t a home wrecker too!" said Jesus sarcastically.

At this point Hue Bailey was steeping with fury. Standing in front of Jesus Christ and his mother Satan illustrated the truth in a blunt manner. It was as if Jesus had locked him in another Volcan mind meld. The truth about the world, the Universe, and man’s existential dilemma was just too aggravating. These selfish "omnipotent" beings couldn’t even get along with each other. They were so caught up in their own soap opera they couldn’t see what they were doing to the Universe. When God wrote in the Bible that he had created man in his own likeness he wasn’t joking. Just like man, the Gods had the power to make things better for everyone but failed due to a lack of logic, decency, compassion or caring. It was an unbelievable sight to see Jesus and his mother carry on in such a wretchedly human manner. Were they no more enlightened than that? As Hue beheld the sight his eyes reflected the beast from within. Hue’s deepest anger surged from his skin like smoke from an erupting volcano. He hadn’t come here to witness this!

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?" boomed Hue with a voice that made the ground tremor. He was floating three feet above the ground and his muscles had doubled in size as he tensely flexed. "YOU TWO SHUT UP AND LISTEN!"

Satan’s heart almost stopped beating as she turned to face Hue. She had been in such an emotional state of mind that she had hardly noticed his presence until now. Watching Hue hover above the ground with his eyes blazing of fierceness and his muscles tense with authority Satan was left breathless. Although she was agitated that Hue had interrupted her Satan realized she was in the presence of a powerful being and allowed him to continue.

"My name is Hue Bailey. I am a human from the planet Earth and I have come here to inform you that things on Earth are all messed up! In case you haven’t noticed people are suffering all over the world!"

"Of course I’ve noticed dear. That’s why there’s no need to keep anyone around here anymore" Satan replied.

Hue looked around. Hell was an extremely desolate place. The only people they had seen all day were the few souls tending to Satan when they had arrived. "It is precisely for that reason that I have come! I have come here to ask you to stop sending people back to live on Earth. Life there is just too miserable and it is getting worse as the population grows. People need to learn how to live together in small groups before they can be expected to live together in grand societies!"

"Stop sending them back! My dear you must be joking! Take a look around this place! Can’t you see? This place has become a paradise! Can you imagine how terrible it would be here if I let all of the sinners back? Why should I ruin what I’ve worked so hard to create? You know the only reason God sends me all of those forsaken souls is to punish me don’t you? Why should I tolerate that?"

Hue paused for a moment to think and then he replied. "You have the power to make things better for us. I mean…what else am I supposed to do? I can’t go to God for help now can I? He’s a raging alcoholic and he’s too addicted to the vices of mankind to be of any use. All he does is watch TV! At least you can think for yourself!"

At the mention of his father Jesus stared at the ground in shame.

With a long sigh Satan expressed genuine sympathy and paused for a moment before continuing. "I’m sorry…I really am but I can’t do anything about it. You say that I have the power to make things better for you. Right?"

"Yes" said Hue.

"Did you ever think that mankind might have the power to make things better for himself?"

"Well…" said Hue as he dropped to the ground. The red had drained out of his eyes. "It’s just…you’re supposed to be omnipotent."

"I’m only fifty percent omnipotent. Besides…I don’t have the time to go around fixing all of the problems that people create for themselves. God is the one with the power to restore order to the Universe…not me. He was awarded that in the intergalactic divorce court."

"Oh" said Hue gruffly. He didn’t know that only God had the power to restore order to the Universe. He thought that Satan shared in that ability. "But can’t you stop sending all of the sinners back to Earth. I mean, do you have to reincarnate all of them?"

"Come on Hue" said Satan with a soft motherly voice. "Just because you humans have ruined your planet doesn’t mean that I should ruin mine now does it?"

"But…"

"And besides, I don’t send all of the sinners back" said Satan as she looked over her shoulder at a dark skinned man carrying a tray of refreshments for the crusaders.

"Who is he?" asked Hue curiously.

"He’s a Hindu from India" she replied. "I’ve found the Hindus’ to be such kind hearted souls that I let them stay around. They’re so friendly!" she said. "And they’re not the only ones! There are a lot of Native American people here too!"

As Hue took a sip from the frosty drink that the Hindu handed him he was astonished. It was wonderful! "What do you call it?" he asked.

"Oh that’s my devil’s brew" said Satan with a smile.

Hue couldn’t believe the things he was seeing. Hell wasn’t anything like he had expected! It was nice in Hell. Sure it was hot but it was a dry heat. Everything was beautiful, there was no pollution, and there weren’t so many people. The people that did stay there were nice and everyone seemed to get along. "What are we going to do?" thought Hue to himself while staring at the ground.

"Well your welcome to stay here as long as you like dears" said Satan with a smile.

"Yea…maybe we’ll stay awhile" said Hue as he looked at the others for reassurance. Nobody seemed to mind.






Having spent two weeks in Hell the crusaders felt rejuvenated. Space travel can be exhausting, especially in the cramped confines of a spaceship as small as the "Enterprise" and the four crusaders had been traveling for a long time. Two weeks in Hell was exactly what they had been needing. Jesus was able to spend a lot of time with his mother while the others were able to rest a bit. Vince passed the time being introspective and reflexive while Hue and Miranda spent most of their days in privacy doing things that would have enraged Jesus had he known what they were. Fortunately for Jesus he actually believed them when they said they were just going for a walk. Had he known what they had been doing on those walks Jesus might have acted more rashly than he had.

When the time to leave Hell came the adventurers felt better than they had for a long time. Though they were sad to leave such a great place they knew they had to move on. After all they were on a mission to save the world and they knew they couldn’t waste their time lounging around paradise. "It was nice meeting you" hollered Miranda as she stepped into formation with Hue and Vince. They were getting ready to beam back to the "Enterprise" .

"It was nice meeting you!" shouted Satan in a motherly voice. "Any friend of Jesus’ is a friend of mine."

"Yea" said Miranda solemnly as she glanced to look at Hue who was wearing a fake smile.

"We’ll talk to him for you" said Hue. "I’m sure he’s not still angry with you."

For a moment Satan’s smile faded. "Well…you all are welcome to come back here when ever you want" she said as she mustered the happiest face she could. "I mean it" she said.

"We will!" exclaimed Miranda happily.

"Tell Jesus I love him" said Satan earnestly.

"We will" said Vince as he looked at his brother.

Hue was trying very hard to maintain the appearance of happiness but it was obvious that he had become annoyed with the long goodbye. His fake smile left his face as he hit the Star Trek com badge that he now wore on his shirt. "Computer" he said. "Three to beam up."

Materializing on the "Enterprise" Hue, Vince, and Miranda were together with Jesus again. Halfway through their stay on Hell Jesus had gotten into a huge fight with his mother and had beamed back to the ship where he had been staying alone while the others were enjoying the pleasures of Hell. The fight had started when Satan tried to talk to Jesus about his real father. She had kept the secret from Jesus out of fear that it might hurt him too much to know the truth , but when Satan heard Jesus refer to the guy from the Ferendil Sector as a "bastard" she knew she had to come clean with him.

Jesus was not God’s only begotten son! As a matter of fact God was impotent! Satan and God had been trying for a son for billions of years but had had no success. Finally Satan, wanting to be the mother of a child, had gotten fed up with God and had started seeing other men behind his back. Though the people on Earth didn’t know, the whole story about Jesus being God’s only begotten son was just a white lie written in the Bible™ to cover up the family’s dark secrets. Then again…why would the people of Earth know anyhow? Though by the year 4594 the power relationship between mankind and God had done a complete one-hundred and eighty degree turnaround the beginning had been quite different. In the beginning God had been the master of Earth. This, of course, was stemming out of his inferiority complex. Feeling sorry for himself and being ashamed that he couldn’t father a child God had devoted most of his time to creating beautiful planets one of which was the planet Earth. In those days God looked at men and the planets he was creating as his children and he treated them quite differently. Earth was one of his favorites and God always made sure that things were kept in constant balance there. Of course things were quite different by the year 4594.

Jesus’ biological father was Zurluch from the Ferendil Sector. Zurluch Ferondi Zaganon was the member of an immortal species of Changelings. Jesus Christ was actually a shape shifter! Though most Changelings could change form with comfort and ease, Jesus had never successfully transformed himself. This, of course, was because Jesus didn’t know that he was a shape shifter and he had always avoided any evidence that might imply otherwise. As far as Jesus was concerned he was the son of God and he refused to even consider the possibility that he might be something else. As a result Jesus had ignored all of the signs when he was younger and had grown up scared. He had grown up confused.

One time, when Jesus was twelve years old, his arm lost its shape for three seconds and re-solidified. Of course he didn’t bring it up to his parents because he didn’t want to know the truth. All of his life Jesus had suppressed everything that implied God might not be his real father. He had even managed to suppress an argument he had overheard when he was sixteen centuries old in which God had accused Satan of creating an illegitimate son. Because Jesus wouldn’t accept it he was always fighting against it. He lived in denial.

Though Jesus didn’t know it, his body was caught in an internal struggle. Suppressing the truth at a subconscious level Jesus’ expended a great majority of his energy trying to hold his current form. Though he didn’t know it Jesus was fighting his body’s natural tendencies to change form in such a way as to cause much internal conflict. Since Jesus had been doing it his whole life he was very used to it, and quite unaware of the fact that he was working twice as hard as he needed to. As a result Jesus’ current form was a little off. Though he looked human to most people something wasn’t quite right about his appearance and if you looked at him closely you could see that he looked a little different. To put it bluntly: Jesus’ internal struggle gave him, ever so slightly, Mongoloid facial features. Of course most people didn’t pay that much attention to him…only Jesus himself noticed when he looked in the mirror.

After his mom told him his real father wasn’t God, Jesus told her to go to Hell. When he realized that she already had he felt quite embarrassed and he left for the ship where he stayed alone for a week. Of course the fight between Jesus and Satan wasn’t the only reason Jesus had beamed back to the ship early. Though Jesus was obviously angry with his mother for bringing up the subject of his "foster father" there was more behind Jesus’ actions than just that.

The main reason Jesus felt so upset had nothing to do with his mother nor his personal insecurities. The main reason Jesus beamed back to the ship early stemmed from the fact that he couldn’t bear to see Hue and Miranda together. Though Jesus had no idea that Hue and Miranda had been making sweet passionate love when they said they were "just going on a walk" he couldn’t bear seeing them together. Hue and Miranda were always holding hands and kissing. It hurt Jesus’ feelings to see them so happy together and it was hard for him to act normal around them. Feeling sad and despondent Jesus didn’t want them to know the source of his feelings, he didn’t want them to see him cry, and he didn’t want to answer any questions, so he beamed back to the ship early.

Upon materializing in the ship’s cabin the adventurers saw Jesus hunched in the corner. He was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. It was obvious that he had been crying. His eyes were red and puffy. And his face was paler than usual.

"How are you Jesus?" asked Miranda politely. Though she was honestly concerned about him she was only asking because she was acting under a set of social rules and norms.

"Fine" said Jesus with a jittery voice. He sounded like a prepubescent teenager who had just been hazed by a high school football team.

"Are you OK?" she replied softly.

"Sure" said Jesus sadly. During his weeklong stay on the ship Jesus had hardly eaten anything and had lost more than seven pounds. Of course, being a shape shifter, he didn’t need to eat. Shape shifters didn’t gain nutrition from food and Jesus had only lost weight because he had wanted to subconsciously. He was hoping that his friends would notice and ask him if he had been eating. He was feeling sorry for himself and he wanted to tell them that he hadn’t been eating. Jesus couldn’t wait for someone to notice. "When they notice I’ve lost some weight I’ll tell them off" thought Jesus as he tried to look as pitiful as he could.

Five minutes later after Hue had laid in the course he turned to Jesus and made a comment on his appearance. "You look different Jesus" said Hue.

"What do you mean" replied Jesus. He was ecstatic that Hue had noticed and he was ready to give him a piece of his mind. Jesus was sick of the way the others had been treating him and though he was grateful they had helped him escape from prison he was going to assert himself. He was sick of being everyone’s scapegoat.

"I don’t know" said Hue as he looked at Jesus closely. He was examining Jesus’ face with intense scrutiny. "I’ve never noticed it before…but you have an odd look about you. Are you aware you look as if you were slightly retarded?" asked Hue blatantly.

"What the hell are you talking about!" exclaimed Jesus with a confrontational tone of voice.

"No…don’t get the wrong idea buddy! I don’t mean to insult you…I mean it’s obvious when I talk to you that you’re not…well…retarded you know…it’s just that…you have slight Mongoloid features."

"Oh yea!" screamed Jesus in a tone of voice that made it obvious he didn’t share Hue’s opinion. Though Jesus knew it was true he wasn’t going to admit it to Hue. "Mongoloid features hugh!"

"Well…like I said it’s not obvious…I mean I’ve never noticed it before but…oh never mind. I shouldn’t have brought it up!" exclaimed Hue. He suddenly realized the error in bringing up the subject and wanted to forget it.

Crushed Jesus didn’t know what to say. Since he knew it was true it was an incredible blow to his self esteem. He had known it to be true all of his life but he had always suppressed it. This was the first time that anyone had had the audacity to point it out to him. Jesus was left with no clear course of action. He felt as if his honor had been attacked. He knew he had to stand up for himself but he was left wordless. Hue’s logic had been flawless.

"Fuck you!" screamed Jesus as he lunged to the back of the ship where he sat in a sad position facing the wall in silence. He was sitting in Vince’s spot.

Though the soap-opera could have continued for hours Hue was not in the mood to argue with Jesus. He realized that bringing it up had been a mistake and decided to change the subject. Besides, it was time to move. Since Satan had refused to help them there was only one thing left to do. The four crusaders would have to go to the source. If mankind was too hopeless to change things for the better then only God himself had the necessary power to do it. Since it had been God’s negligence that had started the whole thing, and since God had run things correctly at one time, it would have to God who set things right again. Of course getting into Heaven might be a problem but Hue was sure that with Jesus’ help they could pull it off. For that reason alone Hue knew he had to get on Jesus’ good side. Though he knew it could be done without Jesus it would be easier with Jesus’ help. Besides, Hue realized that letting Jesus do something useful might help raise his self esteem.

Watching Jesus feel sorry for himself in the back of the ship Hue grumbled to him self as he powered up the ship’s thrusters to take off for the divine stronghold. "This is the son of God?" he said to himself softly. "What a mess."

During their stay on Hell Satan had appointed a maintenance crew to work on the ship for the crusaders. Other than check it over Satan had supplied them with the newest in divine technology by installing a new engine and pulse emitter. When the "Enterprise" reached a maximum speed of warp nine the ship would detonate an almighty energy pulse that would in turn open the infamous wormhole known to humans as the "tunnel of light". With this knew technology the trip to Heaven would be much more expedient. With the flip of a switch the "Enterprise" was hurled into motion. When the ship reached warp nine it began to shake violently. "Let’s see what this baby can do!" screamed Hue loudly.

Though the crusaders were grateful to Satan for helping them with the new technology they knew she hadn’t done it out of the bottom of her benevolent heart. It was clear that Satan had only helped them because she knew their presence would annoy God. Though she had saved them a lot of time, the crusaders weren’t under any illusions about her intentions. Satan was a nicer lady than they had expected but she was still caught up in her dysfunctional family life.

As Hue flipped the switch that controlled the almighty pulse emitter an immaculate swirl of yellow light opened up to engulf the ship. An extraordinary sight to see, the tunnel of light was the fastest way to travel the furthest distance through space. As soon as the ship entered the tunnel of light it closed behind them with a flash leaving nothing but black space. As if nothing had happened there was no trace and the "Enterprise" was sent hurling down the tunnel of light. Within a matter of seconds the four crusaders would arrive in Heaven.






In front of the pearly gates of Heaven a bright light flashed through the clouds upon which Saint Peter was standing. The "Enterprise" had exited the tunnel of light and was now hovering below the clouds of Heaven. As the four crusaders readied themselves for the upcoming adventure Hue Bailey made an attempt to reconcile with Jesus.

"We can’t do it without you Jesus."

"Can’t do what?" replied Jesus as he pouted. It had only been five minutes since Hue had told him that he had facial features that were slightly Mongoloid.

"We can’t get past the gate unless you can persuade Saint Peter to let us by" Hue replied.

"Sure you can" answered Jesus. "You don’t need me for anything."

"What ever would give you that idea" retorted Hue. "You’re a valuable part of the team. We’d be lost without you…I mean…after all you’re the son of God for Christ’s sake. What would we do without the son of God?"

"Well…" said Jesus as he forged a slight smile. "I guess you’re right…I am the son of God."

"That’s right Jesus…you’re the only one who can do it" added Vince who knew what Hue was trying to do.

"Yea!" exclaimed Jesus who’s newfound optimism made him the poster child for a commercial about manic depression. "I guess I’ll have to get right on that."

As if Jesus was a new person he was now excited and happy. As he ran to the Micronetics™ matter transport system he wore a cake eating grin. "Energize!" he said just as Hue programmed the command to beam him off the ship. In a matter of second Jesus had been transported to the clouds above.

"Jesus!" exclaimed Saint Peter. "Where have you been?"

"Around" said Jesus rebelliously. "Look I’ve got a favor to ask you."

"Sure! Go ahead my lad!"

"I’ve got some friends who I’d like to show around the place but…"

"But what?" shouted Saint Peter.

"Well…they’re not souls yet."

"What do you mean they’re not souls yet? If they’re not souls then what are they?"

Jesus seemed to lull for a second as he tried to figure out how best to put it. "Well…they’re humans."

"Humans! And they’re not dead yet?"

"Yea" said Jesus. He suddenly realized how outrageous it was to even ask. After all, only the dead were allowed to enter Heaven and only those who God deemed fit. Jesus had just done something taboo and it was certain Saint Peter would not allow it.

"Sure, I can help you" said Saint Peter brashly as he rubbed his thumb against his index and middle fingers as if he were trying to roll something between them. "But it’s gonna cost ya" he said slyly.
"Gonna cost me!" shouted Jesus incredulously. "What do you mean it’s gonna cost me?!"

"You’ll have to pay me."

"Pay you? What do you mean pay you?"

This was the first time Jesus had ever heard anyone speak of money in Heaven. Angels and heavenly spirits just didn’t speak of such things. It was shocking for Jesus to witness such a thing and he didn’t know quite how to take it.

"Moola…you know…dinero."

"What? What kind of money could you possibly use in Heaven?" screamed Jesus incredulously.

"I’ll only accept hard cash from the U.S.A. INC™" answered Saint Peter.

"What?" screamed Jesus.

"Cash…I want two thousand dollars" he said.

"But!"

"Two thousand dollars or beat it!"

"But?"

"Well run along now" commanded Saint Peter. "Hop off and tell your friends what I want."

With a puzzled look on his face Jesus touched the Star Trek com badge on his robe. "Enterprise…lock on to my coordinates and…energize!" Seconds after he had arrived in front of the pearly gates of Heaven Jesus was back aboard the ship.

"Well, what did he say" blurted out Miranda as soon as Jesus materialized in the ship’s cabin. She was excited to see Heaven.

"Will he do it" asked Hue intensely.

"Ugh…well…"

"Well what?" asked Hue.

"Ugh…yea…but…"

"But what?" asked Hue impatiently. His eyes were blazing with aggression and impatience.

"He wants a god damned two thousand dollars!" shout Jesus angrily.

"Oh" said Hue calmly. "That’s it?"

"What do you mean that’s it?" screamed Jesus in disbelief. "He wants money! Don’t you see the hypocrisy? People in Heaven don’t use mon…"

Hue interrupted Jesus in mid sentence. "I figured this was going to happen" he said. "Don’t worry we planned ahead."

Hue sprang to his feet and ran to the back of the ship where he proceeded to fumble around with a wall panel. "While you were in prison…egh…I had this installed" gasped Hue as he yanked down the wall panel to reveal a safe.

"A safe!" shouted Jesus. "But what do we need money for?"

"We planned on this" replied Hue as he punched in the final numbers and slid open the door. The safe was packed full of cash. In total there was billions of dollars in hard cash from the U.S.A. INC™. "Did you say two thousand?" asked Hue.

"Yea"

"That’s it?"

"Yea"

"Ha, ha, ha. Saint Peter’s an easy one" said Hue as he clasped a wad of cash and handed it to Jesus. "That ought to cover it."

"But…where did you get all of that money?" questioned Jesus skeptically.

A look of concern ran across Hue’s face like an escaped convict. It was visible for just a moment and then it was gone. Hue glanced at Vince with a smirk…he was obviously guilty of something. "Ugh…nowhere…I mean it was nothing."

"Where did you get the money?" demanded Jesus.

"It’s just a return."

"From what?" screamed Jesus who was sick of playing games. He knew he wasn’t going to be pleased with this.

As Hue went on he tried to hide the obvious smile on his face. "Ugh…just an investment" he said.
"What did you do while I was in prison?"

"We pooled our money and invested it" said Hue as he mistakenly glanced at Vince a second time. This time the two irrupted into roaring laughter.

"We invested our money in toys" exclaimed Miranda who was laughing as well.

"What god damned toys did you invest in!" screamed Jesus. He was not amused.

"We invested in the Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys" burst Vince as he dropped to the floor clutching his side. He was laughing so hard it hurt him.

"What!" yelled Jesus madly.

"Ha, ha, ha…it was right before they released a pair of dolls…" said Hue but he couldn’t finish. It was too incredibly funny.

"Joseph and the virgin Gary!" screamed Vince with delight as all three of them fell into a two minute laughing frenzy.

The Joseph and virgin Gary dolls had been two of the best sellers from the Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys. Pulling in trillions of dollars for the company it had made the crusaders a lot of money. Joseph was a carpenter and came equipped with a set of wood-working tools. The virgin Gary was the feminine one. Though he had a stubble beard and mustache, the virgin Gary wore a long red striped dress with high heals. He came equipped with a purse, jewelry, and clip on nails. As the company continued to grow and make new toys Hue, Vince and Miranda had continued to make a load of cash. Though Jesus didn’t know it, the company had even modeled a toy after current events. The "Little Wesley Crusher Bitch Prison Jesus doll" had been modeled after Jesus’ experiences in prison and was also sold as a pair. Every Little Wesley Crusher Bitch Jesus doll was sold with a Slit Throat doll. While Jesus had been getting raped in prison his companions had been getting rich off him.
"Joseph and the virgin Gary!" laughed Miranda.

"Slit Throat and Little Wesley Crusher!" laughed Vince hysterically.

"This is outrageous!" shouted Jesus. "You have been making money off my suffering!"

"We had to Jesus" said Miranda as she tried to control her laughter.

"While I was getting raped in prison you were making money!"

"Lighten up!" laughed Hue. "We had to do it."






It took the crusaders an hour to pull themselves together and persuade Jesus to come with them to Heaven. Finally, with two thousand dollars in hand, Hue, Vince, Miranda and Jesus were ready to go. Together they were going to give God a piece of their mind. They were going to tell him what a fat lazy piece of crap he was. If he didn’t want to save the world they were going to make him do it. There would be no negotiating.

As Hue handed Saint Peter two thousand dollars in cash he noticed, for the first time, the letters printed on the money. "In God We Trust" it said. "Yea right" muttered Hue. "What a joke." When the four crusaders slipped past the pearly gates of Heaven they realized their job might be harder than they had thought. Towering in front of them, larger than the grand palace of God, was the largest McDonalds™ any of them had ever seen before. With golden arches bigger than a small mountain the McDonalds™ in Heaven even had a drive through.

"What the Hell is this crap!" snapped Hue.

"Jesus Christ" said Miranda incredulously.

With a sad look in his eye Jesus looked down at the ground.

In front of the McDonalds™ there was a traffic jam. He couldn’t believe his father had done this. It was shameful! It was outrageous! Despondent, hurt and ashamed Jesus couldn’t believe his eyes. "Please don’t use my name in vane" he said.

As the four crusaders were nearing the giant McDonalds™ they had to jump out of the way of an oncoming vehicle. It was an old rusted out Chevy Silverado™. It screeched as it flew by. The driver slammed on the brakes and stuck his head out the window to yell at the crusaders. It was Martin Luther King Jr.

"Get the fuck off the road you god damned hippies!" he shouted.

Before Hue could raise his hand to show Dr. King his middle finger the car had squealed around to the back side of McDonalds™. "What the Hell is this crap!" snapped Hue again. It was clear he would be using this phrase over and over again throughout his stay in Heaven. Hue’s eyes were blazing a fierce shade of red. Being in Heaven made him angrier than he had planned.

When the four crusaders made it to the doors of McDonalds™ they had a hard time pushing their way through the crowds. The place was packed! It was as if everyone in Heave n were crammed into one building. As Jesus looked around he saw many familiar faces. Of course the one that caught his attention was that of his truest friend. It was Karl Marx!

Karl Marx was working one of the cash registers off to the side. Beads of sweat were pouring off of his forehead as he was pushing buttons fervently and handling money. The crusaders could hear him over the loud speaker as he spoke into the microphone.

"New order, double cheeseburger without tomato, large fry, medium fry, grilled chicken sandwich and a cheeseburger happy meal!"

"Uncle Karl!" screamed Jesus as he ran over to the cash register pushing his way in front of everyone in the line.

"Hi Jesus" sad Marx sadly. "I didn’t think I’d see you up here again…did they…"

"Did they what?" asked Jesus.

"Did…the Christians crucify you again?" asked Marx despondently as he pawed at his left hand. One tear welled up in his right eye.

"No!" exclaimed Jesus. "We’ve come to talk to father."

"Oh" said Marx sadly. "Since saving the world from Earth didn’t work you think you can convince him to do it?"

"That’s the idea" retorted Hue fiercely. He was getting impatient and he wanted to find God.

"Well as you can see you’d have better luck convincing the presidential droid of the U.S.A. INC™ to start a commune. There’s nothing you can do for the world! God can’t even keep things under control up here! How do you expect him to save the world?"

"It’s his responsibility!" snapped Hue.

"Look" retorted Marx quietly. "I know you guys have good intentions but there’s nothing you can do…you’d all be better off if you just skipped out of here."

"But we have to do something uncle Marx" said Jesus persistently.

Quickly and quietly Karl Marx grabbed Jesus by the shoulders and whispered into his ear just loud enough for the crusaders to hear. "You guys should follow my lead and escape while you can" he said.

"What do you mean" asked Miranda.

"I’ll be ready to go by tomorrow" he said.

"Where are you going uncle Marx?" asked Jesus.

"I’m going to Hell" he said. "I’ve heard it’s much better there."

"Oh it is" exclaimed Miranda. "We just came from there. It’s just lovely."

Marx continued to speak quietly. "When God first began to negotiate a deal with the president of McDonalds™ to build up here I started to voice my concerns to him."

"Is that why you’re working here now?" asked Vince dejectedly.

"At first I was put in a management position" retorted Marx sarcastically. "God told me I would understand if I just kept at it. He said it was all part of his plan."

"Then why are you working the register" stated Vince abstractly.

"When I tried to start a union God put me here as punishment…I can’t take it anymore! I’ve been working at this meaningless job for too long! I’ve got to get out of here! I’m leaving for Hell tomorrow!" exclaimed Marx slamming his fist on the counter just in time to catch a glimpse of Jesus’ face. Jesus was obviously upset about something.

"What the Hell is that crap!" shouted Jesus pointing at a cardboard display on the counter.

"Oh Jesus" said Marx compassionately. "I was going to tell you about that."

"This is outrageous!" shouted Jesus. "When will it end!"

The cardboard display that was obviously the source of Jesus’ rage was an advertisement for the new happy meals. Printed on the display were photos of little plastic Jesus dolls made by the Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys. Ronald McDonald™ was holding them in the palms of his hands and the words "Collect them all" were printed at the top of the display. There were four different happy meals: The "son" of god shape shifter happy meal, the Mongoloid Jesus happy meal, the sexually confused "son" of God happy meal, and the suicidal bastard happy meal. As Jesus looked out into the dining area of the restaurant he could see that nearly half of the customers had ordered happy meals. They were all laughing and playing with the Jesus toys.

"This is outrageous!" screamed Jesus. "Even my own father!"

"I’m sorry" said Marx despondently. "I’m so terribly sorry Jesus."

"Sorry" said Miranda sympathetically.

"We didn’t know" said Vince.

All of the crusaders felt bad about what they had done. They wouldn’t have commercialized Jesus’ suffering on Earth had they known his step father had done it in Heaven. They never meant to hurt him. They just needed to make a few dollars. Had they known this was going to happen they surely would have invested in a different product.

"I’ve had it with this crap!" griped Hue through his teeth. "I’m going to give that obese, alcoholic waste of a God a piece of my mind!"

Storming off through the crowd of people it was easy for the crusaders to find him. Sitting in the back of the restaurant God had a large four-person table all to himself. It was clear he had been sitting in the same spot for a very long time due to the fact that the floor around him was overflowing with garbage. There were sandwich wrappers, paper cups, and cardboard fry boxes spewed out all over the table. Everything God ordered was special. He only ate fries cooked extra crispy, his burgers had to be cooked between medium and medium well, and when he ordered a breakfast sandwich the eggs had to be cooked over medium well. If the food wasn’t perfect God would send it back to be re-cooked. As God was stuffing his face there were angels rushing back and forth between his table and the kitchen with his orders. As the crusaders approached him God was sucking a beer out of a straw while stuffing a handful of fries in his mouth at the same time. It was obvious to Jesus that his "father" had gained a lot of weight since he had last seen him.

"Dad!" exclaimed Jesus. "What the hell have you done!"

"God we’ve got to talk" barked Hue. His eyes were glowing something fierce and his muscles had tensed up.

"I’m not God" said God, followed by a burp.

"What?" snapped Hue.

"Yea…what are you talking about Dad?" followed Jesus.

"I’m not God…my name is Gary" he said.

"What?" snapped Hue. This was clearly not what he had expected.

"My name is Gary god damn it…burp…call me Gary" said God with a drunken slur.

"OK Gary" said Hue sarcastically. "Do you mind explaining to me what the hell you’re doing."

"What the hell does it look like…burp…I’m eating."

"Yes I know but are you aware of the fact that the planet Earth is in ruins" said Hue as patiently as he was able.

"What the hell are you talking about?" bellowed God. "What’s a matter with you? Don’t you like McDonalds™?"

"The people of Earth are suffering!" screamed Hue. His rage had been released and he was now hovering three feet off the ground. "The poor are getting poorer while the rich are getting richer and the middle class is apathetic! People are drowning in depression and apathy while the elite few are turning the planet into a toxic waste dump! And all you are doing is sitting on your fat ass drinking yourself under the table while you pig out on Big Macs™!"

"Dad we need to make life better…better for everyone" added Jesus.

"I’m not your father you bastard!" bellowed God.

Tears welled up in Jesus’ eyes. "But Dad…"

"Get out of here!" screamed God.

"That was uncalled for God!" hollered Miranda. "That’s no way for a divine being to behave!"

"Divine being!" bellowed God. "HA! My name is Gary!"

"Look" screamed Hue. At this point Hue’s skin had mutated into that of a reptile. He had grown wings and his forked tongue flickered as he spoke. "I don’t care what you call yourself! You’ve screwed everything up and you are going to fix it!"

"HA!…burp…what makes you think that I screwed everything up?"

"You’re the one who’s omnipotent" stated Vince with calm logic.

"HA! I’m not the only one who happens to be omnipotent! Maybe it was that lazy, good for nothing, dog faced, ex-wife of mine!"

"Dad!" complained Jesus. "Don’t talk that way about mother."

"Shut up" screamed God. "My name is Gaaaaary!"

"Look!" said Hue as he hovered in and grabbed God by the neck of his shirt. It was a white wife-beater tee-shirt covered with grease stains and beer spots. Hue’s eyes were flashing something fierce. His rage had been unleashed at it’s fullest potential and Hue had made the complete transformation into a monster. His voice too had mutated and he spoke demonically. He was ready to settle things once and for all. "It is your responsibility to fix this mess!" screamed Hue. "You will fix it now!"

"Nobody talks to Gaaaaary like that!" bellowed God with a ground moving screech as he took a swing at Hue.

With a flicker of his wings Hue easily avoided God’s backhand and pathetically God fell flat on his face. "It is your responsibility" shouted Hue.

Pulling himself up from the floor God seemed to take a moment to think. His facial expression had changed and there was a somber look about him. "What makes you think it’s my responsibility?" asked God in a calm tone of voice.

"You have the power to change things" said Hue.

"So…so what?" said God. He seemed to be taking the crusaders seriously for the moment.

"So…you should put an end to human suffering!" said Hue. "It’s gotten ridiculous."

"HA! I should put an end to human suffering! Ha, ha, ha and why can’t you put an end to human suffering?"

"Because!" raged Hue. "It’s not our world! We didn’t create it…you did!"

"Oh so you want to put the blame on me do ya. On the contrary my dear little humans. It is your world and you did create it" stated God laughingly.

"I don’t…" Hue was saying but was interrupted by God.

"Oh sure I did the ground work and all. I made the big bang and all of that jazz but I gave you limited free will. It has been you the humans who have destroyed the planet Earth not me. If you want to make things better for your people then you have to learn how to treat each other. If you choose not to then there’s not much I can do now is there."

"But…" protested Vince.

"But what? If you want Earth to be a better place then you have to make it a better place. Oh sure I could take away your limited free will and stand over your shoulders controlling everything, making every decision for you, and keeping everything in perfect balance, just like I used to do for all eternity but…well I’m sick of it! It’s a lot of work and I don’t see why I should be saddled with all of it when every human possesses the power to make the world a little better. All I’m asking for is that everyone shares the responsibility and pitches in a bit. If you’re not willing to do your part then that’s your problem…besides…I don’t see what the problem is. I like what you’re doing down there. Television was pure genius. I wish I would have thought of it! And McDonalds™! Who could argue with McDonalds™?"

"McDonalds™ sucks!" screamed all of the crusaders in unison.

"There’s a McDonalds™ in every country in the world!" shouted Miranda.

"They are ugly and dirty! They all look the same and they are everywhere. We hate them!" yelled Vince.

"You don’t know what you’re talking about!" hollered God. "If you don’t like the way things are you’ll have to change them yourselves."

"But we are powerless against giant multinational corporations!" said Miranda. "What can I do in opposition to McDonalds™"

"Don’t shop there" said God sarcastically. "If everybody who hated McDonalds™ didn’t eat there the company wouldn’t be so powerful now would it?"

"But…" said Miranda.

"But nothing!" bellowed God.

"I will give you the opportunity to change things for yourselves! That’s it! If you can’t do it don’t come whining to me about it" and with the snap of his fingers the four crusaders disappeared. God had banished them from Heaven.






With the snap of his fingers God had sent the four crusaders across the galaxy. They were back aboard the "Enterprise" orbiting the planet Earth! "God damn it!" shouted Hue in anger. "That idiot has sent us back to Earth".

"What are we going to do?" asked Miranda.

"We’re going back to Heaven!" shouted Hue. "I’m going to make Gary sorry he did that!"

"Let’s go!" hollered Jesus.

"Power up the warp drive and get ready to activate the tunnel of light!" commanded Hue assertively. "We’re going back to Heaven!"

As the four crusaders started pushing buttons frantically to return to Heaven they were outraged to find that God had sabotaged the pulse emitter. They were unable to initiate the tunnel of light.

"God damn it!" screamed Hue when he realized what had happened. "It will take us more than three years to return to Heaven without the tunnel of light!"

As the crusaders took a moment to look around the ship they realized that a few things had changed. The computer consoles were arranged slightly differently and there seemed to be some new equipment.

Looking over things Miranda noticed a big red button with the words "push me" printed on it. She had never seen it before and realized that it was a new addition. "Look…it says push me" she said.

"What do you think it will do?" asked Vince dejectedly. "Not that I care what happens" he added sarcastically.

"There’s only one way to find out" said Hue as he reached over and hit the button with his right hand.

At first nothing happened but just before Hue could slam his fist through the computer screen an orb hovered out from behind a sliding wall panel. It was a hologram projector! With a flash of light it projected a choppy, static image of God in front of the crusaders as they sat back and angrily watched. In the hologram God could barely stand…his beer gut hung down to his thin, wobbly, knees as he wiped his fat greasy fingers on his pizza-stained, wife-beater tee-shirt. It was a disgusting sight to see.

"Ha, ha, ha" he said. "By now you have probably figured out that your ship is no longer equipped with the pulse emitter to open the tunnel of light. Burp! Though I was thinking about keeping you all in Heaven to cook at my McDonalds™ restaurant I have decided to grant you your lousy request. Though I refuse to ‘save the Earth’ as you say, I have decided to grant you the opportunity to save it yourselves. Ha! If you can manage. Since it is your planet and it is your responsibility to make it better I am leaving it up to you. Ha! Though I doubt you will succeed! I have equipped your ship with the necessary technology you will need to surpass the White House™ security systems. You will have no problem slipping past the PlanetaryGUARD™ and the ENFORCERS™ to enter the White House™. You may do what you wish. This is your one opportunity to change things for the better. If you fail don’t come whining to me about it. I have done all I can for you. Burp! And keep that bastard ‘son’ of mine away from me!"

"God damn it" screamed Hue, slamming his fist down. He was still holding his reptilian form. Eyes glowing red, his forked tongue flickered back and forth. He was one angry person.

"What will we do?" asked Miranda.

"There’s only one thing we can do!" screamed Hue. "We are going down to Earth!"

"Do you think we should?" asked Vince who was now considering suicide. "If we kill ourselves now maybe Satan will keep us in Hell."

"Shut up!" hollered Hue. "I’m going to give those corporate politicians a piece of my mind!" he said. He spoke with a loud demonic voice. His words were separated by short bursts of flames.

Within a short period of time the four crusaders had figured out how to transport themselves down to the White House™. The new technology God had given them had been easy to figure out. A cloaking device made the ship invisible and undetectable by sensors while the shields protected them from all known weapons. In order to crack the Micronetics™ shields that protected the White House™ God had equipped the "Enterprise" with a sub spatial field which would allow the ship to fly right through them. Within three hours the crusaders were ready to go…they were going to set a collision course with the White House™.

"Get ready!" screamed Hue as he maneuvered the ship into position, putting it on course with the White House™. "We’re taking this thing in!"

As the ships engines raged with violent force Jesus read off the check list while Miranda contested.

"Cloaking field"

"Check"

"Shields"

"Check"

"Sub spatial field"

"Check"

"All systems ready and go!" hollered Jesus over the roar of the ships engines.

"Engage!" commanded Hue. As he hit the necessary buttons the "Enterprise" shot forward like a bullet. The crusaders were on a crash course with the White House™ and they were ready to save the world!

Streaking through the sky the "Enterprise" lunged forward at an incredible speed. Flying right through White House™ security the ship smashed through the side of the building. Sliding through rooms, damaging all in its path, the "Enterprise" ground to a stop right in the middle of a corporate meeting between the presidential droid, and the presidents of the five largest multinational corporations. Undamaged the ship had served its purpose. With a thud it’s doors shot open and a ramp extended down from the ship. Screaming and waving his arms Hue was the first one off the ship followed by Miranda, Jesus and Vince.

Running straight to the most aggressive looking of the corporate executives Hue stuck a Micronetics™ blaster in his face. "We are taking over!" screamed Hue. "We are going to make a few changes around here!"

"Wha…wha…what do you mean?" asked the man. He was the president of the AMR™.

"We are going to turn this country into a democracy!" answered Hue.

"This is the freest country there is" droned the presidential droid. "The U.S.A. INC™ is a democracy."

"You must be kidding me!" snapped Hue. "How can the U.S.A. INC™ be a free country when multinational corporations control the media, the government, and the judicial system? How can the U.S.A.INC™ be a free country when the poor are sent to prison for vandalism and the rich walk free after having committed genocide? What about the FBI™ framing of Leonard Peltier? Where is the justice in that? This country was built off broken promises and lies. Mount Rushmore, called the freedom shrine by the consumers, was stolen from the Native Americans! Yet it remains a symbol of freedom for the people! That, my friends, is insanity…AND IT WILL CHANGE!"

As Hue continued to argue with the presidential droid and the corporate executives over global politics Jesus slowly wandered away from the crowd. He had a sad look in his eye and was wearing a somber face. With all of the commotion and chaos no one but Vince noticed what he was doing. Sadly Jesus stopped in front of a computer terminal across the room. One solo tear rolled down his face. As he stared at the computer screen his face reflected the glow of the violet, artificial light. Cautiously Vince crept up to join him, he seemed to know what Jesus was doing.

"You’re going to do it aren’t you?" whispered Vince somberly.

"Yes my Son…I am going to save the world" he said. Reflecting the light from the computer screen Jesus almost looked angelic. He seemed saddened by something yet he spoke with wisdom. For the first time Jesus seemed to reflect true divinity. As if he were the true son of God, Jesus seemed noble and brave. This time he would not fail. Jesus was going to save mankind from his sins, he was going to put an end to human suffering, and he was going to change things for the better. "It is the only way" said Jesus softly.

"I know" said Vince. "It is the only hope for mankind."

For a moment there was a long silence. Jesus and Vince were both smiling, tears were streaming down their faces. They were the two people in the universe who cared the most about mankind. They loved mankind more than anything, and they were going to save him from his sins.

"People are just too selfish" said Vince quietly.

"They just don’t care" whispered Jesus. "It is the only way" he said.

Slowly Jesus reached out and secured his hand on the button. Pushing down with minimal force Jesus™ was crying tears of joy as he unleashed the weapons of mass destruction upon all of humanity. Knowing that mankind could not take responsibility for his own actions and knowing that things would never change, Jesus™ had done the only decent thing possible. With no planet to return to, the soul of mankind would spend eternity in Hell. Destroying all of humanity had been the only way to save man’s soul. It had been the best solution to a difficult problem. Mankind was God forsaken and terminally ill. Like a suffering cancer patient, the only way to save mankind was to kill mankind and the only person that could save him was Jesus Christ™.






Five years later, in a dirt spattered alley, on a minute pitiable planet, a scruffy looking man sorted through a pile of rubble he had pulled from a dumpster. His long sandy-blonde hair hung freely, accentuating his bright blue eyes. His rough beard detracted from them. Though at first glance the man appeared to be "normal" upon closer inspection, it could be seen that he was not. Though it wasn’t obvious and it indeed went unnoticed by most, it could be seen upon close inspection that the man looked slightly different from everyone else. Ever so slightly, the man’s face bore the Mongoloid features of a retarded person. Though the man had been widely recognized on the planet he resided on prior fewer people recognized him on the "New World". Known to many through accounts from a book that was falsified by his "father", an entity who referred to himself as Gary but was known to most as God, it had not been the book that had made him famous but rather the Hang-sus™ line of assorted children’s toys. The man’s name was Jesus Christ. This is a summary of his story thus far:

Jesus Christ was not in fact the Son of God as it had been written in the Bible™. His real father was an immortal changeling named Zurluch Ferondi Zaganon. The passages in the Bible™ referring to him as the "Son of God" had only been created to cover up the hideous truth. The truth was God was impotent and his ex-wife Satan had had an affair. When God had been in a better frame of mind he had created the Bible™ to mislead the public. Of course he didn’t care to protect his image anymore. Over the years God had become more and more of an alcoholic while exercising less and less control. The lines between the creator and the created had become less and less distinct. Now God was watching TV, eating at McDonalds™, and taking advice from marketing executives.

Of course most of the marketing executives had died in the U.S.A. INC™ after Jesus had launched all of the country’s weapons of mass destruction in an effort to save the planet Earth. Since Earth was nothing but a desolate inferno of toxic waste and nuclear fallout, a far better alternative to the miles of endless strip malls, McDonalds™ restaurants, consumerism, corporate exploitation, and masses of apathetic cattle that had been there before, Jesus had considered his attempt a success. He had tried to save mankind twice before but had failed miserably. The first time he tried to save Earth Romans nailed him to a cross. They had been acting under pressure from the many Christians alive at that time. The second time he had tried to save mankind was four thousand years later. Saddened that the Christians still hadn’t changed Jesus became depressed and blew his own head off with a shotgun. By the time Jesus had returned for the third time the planet Earth was so wretched, and life so intolerable for those who lived there that Jesus had decided to destroy it. Like a blind horse with two broken legs and terminal cancer, the only way to save it was to kill it. It had been the best solution to a difficult problem.

All his life, and he had lived a very long time, Jesus had wanted more than anything to be important. He wanted to be "somebody". Being the "Son of God" had given him an identity that he clung to zealously. Of course Jesus had had doubts about his true identity ever since he was a young boy but he always pushed them into the back of his mind. Jesus was in denial. All of his life Jesus had suppressed everything that implied God might not be his real father. He had even managed to suppress an argument he had overheard when he was sixteen centuries old in which God had accused Satan of creating an illegitimate son. Because Jesus wouldn’t accept it he was always fighting against it and he lived in denial. Though Jesus didn’t know it, his body was caught in an internal struggle. Suppressing the truth at a subconscious level Jesus expended a great majority of his energy trying to hold his current form. Though he didn’t know it Jesus was fighting his body’s natural tendencies to change form in such a way as to cause much internal conflict. Since Jesus had been doing it his whole life he was very used to it, and quite unaware of the fact that he was working twice as hard as he needed to. As a result Jesus’ current form was a little off. This accounted for the slight Mongoloid features that made him look somewhat retarded. Jesus was a changeling! He was a shape shifter and for the first time in his life, on the "New World", he was beginning to understand.






On the lavish surface of the "New World" the last of the remaining humans thrived off the planet’s wealth and almost abundance of natural resources. Most of the survivors had traveled to the "New World" from the U.S.A. INC™. Unfortunately they had brought their country’s corporate culture, ideas, Internet, tradition of broadcast journalism, commercialism, and morals with them. Though the "problem of Earth" had been solved all was not well in the galaxy. Before the demolition of the Earth the settlers had been in constant contact with the U.S.A. INC™, or the "company" as they called it, thus not much had been lost of the country’s history, ideas, and culture. Unfortunately the same problems that infected the Earth had spread to the "New World". Like the Earth, the "New World" was festering with political apathy, ignorance, cruelty, chain stores, McDonalds™ and lack of compassion. Though the Universe was better without Earth there were still many problems.

On the "New World" dumpster diving was the only way Jesus could get anything to eat. Of course, being a shape-shifter, he didn’t need to eat. When he had been in complete denial about his situation he had always eaten in order to maintain his image. Now that he was beginning to come to grips with the fact that he was indeed not the Son of God but the son of an immortal changeling, Jesus had accepted the fact that eating wasn’t necessary. But never the less he continued to eat. Even though he was undergoing a transformation and he knew it wasn’t important to uphold an image of divinity, he still found it necessary to uphold an image of some sort. Though there was complicated psychology as well as mass amounts of socialization behind Jesus’ reasoning, it could be summarized quite easily.

Eating made Jesus feel more "human". Even though he belonged to another species, a species further advanced and more powerful, Jesus found himself constantly trying to identify with humans. After all, Jesus had never even met one of his own. He had spent all of his life trying to save humans and had never known another shape-shifter. Confused and disoriented Jesus didn’t even know if he wanted to be reunited with his people. He was afraid to meet his "real father" and preferred the company of humans. Besides humans were all he had ever known…and he still loved them.

As Jesus gnawed on a dried piece of bread he had pulled from the dumpster he couldn’t help but feel a tad bit lonely. Ever since he had blown up the Earth Jesus had lost most of his followers. Nearly all of the Lutherans had disowned him. The Catholics had renounced him for the Virgin Mary, while everyone else questioned their faith or quit believing entirely. Even people who took large amounts of FaithBoost™ couldn’t believe. Only the Christian Fundamentalists continued to believe he was the savior. Hell Jesus himself wasn’t sure anymore. On the "Foster Mother" Jesus was either unknown or despised. Besides the Fundamentalists, a handful of misguided Satan worshipers, and a few hedonists, Jesus only had one follower.

Vince Bailey having been with Jesus when he pushed "the button" was his only follower. Disheartened, dejected and hopeless, the problems of the world had long been the source of Vince’s depression. When Vince saw what great lengths Jesus was willing to go to, to save the world, he knew Jesus was full of love. Vince had never been the same since.

Though overall Vince was still rather gloomy, he now saw a glimmer of hope, even if it was small. Of course he was still clinically depressed. After all Vince knew the truth about life and death. Worse than that Vince knew Jesus was just the stepchild of a fat lush who couldn’t even manage to control his own family let alone the Universe. He knew that Jesus didn’t have divine blood and even if he did it wouldn’t necessarily be a good thing. Who would want to be like the Gods? Never the less Vince seemed to find peace and inspiration in Jesus. Either Jesus gave him a glimmer of hope for his people or Vince just enjoyed watching the Earth explode from a spaceship. Whatever it was, Vince looked up to Jesus.

"You are a wonderful loving man," said Vince as Jesus took a bite of dry stale bread.

Jesus was chewing sloppily and slobbering crumbs out of the corners of his lips. He hadn’t bathed since he had arrived on the planet. He was dirty, unshaven, and his clothes were soiled…not to mention his Star Trek undies. Even the cockroaches wouldn’t go there.

"I’m a what?"

"You’re a wonderful loving man."

"I’m a bloody what?" snapped Jesus.

"You’re a savior."

"Oh I am? I’m a savior? And what would you call Hitler then? A fucking holy man I bet."

"Well…no…look Jesus I know it must be difficult, to say the least, to feel responsible for the deaths of billions of people…but look at the bright side. You saved all of their souls! Since the Earth is destroyed they won’t be reincarnated. They’ll have to spend eternity in Hell with your mother. Sure with the sudden influx of souls Hell won’t be the paradise it used to be but it’ll be better than the alternative. At least they won’t have to return to that wretched planet. And it sure beats Heaven. You gave those people a chance…you saved them."

As Jesus stopped to think about Vince’s words he was overcome with emotion. As he spoke tears welled up in his eyes. His eyes were lakes of tears, ready to spawn great rivers, but they did not. He refused to cry. "I know," said Jesus. "I know I did the right thing…it was the only thing I could do…it’s just…"

"What"

"I don’t quite know how to put it" replied Jesus.

"Come on now…you can tell me," said Vince.

"It’s just…well…after all this time…"

"What is it Jesus?"

"After all this time…I’m still a virgin!"

Except for his experiences in prison, Jesus had existed for hundreds of thousands of years without ever experiencing such a crucial aspect of the human experience, and he had only done it because he had thought he was the Son of God. Then again, because of his experiences in prison he was sexually confused but he still felt like he was missing something. Needless to say, Jesus was frustrated. Now that he was beginning to accept the reality of his situation and since he knew he wasn’t the true Son of God, Jesus was finally ready to embrace his sexuality. But there was one gigantic problem. Besides the fact that Jesus didn’t have a girlfriend, that Miranda the women he loved was in love with somebody else, and besides the fact that Jesus didn’t even know how to "do it", there was still one gigantic problem. It dealt with the current state of women on the Foster Mother.

Since God had done such a poor job at designing man and women each had internal flaws. As God’s problem with alcohol worsened he had neglected his creation. The more of an alcoholic he became the worse the situation of women became. By the year 3092 "AD" society was controlled by men who likened themselves to Gods. These men along with corporate executives taught many women to fit their ideal standards and to be submissive through a complicated system of socialization and marketing techniques. As a result many women became heartless and cruel. Though they could still procreate they didn’t know how to love and they were sexually unresponsive. They never wanted to make love unless it was for the purpose of having children and they always nagged at men. Though some women could love most women were passionless, unromantic, hags.

By the year 4595 men couldn’t take it anymore. The problem of women had reached an extreme and men put themselves to the drawing board. For years the world’s top male scientists and mathematicians worked on the problem. By the turn of the century a less than perfect, yet suitable solution had been found: Women were to be replaced with robots.

The robots were like women in almost every way. They looked real, felt real, and smelled real. Their synthetic skin was soft and warm, their glass eyes detailed. The new women robots were all made to fit man’s ideal standards. Though certain models could be special ordered for people who had "bizarre taste" most women were five foot eight inches tall and weighed between ninety and a hundred and fifteen pounds. Indeed, the new synthetic robots mirrored the old plastic ones in almost every way except they didn’t nag. The whole process had become easier for men. Programming women was faster, more precise, and more efficient than the old method of socialization. But there was still one major design flaw. Even though the process had been improved and women had stopped their incessant nagging, as hard as men tried, they were still unable to program them to love. By trying to control women, men had destroyed the ability of many women to love resulting in the termination of passion and in the worst cases the termination of good sex. Most, but not all women, were cold and metallic. Though they didn’t nag anymore, they couldn’t love and were incapable of reaching an orgasm. Men had trapped themselves and were suffering at the hands of women. As a result good women were hard to find. The world was loveless, cold, and cruel while dating was done more out of obligation than anything else. By trying to control women, men took away their freedom. Now all that was left were robots.






It had been five years since Jesus had first set foot on the Foster Mother and now, for the first time in his life, he was ready to deal with the question of his identity. Though he didn’t know who he was, at least he knew who he wasn’t. He was not the Son of God, he was the son of a shape shifter. Though it was difficult for him to accept, Jesus knew he had to change…what he didn’t know was to whom. He could be anyone he wanted to, but who would he be?

As he was rummaging through a dumpster Jesus encountered a flat object. It was cold and hard. Not thinking he pulled it out and saw his reflection. It was an old cracked mirror.

"Who should I be?" said Jesus to himself quietly.

"Just be yourself" replied Vince.

"But who am I?"

"If you don’t know who you are how can I know…"

"I want to be someone cool" interrupted Jesus.

"Jesus Christ!" cursed Vince.

For the first time in his life it didn’t bother Jesus to hear his name said in vane. He was lost in his own thoughts and hardly noticed the comment.

"No…" he said. "I want to be liked by people…I need to change my image."

"But you’re the savior."

"No" said Jesus as he closed his eyes and concentrated. At first the transformation was slow and unnoticeable. His long sandy blond hair grew inward towards his head while his cloths were seemingly enveloped by his liquid body. The closer he came to completing the metamorphosis the faster his body changed until, for a moment he was formless. Quickly his body began to solidify and within a fraction of a second he took his new form.

Jesus’ new body looked quite different from his old body. His hair was bleach blond and short. He wore it clumped together and spiked. His head was slightly rounder and his eyes were covered by dark black sunglasses. He was now more muscular. He wore a black leather jacket with silver studs and torn blue jeans. Jesus’ left arm appeared cybernetic. It was metallic, covered with circuits, and clicked mechanically as it moved.

"My name is Rex Turbo".

"What!" snapped Vince incredulously? "This is insane!"

"I am not the son of God…I need to move on…I need to start a new life for myself…my name is Rex Turbo."

"Jesus Christ!"

"No! My name is Rex Turbo."

"Jesus Christ! What about everything you’ve done? The son of God or not you can’t deny your past lives! You have a history! A past! You can’t ignore that!"

"You’re right," said Jesus thoughtfully. "I need to lay claim to my past lives. I can’t ignore my past. Even though I was not the son of God, I did think that I was and I did live a life…even if it was a lie…from now on I will be known as Rex Turbo ‘The King’…but you can call me Rex Turbo for short."

"But you’re the savior…you saved the souls of everyone on Earth. Have you forgotten that? Now this planet needs you…"

"I’ve spent all of my life helping others. How can you expect me to save this planet if I can’t even save myself? I need to do something for myself for once. I need to learn and grow. All my life I’ve been different. Just once I’d like to know how it feels to fit in. I want to be accepted…I want to be cool!"

"Jesus Christ Rex!"

"That’s Rex Turbo damn it."

"That’s what I meant…O.K. …then what are you going to do?"

"What do you mean what am I going to do? I’m going to get laid!"






For the first time since the two crusaders set foot on the "New World" Vince’s faith began to waiver. Vince didn’t know if he could allow himself to follow a leader that wanted to be known as Rex Turbo "The King". The whole thing seemed absurd and wrong. On the other hand Vince realized he had spent the last five years of his life following a guy named after the Hang-sus™ line of Jesus toys. Indeed life was absurd! And the more he thought about it, the more comfortable he became. Life was crazy and Vince had witnessed many crazy things. Was this any more absurd than Jesus’ court trial? Was it more absurd than the FBI™ framing of Leonard Peltier?

The one thing that bothered Vince the most about Jesus’ change of face was his new attitude. The Jesus that Vince loved and followed was a caring man who always put the needs of others in front of his own. Jesus never cared much what other people thought and always stood up for what was right. Though he was awkward he was well intentioned. Rex Turbo, on the other hand, was selfish, presumptuous, and vane. He cared more about getting a piece than world peace. As Vince walked with Rex Turbo down the boulevard he thought to himself. "Had Jesus Christ really sold out?"

"Ooo baby!" barked Rex Turbo as the two of them strolled past a woman walking in the opposite direction. She was a long legged brunet made by the Micronetics™ corporation.

"Fuck yourself!" she droned mechanically. She had been programmed by her high school sweetheart who always got drunk and beat her after he lost a football game.

"Spitfire! I like that!" howled Rex Turbo.

Vince rolled his eyes. "Shut up and leave her alone Rex! We’re in a big city! This place isn’t safe!"

It was true. Vince Bailey and Rex Turbo were in the red light district of the capitol of the "New World". The city was named after the pilot of the first spaceship from the U.S.A. INC™ to land on the "New World". Originally the pilot’s name was Jeff Thorp but he had changed it just before setting out to explore space. Wanting to be remembered in the history books Jeff Thorp knew he would need a new name, and wanting to be heroic Jeff named himself after his favorite twentieth century explorer, a man he had been taught was great. Vince Bailey and Rex Turbo were in the most dangerous neighborhood, of the largest city on the "New World". A city that held ten million people, Rex Turbo and Vince were in a city known as Christopher Columbus.

"This is a dangerous place," said Rex mockingly. "Dangerous is a word for wimps. We’re intergalactic heroes!"

As Rex Turbo and Vince continued down the boulevard they stopped to read a flyer that was hanging on a telephone pole:

Since the "New World" was mostly inhabited by the descendants of the consumers of the U.S.A. INC™ there were many similarities between the elections on the "New World" and those in the U.S.A. INC™. For example, on the "New World" there were only two political parties, both of which ran droids as candidates. The droids, of course, were programmed by public opinion probes. Even though the elections were similar they weren’t identical. On the "New World" the electoral college system had been replaced by a system known as "The Game". Every four years the citizens of the "New World" would elect android players for their favorite football teams. This was referred to as the "establishment phase of The Game". After the teams were established there would be a football game. Whichever team won would assume the office. The quarterback droid was always the president, the linebackers made up congress, and the remaining players were chief advisors. The Game was a media frenzy and was watched by everyone. Those who couldn’t afford tickets watched it over the internet. Though some people argued the system wasn’t democratic, that it would be more democratic to have a football season with many games between many different teams, these people were discredited by the media. They were referred to as radicals, extremists, and liberals.

"We’re there," said Rex as the two finished reading the flyer.

"What? Why? The system is oppressive! The two-football team system isn’t representative of the interests of the people. It represents big business and multinational…"

"It’s going to be a chick fest" interrupted Rex. "I wouldn’t miss it for anything."

"But…"

"Look!" snapped Rex Turbo. "I’ve been alone for thousands of years…I have no followers left, I’ve lost my identity, and I’m still a virgin! I owe it to myself to have a good time for a change. I’ve already saved one world! What else do you want from me?"

"Jesus…"

"Rex Turbo!"

"Rex…you’re losing sight of what’s important."

"You can fight politics, corporate exploitation, and corrupt government all you want, but if you’re not happy with yourself then you’ve lost the battle. I need to work on ME…I’m going to The Game with or without you so are you coming or not?"

"…I guess so" replied Vince weakly.

As Rex and Vince set out towards the Civic Auditorium Vince thought about things sadly. He was concerned for his friend. Rex Turbo seemed to have lost sight of what was important. On the Earth Rex had been a great man. But now he was acting like a spoiled rock star. It seemed Rex Turbo had lost touch with who he was. At the same time he had gained an identity he had lost an identity. Even though Jesus’ past life had been a lie Vince had always thought Jesus’ good heart and sincerity were real. It was Jesus’ compassion and love of humanity that had always attracted Vince. Despite the lies in the Bible™ Vince had always considered Jesus’ humanism to be real. As Vince thought about things he plummeted into a severe depression the likes of which he hadn’t seen since his days on Earth. "I wonder how my brother is doing?" said Vince out loud as he kicked an empty beer can on the ground.






Hue Bailey was consumed by rage. Having stolen the presidential droid’s space cruiser with barely enough time to escape the Earth with his life Hue had left Rex Turbo and Vince on the "New World" cursing them as "genocidal maniacs". Festering with anger, he had spent years drifting from place to place searching the galaxy for his apathy. Miranda was in love with him and stuck by his side through it all. Together the two of them scoured the Galaxy for apathy. Their efforts were in vane and the more they looked the angrier they became. Finding nothing Hue eventually decided it best to look for a job. He hoped a job might help him keep his mind off of all the problems of the Universe but he wasn’t sure where he should work. Having given it a lot of thought Hue eventually decided to look for work on the Foster Mother. He knew it would be easier to find work amongst his own people and besides he had heard a rumor about the "New World" that was worth looking into. While he was in a bar in the Ferendil Sector Hue had heard two aliens talking about the drinking water on the Foster Mother. Apparently the public drinking water was laden with apathy!

It was true. Though Hue didn’t know it scientists on the "New World" had discovered the chemical composition of human apathy. Shortly there after an ordinance had been passed making it mandatory that all public drinking water contain it. "From this point on no citizen shall lack the intrinsic emotion of apathy that is the underlying definition of our humanity" declared the presidential droid during a speech after he had passed the ordinance. He was wearing a RepubliCON™ football jersey. His arms made robotic clicking sounds as he made gestures of emphasis. "Apathy is the emotion that defines OUR HUMANITY!" he droned mechanically. The crowd screamed and applauded fervently as the President paused in his speech.

Had Hue been able to hear the President’s speech he would have been angered by the government’s blatant misuse of power and the crowd’s fervent support of such a corrupt system. But he also would have been a little happy to know that the ecstasy of not caring about all of the problems of the Universe awaited him on the Foster Mother. Anyhow for all Hue knew it was just a rumor but he longed for the days that he was pacified by the Internet, kept happy by mass media, and too busy at his subservient job too care about anything important. Caring was just to exhausting thus Hue decided to set out for the "New World" to find a job and hopefully an easier life. He hoped he would find his apathy on the Foster Mother.

Knowing that all workers were exploited by the upper class so that the rich could get richer while the poor only got poorer and knowing that no matter what, a worker never received the fruit of his labor making him a commodity, Hue refused to even consider a career. He knew he could never climb the corporate ladder. No matter how high he got, no matter how rich he got, he would always be nothing more than a pawn in the corporate game. Besides…the higher he got the more he would benefit from the labor of others. He would work less and gain more while the people that made it possible would starve in grass huts. Somehow it seemed wrong to him so he refused to even try and he decided to submit to a menial job. Upon arriving on the Foster Mother Hue found a job in a small diner in the largest city on the "New World. He was working as a waiter in the capitol of the "New World". He was in Christopher Columbus, the same city where he had left his brother and Jesus five years prior. Though he was still angry with his Vince for helping Jesus blow up the Earth he missed him. It had been too long since he had seen his brother. He did not miss Jesus Christ.






"How are you folks this evening?" asked Hue plainly. He was taking an order for a chubby young couple. The woman was more obese than the man. She had been special ordered from the Micronetics™ corporation for men who like heavier women and had been programmed by her boyfriend who liked to eat out a lot.

"Terrible" she droned mechanically.

"I’m sorry to hear that. I hope your experience here is a good one," said Hue. He was already so irate that his server tray was beginning to melt where his fingertips held it.

"It would be if we could get some service around here." Her eyes rolled in a cybernetic manner. "We’ve been sitting here for five minutes."

"I’m sorry mam. I’m kind of busy right now…I’m doing the best I…"

"I’ll have a Diet Coke™"

"Me too…and we’re ready to order."

"I want a triple cheeseburger with extra Mayonnaise™ on the side" demanded the woman.

"Me too…and could we get it sometime today. We’re in a hurry."

"Yea" said Hue rudely. His eyes flashed wildly, his voice was course and tense. As he walked into the back of the kitchen he started screaming and hitting the ice machine. He put three large dents in the side of it. "God damned cattle! Their souls will surely go to Hell!"

Though he had been on the "New World" for a week already, and he had been drinking nothing but public drinking water since his arrival, Hue’s rage still hadn’t subsided. It seemed his rage was too great to be conquered and even though he was putting mass amounts of human apathy into his body his anger was still strong. Frustrated Hue was beginning to realize that the government of the "New World" couldn’t help him. If anything it only made him angrier. The job wasn’t helping either. Though it did help him keep his mind off the world’s problems it forced him to focus on the incessant complaints and discomforts of the masses. Hue hated working with people. He saw them as ignorant, subservient, and robot-like. They lacked freedom, self-motivation, and free thought. They were unoriginal and unimaginative. Worse than that they supported the government. They believed in democracy. On the other hand maybe the drinking water was helping a little. After all normally Hue wouldn’t have lasted more than an hour at a job like this one.

Looking at the computer screen Hue quickly rang in the two triple cheeseburgers with extra Mayonnaise™. The cookbots began to make the order and Hue returned to the dining room. He had only been gone two minutes.

"Waiter!" droned the fat woman. "I want more Diet Coke™". Hue looked at her glass. Empty it sat on the table.

"Me too" complained her companion.

Hue returned thirty seconds later with two more Diet Cokes™. "Here you are folks…"

"Is our food going to be ready soon?"

"Yes" said Hue as he was walking away. He would put three more dents in the ice machine before he brought the food out. Three minutes later he returned with the food. "Anything else folks?"

"This isn’t enough Mayonnaise™ could we get a real side of Mayonnaise™."

"You sure can you fat pig!" snapped Hue. "Why do you even bother with the Diet Coke™? It’s not going to help you! You’ll always be nothing but swine! You’re not going to lose weight! Do you realize that? DO YOU REALIZE THAT? Do you realize how petty and insignificant your expectations are? There are people starving all across the Universe and there you sit fat and dissatisfied because you had to wait five minutes for a cheeseburger! Some people don’t eat for days!" As Hue spoke he began to levitate. His server tray melted into a ball of plastic and stuck to the floor. Indeed the apathy laden public drinking water was not influencing Hue much at all.

"Damn it Hue!" snapped his boss who was horrified to see the way Hue was carrying on in front of the customers. "Can I see you in my office?"

"Sure" said Hue as he dropped to the floor. He was still perturbed, his eyes burning with fire, but he felt a little better as he walked back to the office. It made him feel good to tell the customers how he felt about them.

"That’s the third time this week" snapped Hue’s boss. "If I wasn’t so understaffed I’d have fired you the first time!"

"Good…does that mean I can go?"

"Look…it’s hard to find good workers and you do a good job. But you need to watch your temper. I’m going to give you one more chance."

"Really" said Hue sarcastically. "That’s swell," he said in the same tone of voice.

"Now don’t get the wrong idea. I’m only doing this because I’m in a bind. Like I said if I could have I would have fired you the first time it happened. It’s just…this is the first year I’ve been able to secure a concessions stand at The Game and we need someone to sell hotdogs and beer in the stadium…"

"Great" said Hue sarcastically. "I wouldn’t miss it for the world."

"No one else will do it. Everyone has tickets…even I have tickets…and no one wants to work during The Game. The Game is just too important. Anyhow if you will work the game you can keep your job…but Hue…you’ve got to watch your temper."

Hue thought about it for a moment. Though his rage hadn’t subsided he did feel, though ever so slightly, more at peace than he had before. He was angry this was true but maybe he was a little less angry. After all before he came to the Foster Mother he never would have lasted a week at a job like this one. Though he was sure that his rage was still strong, he considered the possibility that his apathy might be returning slowly.

"Yea" said Hue bitterly. "I’ll do it."

"Good. As you know The Game is tomorrow at seven o’ clock. You’ll need to be there two hours early to get ready. Remember, this is your last chance."






Working at The Game was clearly not going to help Hue to keep his job. He was irate immediately upon arrival and had become angrier prior to the start of The Game. Before the coin toss and the opening kick off each of the presidential droid candidates were allowed to speak for their team. It had always been the tradition. The first to speak was the RepubliCON™ quarterback George "The Hammer" Cornell.

"On the verge of this grand election I have but one thing to say" shouted the android into the microphone. His image was projected onto a giant view screen so that everyone in the stadium could see him. He was wearing the RepubliCON™ football jersey and had a red bandanna tied around his forehead. His voice was blasted over a gigantic speaker system. "DemocratiCONS™…WHAT YA GONNA DO WHEN THESE ARMS GO WILD ON YOU!"

As he paused half of the crowd cheered fervently while the other half booed and hissed. Everyone was waving signs and banners that were red white and blue. On the signs it was either written "Vote RepubliCON™" or "Vote DemocratiCON™". As Hue was selling hotdogs he looked on in horror. "I am against abortion," said the RepubliCON™ quarterback quickly as he stepped down from the microphone. Again half of the crowd cheered while the other half booed and hissed.

Next it was the DemocratiCON™ quarterback’s turn to speak. His name was Dean Razor. As he waited for the screaming of the crowd to die down he stared into the camera with crazy eyes while his mechanics made intense electronic hissing sounds that sounded like heavy breathing. He was wearing the DemocratiCON™ football jersey and had a blue bandanna tied around his forehead. When the crowd was silent enough he began to speak. "HAMMER…LOOK AT THIS" he said as he paced back and forth in front of the camera flaunting his sleek, silver, robot body. "YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TO FEAR…AFTER THIS GAME YOU WILL BE THE BROKEN HAMMER!" Again the crowd reacted the same. When the cheering died down Dean Razor spoke again. "I am pro choice," he said quickly as he rushed away from the microphone.

The DemocratiCONS™ won the coin toss and were to receive the opening kick off. As Hue walked up the flight of stairs selling hotdogs he tried not to think about the elections. He hoped that by focusing on his work he could avoid the anger that was beginning to surface from within. He didn’t want to think about The Game nor did he want to think about the fact that millions of people were watching it believing in democracy. As he continued up the long flight of stairs Hue longed for his apathy to return. He just wanted to forget about everything.

"Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs! We have hotdogs! We have candy! We have popcorn!"






Rex Turbo and Vince were sitting three hundred rows up from Hue watching The Game. Rex Turbo was holding his hands, now shaped like binoculars, up to his face. He was pretending to see things better. If Rex Turbo would have understood the mechanics of binoculars he really would have been able to see things better. If he understood the principals of binoculars he would have been able to morph his hands into usable binoculars. As it was, however, Rex Turbo did not understand how binoculars worked. He only knew how they were shaped and he only used them because he thought they made him look better. Of course The Game was projected on the view screen so that everyone could see well but many people brought binoculars anyhow.

"Hey baby" said Rex looking at the girl sitting next to him through his "binoculars". She had long, sleek, brownish red, hair and was only wearing a skintight tank top and shorts. Though Rex didn’t know it she wasn’t even wearing underwear. She giggled robot-like as Rex talked to her through his "binoculars".

"What’s your name honey?"

"C-A-N-D-Y"

"Ooo that’s sweet"

"He, he, he, he…can I borrow your binoculars" she droned hollowly as she mechanically fluttered her eyelashes and tilted her head.

"Ugh…I don’t know…ugh."

"Please!"

"OK" said Rex as he held the "binoculars" in front of her face.

"They don’t work!"

As Candy was holding the "binoculars" she was sliding her fingers around, trying to make them work. Rex Turbo was nervous. He knew they didn’t work. At the same time he had never been touched by a female in this way. Not knowing what to do, exactly, he tried to imagine how they might work. He had to do something.

Nervously Rex Turbo was trying to form the internal structure of the binoculars but it was difficult. He had only just begun to learn how to shape shift. At the same time he had only just begun to embrace his sexuality. Tense, worried, and even embarrassed, Rex Turbo couldn’t handle it. As he tried to change the internal structure of the binoculars he lost control. The "binoculars" turned into formless blobs and Candy’s hands were enveloped by a mass of goo.

"God damn it" cursed Rex Turbo as Candy ran away screaming in terror.

"You sure have a way with the ladies" said Vince.






At halftime the RepubliCONS™ were winning by one point. The DemocratiCONS™ had missed the extra point kick and the score was seven to six. Quickly the players cleared the field to make way for the half time spectacle. The show was the same as it was every election year. Women wearing bikinis red, white, and blue took their places on the field. When the music started they began to dance while doing highly specialized acrobatics. Explosions of sparks, the colors of the flag, burst upwards from the ground. The music, of course, was a highly elaborate version of the national anthem. As the women were dancing the music resonated through the stadium and everyone in the crowd stood up, taking their hats off to salute.

According to the ten million and twenty-second amendment to the constitution of the U.S.A. INC™, the same constitution used on the "New World", it was against the law not to stand and remove one’s hat during the national anthem. The crime of failing to take off one’s hat and stand during the national anthem was known as "insubordination" and was punishable by ninety days in jail. It was also a social taboo not to comply.

As the crowd looked on joyfully many people were actually crying. They were crying tears of pride. They were proud of their nation. They were proud of their government and they were proud of the growing economy. They believed in democracy.

Almost as soon as the halftime show had started it was winding to an end and as the last words of the song were sung the crowd began to cheer zealously. "For the land of the free…and the home of the brave." At the exact moment of the songs ending the head dancer spoke loudly and confidently into her microphone.

"Always drink Coca Cola™" she said. She smiled. The crowd erupted into a chorus of cheers and applause.

The halftime show made Hue Bailey rabid with hostility. It angered him to see so much earnest public support of a political system so corrupt. He couldn’t believe how many people actually believed. They were like guppies in a fish tank and they loved the hand that fed them. They didn’t know there was an ocean outside the aquarium. They didn’t know the guppy food was toxic and stolen from the arduous labor of millions. They didn’t know they were bait.

As Hue slowly trudged upwards he hoped his apathy would return to him soon. "If it doesn’t come back soon I’ll never make it through this game" he said to himself as he took a gulp of public drinking water from a canteen. Since his arrival on the "New World" he was always carrying apathy-laden drinking water. He just wanted some peace of mind.

"Hey Mr." Shouted a man from the stands. "Give me seven of them."

"Seven what?" answered Hue.

"What do you think idiot? Seven hotdogs!"

"I also have popcorn, candy, soda and brats" said Hue so as to explain his question.

"Give me seven hotdogs," said the man impatiently. "I don’t care about that other crap."

If Hue’s apathy was returning, it wasn’t returning fast enough. As he handed the man his hotdogs Hue’s hands were trembling with rage.

"Woe buddy! You need to cool it on the coffee" said the man in a superior manner. "Ha, ha, ha hey honey look at this. His hands are shaken like a pocket full of change in an earthquake." Hue’s face was blazing with anger as he took the man’s money and continued upwards towards the top of the stadium.

When Hue had first lost his apathy he had been out of control. He was so angry all of the time that it was dangerous for him to be in public. He had a hard time holding it together. Always at the brink of exploding, the slightest thing would have set him off, but as time went on Hue had gotten better at controlling his hostility. Yet…he still had his limits. As the players took the field and resumed play Hue was at the brink of losing control. For the sake of his quest for apathy, his peace of mind, Hue was holding it together…but just barely.






The second half of The Game was close and as the two teams battled tenaciously for victory there was little scoring. In the third quarter no scores were made and so far in the fourth quarter the RepubliCONS™ had only managed to kick a field goal. As Rex Turbo and Vince watched The Game the crowd became extremely excited. RepubliCON™ fans cheered fervently when their team made a good play and hissed when they thought the referee had made a bad call. The DemocratiCON™ fans followed respectively.

For the entire fourth quarter the voices of the internet broadcasters were transmitted over the speaker system to add to the cinematic and climatic quality of The Game. Each play was shown on the stadium screen so everyone could see well and as the two-minute warning approached people were at the edges of their seats. All eyes were on the stadium screen.

"Johnson taken down at the fifteen yard line."

"That was fourth down for the RepubliCONS™ and it looks like it’s time for the two minute warning."

"The RepubliCONS™ are up by four points with only two minutes remaining in The Game.

"It looks like the DemocratiCONS™ will have another shot at this game Tom."

"We’ll see if they can pull it off after these messages from your local sponsors."

The teams went for a brief time out, a commercial for Coke™ filled the stadium screen and then having just allowed enough time for everyone to buy a hotdog, The Game was back in progress. Vince watched on with abject disgust. "The elections are wretched," he said.

"Yea they are" replied Rex Turbo. "The women here are ugly."

Sadly Vince looked down at the ground. He wished his brother was with him to witness the event and he wondered if even his brother could set Rex Turbo straight. "If I didn’t know better I’d say you were becoming one of them."

"One of who?"

"One of THEM" said Vince. "Ever since you transformed into Rex Turbo you’ve been acting like the rest of the consumers of this planet. Have you forgotten what you used to believe in?"

"Well…no…it’s…"

"It’s what? It’s just that you only care about yourself. Look! Just because you’re not the son of God doesn’t mean you have to abandon everything you stand for. I know you’re angry…but you have to focus. You can’t let go of what you were…what you are…you are the savior."

"I’m nothing" pouted Rex Turbo as he glanced up at the screen. The volume on the speakers had suddenly been boosted and the broadcaster’s voices were louder. For the moment Rex Turbo and Vince focused their attention on The Game.

"Can you believe that play Tom?"

"Wow! Unbelievable! And now with under a minute left in The Game the DemocratiCONS™ are at first and ten."

"Wait a minute! What do we have here?"

"It would seem there’s a slight disturbance in the upper section C of the stadium" said the announcer as the camera zoomed in on the subject. It was Hue Bailey!

"Ha, ha, ha. I’m sure it’s nothing serious Tom."

"Ha, ha, ha. That’s right Bob. It’s nothing the ENFORCERS™ can’t handle."

Hue Bailey had sold his last hotdog. His eyes were not only glowing red, at this point there were orange and yellow flames flickering across them. He was levitating up the stairs. "God damned guppies!" he growled. His voice was contorted like that of a person in an exorcism.

Whenever Hue underwent an anger transformation his senses were always at a heightened state of being. His sense of hearing, for example, was at a superhuman level. As he continued to levitate upwards he was enveloped by a red force field, a projection of his anger, and he discarded the box of hotdogs he was carrying. "I quit" he grumbled. It was a miracle he had lasted as long as he had.

Blinded by anger, Hue wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. He knew he wasn’t in the best place to transform yet it was out of his control. His rage had pushed him to the point of action yet he wasn’t sure what should be done. He was acting irrationally. As he continued to levitate he listened to the voices of the Internet broadcasters. This only made him more furious.

"Look!" shouted Vince. "That’s my brother."

"He certainly is unmistakable" replied Rex.

"Let’s go!"

"What? Where?"

"Hue might need our help," shouted Vince.

"I don’t think Hue needs anyone’s help" grumbled Rex Turbo. "The only people who might need help are the people who mess with him."

"We’ve got to get him out of here! Let’s go! Do it for Miranda!"

"Miranda!" shouted Rex.

Quickly the two crusaders dashed into action. Running down the stairs towards Hue they could see him. He wasn’t far below and he was unmistakable. As they came upon the scene Hue was already under fire from three ENFORCERS™. Two of the ENFORCERS™ were on the other side of Hue. They were shooting up the stairs at him but none of their laser blasts could pierce Hue’s anger propelled force field.

The other ENFORCER™ had his back turned to the two crusaders and was shooting down the stairs. As they approached the ENFORCER™ cautiously Rex Turbo’s right arm became formless as he was in the process transforming it. Quickly his arm re-solidified as an aluminum baseball bat.

"Hey robot head" said Vince while tapping the ENFORCER™ on the shoulder. As the ENFORCER™ spun to see what was happening behind him, he met with an aluminum baseball bat his circuits left sparking on the ground.

"Brother! It’s been a long time."

For a moment Hue’s anger subsided slightly. "Vince" he said as his eyes dimmed just a little, but before his anger withdrew there was still the matter of the laser blasts barraging him from behind. It was a persistent nagging sensation that did nothing but fuel his rage. As his anger wavered ever so slightly, for just a moment, one of the laser blasts pushed it’s way through Hue’s anger propelled force field with just enough strength to leave a laser burn on his back. This did nothing to help the ENFORCERS™.

"Damned worms!" screamed Hue. His words were scorching the ENFORCERS™ with a fury of animosity. Looking at them with fierce disdain Hue’s eyes sent out a blast of concentrated malice leaving nothing of the ENFORCERS™ but a pile of charred scrap metal. Satisfied Hue dropped to the ground. His eyes still red, he was angry, but he felt a little better.

Looking down the stairs the three crusaders could see more ENFORCERS™ running their way. "We’ve got to get out of here!" shouted Vince.

"Three to beam up" said Hue after hitting his Star Trek com badge. Nothing happened. "Damn!" he cursed. "They have it blocked!"

"What are we going to do!" screamed Rex.

"I don’t know" growled Hue. "If we make it closer to the top of the stadium I might be able to get us out of here."

"Might be able to" complained Rex.

"Let’s go!" hollered Vince.

Surprisingly, throughout the gunfight most people had been too enwrapped by The Game to care or even notice what was going on. All eyes were fixed on the stadium screen. As the three crusaders fled upwards they couldn’t help but notice that no one was watching them. Though they had thought they had made a large scene it seemed that the only recognition they had gotten besides the brief comment from the Internet broadcasters was from the ENFORCERS™. As the crusaders ran upwards they could hear the internet broadcasters calling The Game play by play.

"Third down and four. There’s thirty seconds left on the clock with one time out remaining and the balls’ snapped back to Razor. Razor looks to Edison. HE THROWS THE BALL TO JHONSON! Pass incomplete. ...and the DemocratiCONS™ use their final time out."

"Wow this is something!"

"This really is a close game."

"That’s right Bob. As a matter of fact this is the closest election game since the RepubliCONS™ played the DemocratiCONS™ sixteen years ago at Lincoln stadium."

"And it looks like the players are taking the field…this will be the last play of The Game."

As the Crusaders were running up the stairs the ENFORCERS™ were closing the gap. In a mad storm of laser blasts the crusaders were nearing the top of the stadium. But the ENFORCERS™ were right behind them. Upon reaching the top the crusaders would not have much time.

"Hut one! Hut two! Hut three! Hut! Hut! Hut!"

"And the balls’ snapped back to Razor. What’s this! This can’t be!"

"It’s the old Statue of Liberty! And the balls’ handed off to Richardson. Richardson at the three."

"No! What’s that? It was a fake!"

"Razors still got it! IT’S A QUARTERBACK SNEAK! RAZOR AT THE THREE! RAZOR CROSSING THE ENDZONE. TOUCHDOWN!"

"TOUCHDOWN! AND THE DEMOCRATICONS™ WIN IT"

"The DemocratiCONS™ have won The Game! Dean Razor has just become the president of the ‘New World’! This really is a memorable day for democracy!"

As Dean Razor crossed into the endzone Vince Bailey looked over his shoulder to see the image of the presidential quarterback strutting across the endzone on the view screen. Upon making the touchdown Dean Razor began prancing around while bobbing his head up and down like a rooster. Quickly he spiked the football down on the ground and held his hands above his head. While doing a little dance Dean Razor bowed and began wobbling his knees. The crowd was cheering.

The crusaders reached the top of the stadium with no time to spare. As Hue tried to get a response from his Star Trek com badge Vince and Rex watched the nearing ENFORCERS™ despairingly. Even with Hue’s anger they knew there was no way they could blast their way out of this one. Hopeless and trapped the crusaders had nowhere to go.






One mile from the Civic Auditorium an ENFORCER™ walked his two prisoners at gunpoint. The prisoners were an exhausted Hue and Vince Bailey who had already been through multiple gunfights, a chase, and one hell of a fight. Their hands were tied behind their backs with glowing green laser wire and they were wearing white cloth tied around their heads execution style. The ENFORCER™ was shouting insults at them while they were walking.

"So you thought you could get away with crimes against the state?" chattered the ENFORCER™ electronically.

"Shut up android breath" replied Hue loudly.

"If you don’t want to settle this in front of the judge we can settle this right here" laughed the ENFORCER™ sardonically.

"Go to the left" whispered Hue under his breath just loud enough for the ENFORCER™ to hear. The ENFORCER™ looked behind himself to see if anyone was watching. There was a security GAURD™ at a storefront watching them. He was smiling sadistically.

"Ok we can settle this right here" boasted the ENFORCER™ loudly as they turned into a dull alley.

"Do you need some help" shouted the security GAURD™. He was grinding his fist into the palm of his hand.

"With these two sissies…ha, ha, ha. I think not!" laughed the ENFORCER™. "Maybe with the cleanup."

"O.K. Have it your way" shouted the security GAURD™ as the ENFORCER™ walked the Bailey brothers into the alley.

As soon as the ENFORCER™, Hue and Vince left the sight of the security GAURD™ Hue began to speak. "I think it’s safe now."

The ENFORCER™ began to twist and liquefy like a piece of wax melting slowly at a flame. Formless, for a moment he became a distorted mass, and then his shape began to take hold. He was Rex Turbo. "I’m starting to like the new me" he said.

"Me too" grumbled Hue who had been impressed by the "son of God" for the first time.

Though it had been Rex Turbo’s shape-shifting capability that had gotten the crusaders out of the Civic Auditorium, it had been Vince’s idea. After having reached the top of the stadium the crusaders had nowhere to go. While Hue cursed at his Star Trek com badge Vince held the ENFORCERS™ off with a gun he had picked up from the officer Rex had taken down. Eventually Hue was grazed by a laser blast, making him angry enough to help the crusaders fight through the first wave of ENFORCERS™ . Ending up one level down the crusaders took refuge behind a concession stand where Vince came up with the idea. They quickly stripped off their undershirts and tied them around their heads while Rex Turbo made the transformation. When asked who the prisoners were Rex had claimed he busted them sitting during the national anthem. "They are communists" he said.

"Very well" said the lead ENFORCER™. "We are looking for some dissident rebels. Have you seen them?"

Rex Shook his head. "No."






Hue led the crusaders through the dark alley. It was already getting late and they knew they needed to get off the street…maybe even the planet. If someone from The Game were to identify them they would have more unwanted problems. They hadn’t planned on becoming fugitives again. Rex Turbo had only wanted to meet a nice girl and Hue had only wanted to find his apathy. Vince had started the day abject and depressed.

Though Hue had just arrived on the "New World" he had already managed to secure an apartment, which was more than Rex and Vince had been able to do during the five years they had spent on the planet. "It’s just up ahead" said Hue. The dim glow of his eyes lit the dark alley just enough for the crusaders to see the roaches on the walls.

"That’s nice" said Rex Turbo.

"Yea…swell" said Vince sadly. Though assuming a leadership roll earlier had brightened his day just a little, he was back to his normal self. He was depressed about a great many things but was focusing most of his thoughts on The Game. "Politics are wretched."

Hue, Vince and Rex Turbo entered the apartment quietly. As far as they knew they had gone unnoticed. Inside Miranda was smiling from ear to ear. "I watched The Game on the internet" she said. "Oh Hue I’m so happy."

Though Miranda had supported Hue on his quest for apathy she had never shared in his ideology. After all she had fallen in love with him because he was different from everyone else. She was in love with Hue the freedom fighter, Hue the humanist, and Hue the compassionate. She stood by his side because she loved him but she was afraid she would lose him if he regained his apathy. The last thing she wanted was for Hue to resign himself as a waiter and become subservient to the state.

"I saw your little episode at The Game…I’m so proud of you! I knew they wouldn’t catch you! And look! You’re with your brother again. I’m so happy! And who’s your handsome friend Vince?" Miranda was grinning as she looked Rex Turbo up and down. "I’m so glad you ditched that dork Jesus. God he was an idiot!"

With a sad look in his eye Vince looked down at the floor. He didn’t know what to say. "Ugh."
"It’s O.K." said Rex as he changed into his old body and then back again. "My name is Rex Turbo, formerly known as Jesus Christ…at your services" he said as he stooped down to kiss Miranda’s hand.

"Holy shit!" roared Miranda. She was laughing hysterically. "Rex Turbo? That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard in my life! Ha, ha, ha! What are you going for? What a trashy, pseudo sci-fi, wannabe futuristic, absurd name!"

"Ugh" bumbled Rex as he was overtaken with embarrassment. He was staring at the floor like a dog being scolded for letting his bowel move on the new carpet. Feeling sad about the comment and knowing that Rex had deep feelings for Miranda, Vince reacted the same way.

"That’s enough!" snapped Hue. "If it wasn’t for Rex here we would have been blasted to bits. Rex Turbo saved my ass back there."

"Thank you Rex Turbo" said Miranda gratefully. She leaned down and kissed his hand. "If you saved my Hue then you can’t be all that bad…you just have a bad name." As she walked into the kitchen Miranda continued to laugh to herself.

Hue’s apartment was small but cozy. Softly glowing lamps illuminated the rooms with a gentle radiance that made visitors feel comfortable at once. An ovular rug covered a hardwood floor in the living room. There was a coffee table in front of a shaggy old couch. "I like this place" said Vince as he and Rex Turbo sat down on the couch. Hue sat down in a big fluffy gray chair. It was his reading chair.

"Yea…we don’t have much but we try to keep it cozy for grumpy over there" answered Miranda.
As the crusaders sat down they immediately began to discuss their next move. Miranda poured everyone a cup of black coffee and sat down on the reading chair next to Hue. "Don’t tell me we’re going to have to save this planet too" complained Rex Turbo in a spoiled voice. Hue glared at him savagely.

"This place is no different from Earth. Though I don’t think that blowing it up is the right solution I can’t imagine how we could save it" stated Miranda directly. "This broken legged horse seems beyond our help".

"Maybe if we concentrate on making ourselves better people we can make the world a better place by setting a good example" said Vince sensibly.

"If we show too much kindness we’ll be persecuted as communists" said Hue angrily. "Besides I don’t think they can learn."

"Is it in their programming to learn kindness?" asked Vince.

"History would tell us no…but I have seen kindness…it isn’t common but it exists" said Hue.

"Maybe education is the answer" announced Miranda. "If we could teach them…"

"Education is controlled by global corporations and is usedto perpetuate the system of private property. Students are trained to provide a useful service for a company. They aren’t taught to think" said Hue.

"You’ve got to become the system to change the system" blurted out Rex Turbo without giving it a single thought.

"O.K. Rex Turbo" said Miranda.

"I wish I could be so optimistic" slurred Vince depressively.

"I’m afraid ‘the system’ would only devour us" barked Hue.

"Fight the power" shouted Rex Turbo.

"Do you think violence the answer?" asked Vince abjectly.

"In the social history of man it has almost always been the violent revolutions that have brought on great change. Though there are exceptions like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. it has usually been violence that has forced the world to change…but I don’t think violence is the answer. War is ugly. It scars everything it touches. There is already too much violence in the world we need not contribute. Though I am extremely angry and would like to smash the ENFORCERS™, the RepubliCONS™, the DemocratiCONS™, and the McDonalds™ corporation in a wicked rage fire of hatred, I don’t think it is the right path. I would rather channel my anger in a different direction."

"Does this mean you’re not going to continue your quest for apathy?" asked Miranda intuitively.

"It is my deepest wish and desire to regain my apathy. I want nothing more than peace of mind but I am beginning to realize there are larger issues at stake here. I hope that some day I may regain my apathy but I understand now it is a dream. I need my anger for the battle. It will be my tool. I will use it to bring change."

Hue’s little speech brought smiles to all of the crusader’s faces, even Vince’s. Hue was their leader and they applauded him. "We are glad to hear that" said Miranda.

"But it still remains to be decided…what is our next move?" asked Vince.

"There hasn’t been a strong third political party in this wretched country for thousands of years. We will start a new party. I will run for president during the next elections."

"But it isn’t allowed" complained Miranda.

"No one will support it" complained Vince "We’ll be fighting against generations of socialization."

"We will teach them that it’s not only O.K. but desperately needed" answered Hue. "Of course we’ll need to remain underground for awhile…we’re going to make this country a democracy!"

"What will we call the new party" asked Miranda.

"We will call it human" replied Hue.

"The Human Party!" proclaimed the crusaders in unison. "The Human Party!"






That night, after the crusaders had put themselves to sleep, Hue shot out of bed. He had been sleeping with Miranda in the bedroom. Rex Turbo and Vince were asleep in the living room. It was three o’ clock A.M. "What is it Hue baby?" asked Miranda drearily. Hue’s glowing red eyes light up the room like a candle.

"Do you hear that?" he asked.

Loud thumping noises were coming from the roof. "Yea" said Miranda. "It sounds like somebody is on the roof."

Quietly Hue and Miranda slipped into the living room. Vince and Rex Turbo were already awake. They were looking up at the ceiling with somber expressions on their faces. "What do you think it is?" asked Vince.

"I don’t know" answered Hue. "It could be the ENFORCERS™…we’d better check it out."

Reluctantly the crusaders filed out the window onto the fire escape. The sky was clear, the moon was full, and the crusaders could see well as they began their ascent. Hue was the first one up, followed by Vince, Miranda and Rex Turbo. When the crusaders climbed onto the roof they were shocked at what they saw.

With a big, brown, burlap sack slung over his shoulder, it was a fat man with a long, scruffy, white beard. He was wearing a red suit lined with white cuffs. A triangular red hat topped his head and small rectangular glasses sat on the tip of his nose. He was just getting out of his sleigh, pulled by robotic reindeer, and was mumbling to himself when he noticed the crusaders. "Ho, ho, ho! Happy holidays!" he shouted. The crusaders recognized him immediately.

"Karl Marx!" shouted Vince. "What are you doing here?"

"Uncle Karl! Uncle Karl!" shouted the unwanted step son of God.

"What brings you to the ‘New World’?" asked Hue with curiosity.

"Ho, ho, ho! It’s good to see you!" huffed Karl Marx. "I’m redistributing the wealth!"

"You’re what?"

"I’m redistributing the wealth! As I told you when I last saw you. I had to leave the kingdom of Gary…I mean God…whatever. Anyhow I spent some time in Hell. It was nice there until the Earth exploded. By the way Jesus your mother is very angry with you."

"My name is Rex Turbo now."

"Ho, ho, ho! O.K. Rex Turbo. Anyhow with all of the God forsaken souls in Hell I had to get out of there. The beaches were getting too crowded and I decided it was time to do something good for a change. Besides your mother has decided to start reincarnating again."

"What?" screamed Rex Turbo. "She can’t! Where will she send them?"

"She’s going to send them here you idiot!" snapped Hue. He was agitated by Rex Turbo’s lack of reasoning.

"That’s right! Ho, ho, ho! I decided it would be a good idea to start the redistribution of wealth while the planet is still young. I’d like to get a good start before the other souls get here. It will only get harder with more people."

"Would you like to come inside and have something to eat?" asked Miranda politely. "We don’t have a whole lot but we can share what we have. I think I can scrounge up some milk and cookies."

If it had been lighter outside the crusaders would have seen Karl Marx’s face turn green. They had no idea how much milk and cookies he had already eaten that night. "Ugh…"

"Come on in" said Rex Turbo.

"Ugh…no thanks…I really have to be going…ugh…I have to redistribute a lot of wealth tonight…I don’t have much time…"

"Are you sure?" asked Miranda. "It’s no problem…really."

"Yea…I’m sure" he said and with that he climbed into his sleigh. The robot reindeer moved mechanically as Karl Marx got ready for take off. "On Dancetron, on Prancetron, on Comet, on Qtron" and he flew away into the night sky. He flew low so as to avoid radar.

The next day when the crusaders awoke they were surprised to find a large box poorly wrapped in newspaper under a small but neatly decorated tree. There was tinsel on the walls and mistletoe hanging on the ceiling. On the top of the box was a card:

I hope you can use this for the revolution.
I wish I could give more but there are
many people out there that are poorer than you.
I wish you the best of luck on
initiating social change
And I hope your political party is a success.
If it doesn’t work out I will help you
overthrow the government.
Big Brother is watching you!
Merry Christmas!


Your friend,
Karl Marx

"Can I open it? Can I open it? Can I open it?" shouted Rex Turbo. He was acting like a spoiled child. "Please!"

"O.K." said Hue gruffly.

Quickly Rex Turbo began to claw at the paper like a cat clawing at a scratching post. In less than a second the box was opened. Inside was a brand new computer with a printer and accessories.

"Lame!" pouted Rex Turbo. "This is stupid! What are we going to use this for?"

"Damn it!" snapped Hue. "You ungrateful little brat! It’s perfect! We can use it to make campaign posters, web sights, and propaganda. We can even use it to break into government computer files!"

"Yea…I guess so…" droned Rex Turbo. "It’s better than cloths."






After the visit from Karl Marx the crusaders set out down the campaign trail. Using Hue’s apartment as a base of operations they set out to do the very difficult if not impossible. They set out to change society. Three years later they had a miniscule following made up of social outcasts and "political extremists". Slowly but surely they were gathering enough players for a football team. Though things were looking better, the crusaders were still a long way from meeting their goals.

Though they were gaining a small following, perhaps enough to start a football team, they didn’t have a place to practice. It was hard to play football inconspicuously and the Human Party was on the constant run from the ENFORCERS™. Even though the Human Party had made itself known to a great many people, it wasn’t known by the majority. Indeed more people despised the Human Party than supported it. Critics called the Human Party "unpatriotic".

Despite the fact that the odds were not in their favor the crusaders worked diligently to bring social change. The computer, given to them by Marx, proved to be an integral part of the movement and a useful tool for the campaign. The crusaders used it for everything from making campaign posters and web sites to searching the Internet for information about global corporations. Rex Turbo used it to play video games. "Woe! This game rules!" he shouted one day as he was playing a game called "Multinational Soldier".

"Damn it!" snapped Hue. "Did you download another video game off the internet?"

"Ugh… no."

"Damn it! Can’t you do anything constructive? Look…I was just about to head out to do some campaigning. Would you like to come with and help?" Just as he finished asking Miranda and Vince walked into the room.

"Where are you guys going" asked Miranda eagerly.

"Out campaigning…do ya wanna come" asked Rex invitingly. He was smiling stupidly.

Unfortunately Rex Turbo was still in love with Miranda and despite the fact she thought he was an idiot he cared for her deeply. Although he knew she didn’t want anything to do with him he couldn’t help but love her. Sadly Miranda was in love with Hue Bailey who had confessed to Rex upon one occasion that "she was a nice girl but he didn’t love her". From time to time Hue would get sick of her and would just want her to leave. Of course he would never tell her so. He told Rex Turbo instead.

"I want to go too" said Miranda. "I’ve been cramped up in this house too long."

"Me too" droned Vince. "It might be dangerous".

"Your so sweet Vince but I’ve got my Hue baby to protect me."

"No…maybe they’ll kill me. I want to go to Hell" he complained sadly. "I hate this place."

Usually the crusaders didn’t go out all together. They were afraid of the ENFORCERS™ and the FBI™. Larger groups might draw unwanted attention. Of course the right kind of attention was good, after all they were campaigning, but they had to be careful too. If the ENFORCERS™ were to catch them hanging up posters or speaking publicly about the third party, they would be in trouble. Despite the risk they decided to go out together anyhow. There was a lot of work to be done. The Election Game was drawing near and they still hadn’t been able to schedule a tournament. If they didn’t get more attention they wouldn’t be allowed to play against the DemocratiCONS™ and the RepubliCONS™.

Together the four crusaders set out to do some heavy campaigning. As they walked down the sidewalk they took powerful strides. When they went out in public they always wore black hooded sweatshirts with the hoods up in order to cover their faces. Hue was wearing black sunglasses to hide his radiant eyes. Miranda wore a baseball cap low on her head for the same purpose.

As the four crusaders were turning a corner they overheard two people talking about the Human Party. They were both businessmen wearing dark suites and both of them were holding newspapers. Inconspicuously the crusaders stopped to listen.

"I’ve heard the leaders of the Human Party are communists."

"Bah! Communists! They’re not communists, they’re humanists!"

"Communism, humanism, what’s the difference? It’s the same thing! It’s a good idea on paper but it doesn’t work."

"Yea…humanism isn’t practical…"

"It’s not realistic…it goes against human nature."

"That’s for sure."

Before Hue could make a scene Vince and Miranda were able to convince him to move on. As the crusaders continued down the street they hung posters for the Human Party on walls and put flyers on cars…even on the "New World" mankind was still using automobiles.

Hue was hanging the mission statement of the Human Party next to the posters. Written under the mission statement was the dictionary definition of the word democracy:

As the crusaders worked their way through the streets they realized they were approaching Central Park, a park well known for political manifestations, they decided to check it out. As they came upon the park they noticed a large group of women gathered around two robotic figures campaigning for the DemocratiCONS™. The robots both had shiny silver faces and were wearing wigs. The older looking robot, created by the Micronetics™ corporation and programmed by public opinion probes, bore a recognizable resemblance to Dean Razor. She was his mother. The other robot was his wife.

Though the consumers didn’t know it the two female robots had been created solely for the campaign and had never previously existed. They existed solely for the purpose of rallying the support of women. As Dean Razor’s mother and wife were speaking they were each holding signs:

While the two women spoke the crusaders looked on with disgust.

"The DemocratiCON™ party supports women!" droned Dean Razor’s mother as she twisted her head mechanically to survey the crowed. Her different parts made robotic clicking sounds as she moved to shift her weight.

"Women are the backbone of this company…company…company…company
…company…company…" As Dean Razor’s wife was speaking something had caused a glitch in the speech functions of her computer. It was a problem not too uncommon.

"We are the women of this company! AND WE MUST BE RECONED WITH!" screamed Dean Razor’s mother.

"Company…company…company…company…company…"

"WE WILL NOT BE IGNORED!"

"Company…company…company…"

As the president’s mother paused in her speech she turned her head to look at her companion.

"Company…company…company…"

With an awkward movement of her arm, Dean Razor’s mother swatted his wife in the back of the head. Her arm made the sound of a power drill as it reached up to connect. The sound of metal clunking against metal resonated as a few sparks jumped from Dean Razor’s wife’s head.

"Company…company…ooo…thank you"

Both of the women were smiling plastically.

As Hue Bailey was watching the women speak his anger began to show through his sunglasses. "I must speak" said Hue taking strides towards the podium. As he approached the group he began his speech.

"Look at them!" he screamed. His eyes were shining radiantly. "THEY ARE ROBOTS!" As he approached the crowd people started screaming fervidly.

"It’s him!"

"It’s Hue Bailey! He’s from the Human Party!"

"COMMUNIST!"

"LIBERAL!"

"TERRORIST!

"Communist scum!"

Although Hue knew it was going to be a difficult battle he thought he had made more progress. Though he knew his following was small and his support weak he didn’t expect to be received so poorly. He had held off on public speaking for this very reason but as the elections drew closer he realized he had to do more. He thought the public was ready for him. As he spoke he became angrier.

"Look at me! I am human! I have thoughts and emotions! I am made of flesh and blood! I am a human! I believe humans should be represented by humans in government! Is that so wrong? In this ‘democracy’ humans are represented in government by robots working for multinational corporations! THAT IS WRONG!"

As Hue was speaking he noticed he was beginning to win over some of the people in the crowd. More people were beginning to gather around but it wasn’t enough. Before he could finish, or even start, he would find himself in yet another battle with the ENFORCERS™ but this time it was different. Though he didn’t know it, this time the ENFORCERS™ had come prepared.

At once the crusaders were caught in a storm of laser blasts. There were explosions all around and fire had broken out to the left of the them. In the moment of the attack Vince Bailey was hit in the arm and had fallen to the ground. Rex Turbo drug Vince to cover and was holding the ENFORCERS™ off for the moment. Hue Bailey was pissed off.

As Hue was levitating above the trees he cut down the first wave of ENFORCERS™ with a wall of anger. His eyes glowing fiercely, his face contorted, Hue Bailey had projected a strong anger propelled force field and was blasting at the ENFORCERS™ fiercely with rage projected radiation. Demolishing twenty ENFORCERS™ at a time they just kept coming. It appeared the ENFORCERS™ had been planning. This time they came in numbers.

Doing his best to fight off the ENFORCERS™ Rex Turbo helped Vince towards the street. He knew right away that he needed to get Vince out of there. Unfortunately it was out of his control. While Rex was trying to hold them off from the front they crept up from behind. "They’re like flies on shit" screamed Rex.

"Correction…they’re like flies on dead people" said Vince calmly.

"What?" screamed Rex Turbo as he spun around to fight the ENFORCERS™ off from the other direction. Unfortunately the ENFORCERS™ overpowered them. As Vince was seized Rex Turbo could do nothing but melt into the ground. Using his shape shifting abilities Rex would be the only crusader to escape the clutches of the empire.

"There’s too many!" screamed Miranda. She was fighting three ENFORCERS™ in hand to hand combat. With knife in hand she was fighting with fierce and deadly force. As she ripped through the metal chest of one of them she kicked another in the head but the third was more than she could handle. He came quickly from behind, smashing her facedown to the ground he tied her hands with laser wire. "Hue!"

As Hue turned in the air to look at Miranda the ENFORCERS™ attacked him from behind. As he was bombarded with projectiles Hue was consumed by a strange field of energy. It was an experimental weapon designed by the Micronetics™ corporation to detain him. Hue was enveloped by an anti-anger energy field. Losing power and energy he dropped to the ground. Lying on the ground Hue was powerless. As he struggled to understand what was happening to him fifteen ENFORCERS™ rushed him from all sides.

In the form of grass Rex Turbo looked on in horror as the ENFORCERS™ started in on Hue with their BillyBeater™ nightsticks. In an operation orchestrated by the FBI™ three of the four crusaders had been taken prisoner. Their fate was already determined.






Having undergone the standard process of interrogation and due process Hue Bailey, Vince Bailey and Miranda were sentenced for treason. The punishment, however, would be different from the usual. Since the crusaders had built an image for themselves and the Human Party, the judge™ decided he would need to make an example of them. He wanted to be sure the message he sent to society was clear. Though the punishment was experimental it would soon become standard. It was televised over the Internet.

Hue Bailey, Vince Bailey and Miranda were criminals against the state, guilty of treason. The three criminals were brought into a dark room and were strapped into three chairs by men wearing black executioner masks. As the crusaders struggled to break free straps were fastened around their heads. Hue was detained by an anti-anger energy field.

Rex Turbo watched helplessly from the computer in Hue’s apartment. He didn’t even know where they were. Though he imagined if he did it wouldn’t make any difference. They were under maximum security. As Rex Turbo watched the computer screen the camera slowly moved in for a close-up on Hue’s face.

Hue’s eyes were glowing dimly as two robotic arms appeared in front of his face armed with scalpels. The cutting began. Without music the only sound to be heard was the robotic buzzing of machinery and the tearing of human flesh. Hue’s face filled the screen as it was being dismembered. As slowly as his skin was pealed back his face was being reconfigured. Miranda shrieked in pain. The first to be added were a series of mechanical implants. Second came the circuit boards and wires. The last to be added was the hard metal outer shell.

As the machines continued to work the pain slowly began to subside. Hue Bailey’s greatest wish had finally come true. Hue Bailey had discovered his apathy. He was now no different from anybody else. From now on Hue Bailey would cheer at every election game. He would work hard at his job, he would trust the leaders of his country and he would respect authority. Hue Bailey would always vote RepubliCON™ or DemocratiCON™ and he would always oppose third party candidates. He was programmed to do so…Hue Bailey was a robot.